Decisions, decisions (aka "That's a Dust Devil")

[Michele 1]

I drive through the murky morning, wipers sliding across my windshield, and I wonder what I am making the 84 mile drive for - it's raining, cold, and I am not sure I want to jump. Remembering that making the decision to jump while still at home is impossible, I continue on, belly twisting. I decide that if the clouds stay, and it continues to rain, then I will find someone to work on packing; if it clears, then I'll decide if I can jump today. But I am going to the DZ.
I walk into the packing area, and I see Light Diver, and several of the 4-way team - Captain Stratton, Albatross, and Melanie. They go off to their team room to start training, and I wander out to the packing area, looking for someone to talk to. I am struck by a sense of loneliness, of not seeing anyone I know, of separation from the "good" jumpers - seperated by skill, experience, and this God-awful fear. They don't get scared...at least, not like I do. They can't. They're good.
I get back to the school, and ask if anyone has the time to put me through the harness room. Vinnie Palmieri is in the back, packing a reserve, so I watch him for a few minutes, and we chat. Once he's done, he and I head to the harness room, and sit on the floor, and just talk. And talk, and talk, and talk. Then run the harness safety stuff, and talk some more. He hugs me, tells me I know what I am doing, whether I believe it or not, and that I just need to trust myself a little more, a little harder.
The instructors get the call; it's cleared up, and there will be jumping today. Sigh. I do have to try, at least. I watch the first group land, and talk to one of the jumpers. He reports that it's quite hazy up there, and that it's choppy underneath. I talk to Lori, Albatross and Capt Stratton about how to handle the "haze" - what to do in it, what if my pull altitude comes while I am in it, how to get out of it if I go into it under canopy, and all the things I can think of. I am given the wise advice to check where the plane enters it on my altimeter, so I can have a good guess as to where the bottom of the haze is laying. I manifest for Gypsy 5, and then go find my corner, and sit. I try to breathe, relax, plan the dive...I decide I am pulling at 4.5, and that my dive plan is simply "down", nothing fancy, just down. Augh. Down. Pull my heart out of my throat, and double knot my shoes. Down. Damn.
It's time to get geared, checked, and organized. Uppers are light at 15 from the south, and the landing area is doing it's typical light and variables (one windsock pointing nrth, and another south, and a few going their own way). I get 3 gear checks, and talk to Cai, who is a JM, and is taking an AFF2 up on my load. There is someone else pulling at 4.5, so we decide he's going first, then me. I climb onto the plane, plop my bottom down in the seat, and think, well, I can always ride down. But I want to try. I buckle the seat belt, and look across to Libby, and introduce myself. She and I chat a bit, and she asks me what am I concerned with? I explain it's the haze, and she nods. It can be different, says she, smiling. You'll be o.k.....
And I keep thinking, well, I can ride down. I don't have to jump. I choose to jump. But I can ride the plane down. Who's the pilot? Jim? Yeah, I could ride this down. Um. O.K....and I lean over and ask Cai to spot for me. He says no problem. I can't even see the ground anymore, it's too hazy. The occasional peak at the ground, but I can't see anything I recognize. Jumprun. Shit, am I going to do this? What the fuck, why not?
The first several groups go, and Cai gets up to spot. He waves the other jumper forward, and says "go ahead". I am shaking, but somehow manage to get my hand on the bar above the door, and count the other jumper out...then Cai pats my hand, shakes his head, and says, for you, we go around. I sit back down, and remind myself I can do this.
I look up, adn there are 4 instructors and two students and me. And everyone is watching me. Remembering all of you guys here, and the advice given, I take a deep breath, and holler WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO at the top of my lungs. Everyone laughs, and Cai grins. One of the instructors asks which exit, and I say "I'm gonna climb out, breathe, and let go". She says, "well, o.k., but don't breathe too long - only two breaths, and then we push!" I laugh, and think yeah, I'll be happy if I remember to breathe at all...
Jump run again. Gear checked, handles touched, helmet secure...stop shaking, hands, please stop shaking. Cai peeks out, and nods. "You go now"...I look out, and there's this wee little bitty break in the haze, with some guaze stretched across it. Cai points, and says "have fun. Go now"..and so I do, swinging myself out of the plane, feeling the wind, cold and exhilarating. I cast my eyes away from the propellers, and across the plane - into the distance, into the blue, into the sun...and, gathering everything I have inside, I let go and step off.
I look for the plane, but it has disappeared already. Or I have turned already. But I am here, dancing over the haze; in the distance I see the peaks of them, miles and miles of jagged grey and white, shadows and light, and I know I am free. At least this time, I jumped. At least this time, I have conquered fear long enough to see the world from above the clouds. I check alti, and I have a long way to go before I have to open. I am only at 11...
