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Amazingly, due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to
publish
a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a few a
excerpts
from the British edition:
CAR PARKING:

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a
woman was one of
19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,
by Mrs
Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing'
on 12
October
1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate,
Pontefract,
and
successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14
minutes
later.
There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and
two
adjoining
cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.



FILM CONFUSION:

The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her
husband
without
asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28
October
1990,
when
Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The
Ipcress
File'.
She
watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before
asking, "Is
he
a
goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses?" This broke her own
record set
in
1962
when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before
asking, "Is
this a
war film, is it?"



INCORRECT DRIVING:

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of
504 km
(313
miles) from Stranraer to
Holyhead by Dr Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the
2 April
1987.
Dr Thorn smelled
burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to
Holyhead
with
smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds
the
records
for
the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the
right
indicator
flashing.



JUMBLE SALE MASSACRE:

The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a
jumble
sale is
98, at a Methodist Church
Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on 12 February 1991. When
the doors
opened
at 10.00am the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a
further 25
being
killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way
skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which
escalated
into
a full scale melee, resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A
pitched
battle
over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the
hall,
claiming
39 old women. The jumble sale raised ?5.28 for local boy
scouts.


GOSSIPING:

On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of
Agnes
Banbury
popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of
which she
told
Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair
with
the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs Banbury
immediately
began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm
she had
told
128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by
4.00pm that
afternoon 2774 knew of the affair, including the
local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a
coachload of
American tourists which she
flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury
went to
bed
at
11.55pm that night,
Mrs Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering
75,338
people,
enough to fill Wembley
Stadium.



GROUP TOILET VISIT:

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet
simultaneously
is
held by 147 workers at the
Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual
Christmas
celebration at a night club in
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on 12 October 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got
up to the
toilet
and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.
Moving
as
a
mass the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting
for
everyone
to
finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.


SINGLE BREATH SENTENCE:

An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the
thirty
minute
barrier for talking without
drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers (48) of Cowley, smashed the
previous
record
of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had
in the
butchers
to her neighbour. She ranted on for a
staggering 32 mins and 12 secs without pausing for air, before
going
blue
and
collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe
Infirmary
in a
wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak
of her
mammoth
motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per
minute,
repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times
whilst her
neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third
of the
sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last 2
mins being
mouthed
only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant
spasms.
When you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get.