Jokes for former/current Military

[kmcguffee 0]

Which Branch of the Service Do Your Prefer?
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 pound. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit!"
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 pound pack on his back, 15 pound weapon in hand, after having had a 10 mile swim to shore, a five crawl through swamps, and a 25 mile march in jungle, at night, through enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 pound pack on his back and a 15 pound weapon in each hand, after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shit is this?"
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

[kmcguffee 0]

The Ultimate Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Air Force, O-6 and above: "Get that damned snake off the fairway!"
Armor: Runs over snake. Never knows it,as well as where he is on the battlefield. Continues directly ahead wondering what all those new buttons in his turret do.
Army Aviation: Has GPS ten digit grid to snake. Stands off at a range greater than any other weapon system and destroys snake with precision fires at a cost equivilant of one Mercedes 350SEL. Returns to base for fighter management and a "cool one".
Army Shrink. Attempts to get snake to explain its sexual feelings about its mother.
Chaplain. Tries to get snake to attend services, mend its ways.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in depth analysis based on obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations. (Engineer School tries to hide the fact that M9 ACE proves ineffective against snakes).
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Military Intelligence, G-2: Sanke? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing professional courtesy.
Marines, ForceRecon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Marines, Infantry: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Mech Infantry: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Military Intelligence, S-2: Reports to ground troops that snake is a non-combatant. Six Infantry wounded. MI states that if the ground forces would have read the nesting diagram provided in the 24 page enemy intel report, they would have known the snake was a possible threat.
Military Police, Criminal Investigation: Handcuffs snake's head to its tail, reads it its Miranda rights, then proceeds to beat snake to a pulp with night stick.
Missileers, Air Force: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Military Police, Field: Snake safely infiltrates rear area of operations.
Navy SeaBees: Build snake elaborate rec room, complete with secret still.
Navy, SEAL: Expends all ammunition and several grenades, then calls for naval gunfire in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites the SEAL, and dies of salt water poisoning. Hollywood makes film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy, Surface Action Group: Fires off 50 cruise missiles fro several ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Ordnance: IDs snake as having improper scales. Deadline snake and order parts against snake. Parts come in 15 days later but the snake has been upgraded to FMC due to scrounging of parts through improper channels.
Para-Rescue: Lands on snake upon descending, thereby injuring it, then feverishly works to save the nake's life.
Pilot, A-10: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Pilot, Air Force, B-52: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Pilot, Air Force, F-15: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
Pilot, Air Force, F-16: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multimillion dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
Pilot, Air Force, Fighter, Generic: Mis-identifies the snake as a HIND and engages it with missiles. Crew Chief paints snake on airplane.
Pilot, Air Force, Transport: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
Pilot, Army, AH-64 Apache: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
Pilot, Army, HH-53 Jolly Green Giant: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out flares to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
Quartermaster: Encounters snake, then loses contact. Can not identify who owns snake by hand receipts. Orders new snake through supply channels. Request is denied by higher authority; issuing the unit a snake will bring the manager to a zero balance; one snake must remain on hand at all times as per their boss' guidance.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Signal, Enlisted: Tries to communicate with snake . . . fails despite repeated attempts. Complains that the snake did not have the correct fill or did not know how to work equipment a child could operate.
Signal, Officer: Informs the commander that he could easily communicate with the snake using just his voice. Commander insists that he NEEDS to videoconference with the snake, with real-time streaming positional and logistical data on the snake displayed on video screens to either side. Gives Signal Corps $5 Billion to make this happen. SigO abuses the 2 smart people in the corps to make it happen, while everybody else stands around, bitches, and takes credit. In the end, GTE and several sub-contractors make a few billion dollars, the two smart people get out and go to work for them, and the commander gets what he asked for only in fiber-optic based simulations. The snake dies of old age.
SJA: Swear they saw something like that on the Discovery Channel . . . spend weeks arguing if it was a snake or not.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transportation Corps: "Snake? What snake? We were sleeping in the truck."
War Correspondent. Decides snake is patriotic nationalist agrarian reformer being molested by imperialist U.S. forces, asks snake for directions to nearest bar. If bitten by snake, charges U.S. troops with neglect of duty to protect freedom of the press.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

True. So very true.
When I grow up, I want to be a post whore

[kmcguffee 0]

One more.
The British Military writes EPRs which are officer fitness reports.
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206s"....
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this Officer.
This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
Source: "Jackspeak: The Pusser's Rum Guid to Royal Navy Slanguage" by Rick Jolly, 1989.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

[BikerBabe 0]

Some (supposedly) actual maintenance reports submitted in the Air Force, and the replies from maintenance personnel. (P) = problem, (S) = Solution:
P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

[kmcguffee 0]

ROFLMAO!! Those are freakin hilarious. Smart ass NCOs.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

[jtval 0]

I particularly love the
"will not work in the official position."
for those of you not technically inclined, the abbreviation for official is OFF.
"will not work in OFF postion"......gotta love the throttle grip actuators AKA pilots!
getting high is fun, but coming down is the best part
JT

[jtval 0]

I particularly love the
"will not work in the official position."
for those of you not technically inclined, the abbreviation for official is OFF.
"will not work in OFF postion"......gotta love the throttle grip actuators AKA pilots!
( I actually saw this write up. I was tempted to write th ecorrective action as Rsquare(remove and replace) flight suit insert!
getting high is fun, but coming down is the best part
JT

[Geronimo509 0]

Check out www.skippyslist.com I laughed my ass off. Also http://www.paratrooper.net/aotw/pvtmurphy/weekly.asp?fileid=63
Later
Gabe

[kmcguffee 0]

Quote

You might be Airborne if... you ever showed up to PT formation still drunk from the previous nights festivities. - Longarm

Isn't that the truth! I once heard the 82nd described as the most fit group of alcoholics in the world.
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

[freeflir29 0]

An old boss back when I was an aircraft mechanic once got a letter of counseling for this maintenance entry.
Problem: Stuck Screws
Fix: Removed screws IAW Grandpa's Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty T.O.
Thats an LOC that you frame. Kinda like the one I got for pissing off an Indian Tribe...."It's all about the BOOBIES!"

[jtval 0]

my only LoC was when I was 25, I got an "underage drinking"
voilation b/c someone I worked with was drinkning in my dorm BLDG(not room)
after my commander asked if I wanted to refute it I was like "what and lose my proff that youre an idiot.NO, I want a copy of this." still got in in my "I love me" file (thats all the cert's, and awards file)
getting high is fun, but coming down is the best part
JT

[Zenister 0]

forgot one.
Army Aviator, leans over, looks down, points out to T.O. "sure looks like shit down there"