Insert funny jokes here

[SpeedRacer 1]

Please post some funny, raunchy jokes here. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've had a LOOOONG difficult week.
----Here's one:
There are two flies on a piece of shit.
One of the flies farts.
The other one says, "Hey buddy, do you mind? I'm trying to eat here!"

Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"

[indyz 1]

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two. The hard part is getting them into the bulb.
--
Brian

[AggieDave 6]

For Texans or the Texan in all of us:
How many Aggies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, one to call it a tradition and the other to lead
the yell: "Screw the hell outta the light bulb !!! WHOOOP!"
How many UT students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty: One to screw it in, and the other 49 to complain because a person of
their race, gender or sexual preference didn't get to screw in the light
bulb.
How many Rice students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them: One to screw it in and the rest of the student body to relieve
the stress of
screwing it in by running naked through campus.
How many TCU students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to call Daddy to do it and the other three to find the perfect
coordinating J.Crew outfits.
How many Texas Tech students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them: One to screw it in and the rest of the students to try
desperately to establish a rivalry with the other Big XII schools in light
bulb screwing.
How many U of Houston students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don't want the gangs to know they're there.
How many U of North Texas students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who cares?
How many Baylor students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They aren't allowed to screw anything in Waco.
How many SMU students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to make the martinis and the other to hire someone else to screw
the bulb in.
How many Stephen F. Austin students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in and two to laugh uncontrollably at the sexual
connotations.
How many Southwest Texas students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to screw it in. Two to move the keg into place and one to load the
bong.
How many Sam Houston State students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None: They would just move back into their parent's house.
"Are they short-shorts?" T.B.

[james1010 0]

What do gay termites eat?
woodpeckers!

[ChromeBoy 0]

The joke that was just made up...
There was this competition where they judged the best looking sheep. All year long people spent a lot of money on their sheep and fed them well and groomed them. The competition day came and as the judge was walking the line he noticed just how good all of the sheep looked. He began the judging by walking up to the first contestant...
Who wants to add on?...

[bbarnhouse 0]

The Nation's top judge "Clay" was soon followed by "Skreamer" who broke out into a whistle with the tune: "I'm loving Ewe"........No comment was made by the press regarding the shiny hipboots boots worn by both judges.......
It only takes a little pixie dust......

[lummy 4]

"My what a fine specimen of sheep you have here
Would you mind if I give a more, Ahem.. Thorough examination of this exquisite animal?commented the top judge to the Owner, a Mr J. Fields from Bendover Michigan. who promptly replied.
"Not at all... as a matter of fact, I just rode her, Uh... I meant rode in with her this morning, so she maybe a little tired, but is always accepting to strangers"
Conjunction Junction, what's your function?

[jfields 0]

Quote

the Owner, a Mr J. Fields

Damnit, found out again!
Justin

[flyhi 24]

Three guys are standing around talking. The first one says, "I'm glad I'm married and have four kids. One more and I have a basketball team." The next guy says, "I'm glad I'm married and have eight kids. One more and I have a baseball team." The last one says, "I'm glad I'm single. One more girlfriend and I'll have a golf course. And you should see the back nine."
flyhi
"To understand Mankind, you must look at its two root words; Mank and Ind."

[Lindsey 0]

For you Dave (Uh....I hope it doesn't offend....)
Students at Tex A&M have to take an entrance exam prior to starting classes. All the prospective students gather in the lecture hall and begin the exam. First Question: Old Mac Donald had a ________. Student leans over to his buddy....."Pssst. Hey.....what's the answer to the first question," he whispers. His buddy whispers back, "Farm, dummy, FARM!" Then in a couple seconds....."How do ya' spell 'farm'?" His buddy rolls his eyes....."E-I-E-I-O, dummy.....E-I-E-I-O!"
------------
I used to know a lot of aggie jokes..... I wish I could remember them now....
------
okay, okay....
What do ya' get when you cross a Razorback with an Aggie?
Nothing! There's some things even a PIG won't do.....
------------
I'm obviously gonna have to think some more on this.....
Peace and tranquility~
Lscribblescribble
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[bbarnhouse 0]

NEWS FLASH!
This just in.....Mr. J. Fields of Bendover Michigan is protesting the judging at the national sheep show. Says Mr. Fields....."Two of the judges just wouldn't stop "poking fun" at my top ewe.......and then....they tied a pink ribbon on her!"The two judges in question deny any wrong doing, and offered no further comments.
Stay tuned we will update ewe as the story unfolds.
It only takes a little pixie dust......

[AggieDave 6]

hahaha
God, I love Aggie jokes.
"Are they short-shorts?" T.B.

[Lindsey 0]

Oh, oh, oh.....
How many MEN does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He just holds the lightbulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around him......
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[bbarnhouse 0]

Bwahhhhhaaaaaaaa!
This just in.......participants have heard two top judges humming...."ewe light up my life"...seems it's all sheep shots here and no foul play. The hightest bid for Mr. Field's prized animal has been out of Houston and Atlanta.
It only takes a little pixie dust......

[Sebazz1 2]

So these two midgets decide to take a vacation to Las Vegas. They get into town and immediately head over to the casinos and start partying thier asses off. As the evening goes on and the intoxication starts making them act crazy they decide to grab some call girls to take back to thier rooms.
The first midget was in his room with the prostitute and was trying as hard as he could to get it on with her but he was way way to drunk. He just couldn't get it up. All night long from his buddies room he heard this "1-2-3 ahhhhhh, 1-2-3 ahhhh, 1-2-3 ahhhh" Well his buddy was obviously getting it on.
The next morning as they were eating breakfats together the first midget said how embarrased he was from the night before an was pretty depreseed he couldn't get it on. The second midget said "You think thats bad! I couldn't even get up on the bed"
SEBAZZ.......

[skygeek 0]

Good ones
IItywimwybmab?

[Lindsey 0]

There was an Aggie that was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
The Aggie wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Aggie."
The Aggie then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Aggie checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Aggie opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Aggie do this to another Aggie?"
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[ibrobinm 0]

Hey Lindsey-----OR,
How many men does it take to change an empty roll of toilet paper????
Hmmmm, nobody knows, IT's NEVER HAPPENED!
I'm not as think as your drunk I am.

[Lindsey 0]

(giving high five to Robin)
so true, so true.....
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[jtval 0]

why do they name hurricanes after women?
b/c they come into your life wet and wild but leave with your car and house!
getting high is fun, but coming down is the best part
JT

[Lindsey 0]

What's 10 inches long and WHITE?
Nothing
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[Lindsey 0]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along
The doctor enters the examination room
He tells the old man
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample"
The old man was hard of hearing
He looks at his wife and yells
"What?
What did he say?
What's he want?"
His wife yells back
"He needs your underwear"
Eve was framed!
http://home.earthlink.net/~linzwalley

[SpeedRacer 1]

good one, JT!
Different thoughts
A woman and a man had been having a relationship for about four months and one Friday night after work they meet in a bar. They stay for a few drinks and then go on to get some food at a restaurant near their respective houses. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been me because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him and he says no, but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means, because you know he doesn't say it back or anything, so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks any more, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.
Speed Racer
"Fill your hand, you son-of-a-bitch!"