someone tell me something funny

[SpeedRacer 1]

I'm all stressed out today (due to house-buying ordeal) Someone post something funny & cheer me up--->
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[TheMarshMan1 0]

How do you tell if a witch is horny?
Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding!
"If I could be like that, I would give anything, just to live one day, in those shoes..."

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Mark Grace was telling some funny baseball stories.... once Rick Sutcliffe gave up back-to-back homers in Cincinatti, where they shoot off fireworks for every home team home run. Billy Connors (pitching coach) starts to walk out to the mound, and Sutcliffe looks over at him and yells "I know I gave up f---ing back-to-back home runs and get your f---ing ass back in the dugout and tell Zimmer to f---ing settle down there, too."
Billy looks at him and says, "I know you have everything under control, Rick. I just wanted to give that guy running the fireworks a little time to reload."
PTiger
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

[SpeedRacer 1]

thanks, at least someone cares.. do I have to do this myself?
how do you know if your at a gay picnic
hot dogs taste like shit
Two flies on a piece of shit
One farts.
The other says " Hey pal do ya mind, I'm tryin' to eat here"
A guy walks out of the local pub pissed as and proceeds to walk home. On the
way he kick an empty beer bottle against a wall and smashes it. Out pops a genie
who says, "Thank you for setting me free, for that I shall grant you
one wish." The guy answers, "Well, I love getting pissed so I would have to wish that I
piss vodka." The genie answers, "It’s unusual but it is done." The guy stumbles home
where his wife is waiting and tells her to go and get two glasses. When she returns he
proceeds to piss into the glasses and tells his wife to drink up. Of course she wont but he
explains about the genie and eventually she tries some. To her amazement it is vodka and
they both drink themselves stupid. This cariies on for three nights. On the fourth night, the
husband comes home from work and tells his wife to go and get one glass. The wife asks,
"What about me?" To this her husband replies, "Honey, tonight you drink from the bottle!"
i'm still stressed keep 'em coming!
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[flyhi 24]

How can you tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
Note: this works better if the person to whom you are telling it is a guy. Otherwise, it loses the subtle innuendos which make it such a knee slapper. No, really, it is.
Gay guy and straight guy talking. Gay guy says, "Let's play hide and seek. If you find me, I'll give you a blow job."
Straight guy says, "What happens if I don't find you?"
Gay guy, "That's easy. Then I'll be behind the couch."
Notice, no PW here. Two jokes, one post. I'm like an electronic tree hugger, always conserving.
flyhi

[Icarus021 0]

What did the skeleton say when he walked into the pub?
Give me a beer and a MOP!
3-2-1 CYA

[skymama 37]

PT, quit posting. You're going to pass me next in post counts, and then I'll have to offer to show YOU my boobs too in order to make you stop!
Andrea
The brave may not live forever, but the timid may not live at all.

[SpeedRacer 1]

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
If the bird of Peace is the dove, what is the bird of Love?
The swallow!
A beautiful girl goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. The doctor
notices that the girl is visibly nervous and starting to tremble, so in a
calm and soothing voice he askes her to sit in the chair and, when she is
ready, to remove her knickers and place her legs in the styrups.
Starting to relax now she smiles at the doctor and removes her underwear and
spreads her legs. At this point the doctor looks up at the girl and asks:
"Is this your first time for this type of thing?". "Y..y..yes, d..doctor"
replies the girl. The doctor smiles and tells her "the instruments can be
quite uncomfortable, would it help if I numbed you down there?". The girl nods.
Five seconds later the doctor has his head between her legs and all she can
hear is "numb, numb, numb, numb...".

Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

more!
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[ChromeBoy 0]

True story...
I went to get lunch today and I went by the gas station to get a soda on the way. I got my soda and went up the the counter...
Clerk: "Do you have gas?"
Me: "Not right now but I fart in airplanes and it pisses people off."
You should have seen the looks on everyones faces. lol

[Sebazz1 2]

Our nation's first Blond Guy joke ... and well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blond guy's wife........... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
SEBAZZ.......

[FallingMarc 0]

These friars are a little short of cash to buy new robes and whatnot, so they decide to open a flower shop in town. Of course, they're good and holy men, and everybody wants to buy flowers from them. Unfortunately, the flower shop across the street starts to suffer from the loss of business. So the owner there goes to the friars and tells them they're running him into the ground, and would they please close their shop? But no, they said they needed the money too, and could not afford to close. So the owner of the shop goes to the local bar and finds the biggest, meanest guy he can. His name is Hugh. So he pays him to go threaten the friars and tell them to leave town, which Hugh is more than happy to do. After turning over a few tables in the store and a bit of yelling, the friars have no choice but to close the flower shop and leave.
Which proves once again that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Iflyme 0]

Quote

I'm all stressed out today (due to house-buying ordeal) Someone post something funny & cheer me up--->

uh ... I just heard on the radio that your house is on fire...
"Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees"
Five For Fighting

[freeflir29 0]

True story...Yesterday I saw a fat girl wearing a "Ben and Jerries" Tie Died shirt....I laughed incessantly.....
"I only have a C license, so I don't know shit..right?"-Clay

[freaksister 0]

Speedy can jump over fires...he's not worried.
Sis
Can you Trip like I do?

[PalmettoTiger 1]

Quote

PT, quit posting. You're going to pass me next in post counts, and then I'll have to offer to show YOU my boobs too in order to make you stop!

You expect me to slow down after reading that? [i]Riiiiiiiiight...[/i]
PTiger
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

[PalmettoTiger 1]

AAAAAAAAAAHahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
I am such the magician.
[b][black]P[/black][orange]Tiger[/orange][/b]
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way

[Muenkel 0]

Quote

True story...Yesterday I saw a fat girl wearing a "Ben and Jerries" Tie Died shirt....I laughed incessantly.....

Well you are what you eat.
Which one do you think she is, Ben or Jerry?
Skydivers...they're just plain cool!
Chris

[bbarnhouse 0]

Okay if you are what you eat......
beef eaters are - cows
pork eaters are-pigs
poulty eaters are-chickens or turkeys
fish eaters- why ...TUNA of course! Oh wait that tastes like....chicken.............
:P~~~~~~~~~
It only takes a little pixie dust......

[Divadiver 0]

What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist?
*
*
*
*
*
*
Pokemon
Speedy:
If you seriously need some lovin - I have a wonderful black and white cat that's looking for a home . . . neutered, declawed, litter trained, extra toes, kind of crazy, knows how to launch himself from the couch in an arched position and is of course great company.
Diva

[ChromeBoy 0]

I am a quarter pounder with cheese, large fry and a medium coke.

[ChromeBoy 0]

I am also just plain and simple beer.

[freaksister 0]

Oh then I am cheesy. heheh
I love cheese. and eggs. and beer and hard liquor and BEEF!!!!!!!! on a stick!!!!!!!!! but not ass. yeehaw!
Sis
Can you Trip like I do?

[sunshine 2]

Quote

Okay if you are what you eat......

Oh great....I'm a goldfish cracker.
"Never frown, even when you're sad. 'Cause you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile."

[bbarnhouse 0]

well sunshine......I'm a salad LOL and diet coke
It only takes a little pixie dust......