Cool Jokes !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rhino 0]

THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport,
comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After
what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched
on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little
and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited
all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have
to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer
equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?
The Second boy says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm little nervous."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you here for?" The first boy says, "A circumcision."
And the second boy says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[Viking 0]

LOL to both of them
I swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver

[rhino 0]

"Three girlfriends go on vacation together. In their travels,they see a
six-story hotel with a large flashing sign that says,"FOR WOMEN ONLY."
Since they are without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. A very
attractive man at the front desk greets them and says, "Well,ladies, this is
how this hotel works. We have five guest floors, each with its own
specialty. Once you find what you're looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide - each floor has a sign right outside
the elevator telling you what's inside."
So up they go. On the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are
rotten lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and,
without hesitation, move on to the next floor.
The sign there reads, "All the men here are fantastic lovers, but they
tend to treat women rather badly." This won't do, so the girls move on to
the third floor where they read, "All the men here are great lovers and
sensitive to the needs of women." "Woo-ooh," says one woman, "sounding
good!"
However, with two more floors to go, they can't resist going upwards. On
the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here have perfect
bodies, are sensitive and attentive to women, are perfect lovers, and each
one is single and very very rich." They do hesitate for a moment, but decide
that they just have to go up to the final floor.
As the door opens, they see a big flashing sign that reads..........
THERE ARE NO MEN HERE!! THIS FLOOR WAS ONLY BUILT TO PROVE THERE IS
NO F***ING WAY TO PLEASE A WOMAN!!
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[QuickDraw 0]

A guy wake's up in hospital and scream's for a doctor,
the doctor come's running over and ask's what's up,
"doctor ..i can't feel my leg's.." say's the guy,
the doctor reply's "yes Mr jones i'm afraid we had to amputate your arm's"
..Billions of people living out their lives..Oblivious..

[rhino 0]

This is why the titanic sank!!!
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[Sebazz1 2]

I love itI love it I love it I love it...............
That is soooo classic!
SEBAZZ.......

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

DAMN !!!!
I'm not crazy - I'm a Skydiver

[rhino 0]

Here is a modern bedtime story for the kids.....
ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.
CNN, CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having
nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of Federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

CLINTON'S PARTING SHOTS ...
After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up
With a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:
SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven
that you can get sex from Aides.
Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything
Like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:
"Presidue."
Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:
Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a
donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives
you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.
All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!
Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned,
"Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!"
Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

(Ignore that the fatuous flexibility of the legal system shown below and
its funny)
Mario and Frankie were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared
in court on Friday before the Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug
use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on
Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to Frankie "How did
you do over the weekend?" "Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give
up drugs forever". "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this:
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the
Judge.
To Mario the judge said, "And you, how did you do?" "Well, Your Honor, I
persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's
amazing!! How did you manage to do that?!?!" "Well, I used a similar
approach. I drew two circles ...
o O
...and said (pointing' to the small circle) this is your asshole before
going to prison......."
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

Clintons new dog attached!!
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

This is how rumors in the office start!!
attached Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone
a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago:
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all
have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY:
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
The spirit of darkness
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholics: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato
salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the
drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you
have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited
to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the
next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life
and tinted,all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or
tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

This is the way golf was suppose to be played!!
attached Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this
perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along
a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood
Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering
the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in
the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
Women never listen either
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

Signs you live in 2002:
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she
can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the
screen.
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to
go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would
be a hassle and take planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your
way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told
His demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound
sledge Hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity. At the end of the
day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him
smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the
heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm
back in Massachusetts.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with
100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on
the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining.
The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to
clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back
in Massachusetts.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this
man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day,
the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But,
the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge
hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why he was so happy,
the man answered, "Cold day in hell, the Patriots must have won the
Super Bowl!"
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[PhillyKev 0]

You're an email spammer by trade, aren't you?
cielos azules y cerveza fría
-Kevin

[rhino 0]

DINNER CONVERSATION
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not -- don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit:
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

LOL, no Down Goes The Zipper!
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful
young woman wearing a
tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus
stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of
the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached >
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking
that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take
the step, only to discover
that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed,
she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and
for the second time
attempted the step. Once again, much to her
chagrin, she could not raise
her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take
the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am,
normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we was
friends."
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

This dog has a personal problem..
Attached...
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com

[rhino 0]

50 good things about being a man...
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work ... more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

16. New shoes don't cut, blister nor mangle your feet.

17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, ALL the damn time.

20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

22. You can open all your own jars.

24. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

25. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
28. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

30. Everything on your face stays its original color.

31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

33. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
34. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking ''He must be mad at me.
35. No maxi-pads.

36. You don't mooch off other's desserts.

37. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
38. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
39. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

40. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
41. You almost never have strap problems in public.

42. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
43. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

44. You don't have to shave below your neck.

45. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

46. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
47. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

48. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

49. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.

50. The world is your urinal.
Semper Fi .....
http:// www.aahit.com