Good ones !!

[SkydiveMonkey 0]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border
checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is
illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
* * * * *
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
* * * * * *
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****
sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
* * * * * *
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and
guess which one I'm going to marry."the next day, he brings 3 beautiful
women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He
then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately
replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
* * * * * *
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You
****ing> b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,
and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to
borrow a ***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
* * * * * *
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he
looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that
one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him,
"Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she
looks good enough, I'll go home."
**************************
Look at me, I'm falling off a cliff now - The Offspring