And now, I look again for that wee little break...not finding it, I turn slowly, looking for it beneath me. I cannot see it, I cannot see the ground, oh, fuck, I know it's there, but I can't see it. I guess I am going through it. Oh, wait, off to my left, a little space, a little guaze...I turn and track for that, but I do not make it. I enter into the haze, at about 5800...and I am suddenly encased in clammy cold space. I can neither see blue above me nor brown below me. I stare at my altimeter, thinking that there are students above me, I can't open high, I can't panic and throw, nothing's wrong, I'm just freaking out...hello, take a breath so I do, and it's like someone has taken a cold humidifier and turned it on full blast into my face...and I am so not happy, and so not prepared, so I stare at my alti and it is 5 now, and my nailpolish is the only spot of color I can see, and that startles me and now I am out and under it, and it's 4.5, and I check above me and I wave and pull and there is my canopy. I reach up and pop the toggles, and feel the canopy surge forward, free of it's bindings, free and flying. And I am free and flying, too.
Canopy control check, o.k., all's well. I think I'll do another one, anyway. I am quite a ways from the DZ, and I start heading back that way, mindful that there are two students and 4 jm's above me. I look for canopies, and there, above me and straight in front but a long way away, I see someone hit line stretch as the jm's peel away...silhouetted against the steel grey underbelly of the haze, I see this splash of color, and the blackness of the figures...and I silently cheer, because I have a good canopy, he has a good canopy, and we both managed to jump...I look at my alti, and I am about 3000, and over the dz, so I play. 180 left, sashay, flat turns...it is bumpy up here, and once or twice I thump good and hard, and jerk my head back to look at my canopy. It's still there, I am still flying, it's alll good. I get to about 2000, and look down at the big plowed student circle, and see something swirling about, not terribly dusty, but moving in a circular pattern...is that a dust devil? Is that a fucking dust devil? Yessir, that's a dust devil. Oh, shit, run away... I hope the students follow me, or are on radio, that's a blaming dust devil, and it's looking kinda big...and hungry...and it's picking up dust from a damp ground, so it must be strong. Oh, dearie me... I turn and run 180 from it, looking for the other canopies. I can't see them, so I look back over my shoulder. I see a white piece of debris shooting up, and I am not 180 away from it anymore. I turn again, and look. It's following me. I swear, it's following me. Now what? I jig and check. It's jigged with me. I jog and check. Yup, there it is, but not quite so big as before. I think maybe it's dissapating. I check my alti, and I am waaaaaaaaay off my landing pattern now, and of course the windsocks are doing the whichever way dance, and so I decide to skirt the landing area, and watch the devil.
It finally moves to another area or disappears, I am not sure which, but the white thing is way over there, and I am way over here. I try to figure out an abbreviated landing pattern - but still can't tell about the winds. So, it's a south to north pattern in those instances, right? I wrack my brain trying to remember, but it's time to commit to something, so I set it up that way.
400, time to turn into final. Aw shit, now there's winds, and I am picking up speed, running the edge of the runway, and NOT descending, just moving along really well. O.K., I am down wind. Think, think, decide. Take the downwind? Or flat turn? downwindflatturn...decide, decide...flat turn. I think if I have to, I'll cross wind it, but because I have practiced them not 5 minutes ago, and really checked alti loss, I know I can do a 180 flat turn with this canopy within 100 feet...so I bring both toggles to my shoulder, and pull the right one down gently, gently, gently....and now I am facing the wind, and I will landing right there, so wait, wait, breathe, flare half...all the way...and I am gently down on my feet, tippy toed and easy, one step forward, turn and collapse the canopy. Look for another dust devil, because I land right where I saw the other one start. All's good. I am down, but that was bizarre...I was lost in the air, and getting chased by a damned dust devil.
I take a few minutes to get my head together, and walk back to the packing area. I drop my stuff off for Laura to pack, and walk back to my area, and sit down. I think about that, and feel pretty good, considering I broke the don't turn under 300 rule. A lesson learned from my downwinder (flat turns are your friend), and am proud that I have, in fact, been learning, and can apply what I have learned from my experience.
It's nearing 2 o'clock, and I think o.k., I'll jump in a little bit.
I do make another jump. It is similar, but not as hazy this time. I decide I want a little more canopy time, so am going to pull at 5. I am last off the plane, which is fine by me. I watch the guy ahead of me, but he never makes 45 degrees (as far as I can tell), but I give him a count of 10 anyway. And out I go. Reaching to the sun, I stretch my body out, and take in the sights that are only seen from the air. I see the encircling mountains, so like arms of earth hugging the sky. I see the patterns of the haze as they press against and behind the mountains, and marvel at the peace and beauty which is our playground. I relax, knowing that I know how to do this, and I begin to see the trust I have, to throw myself out of a plane, to know that if something happens, I can deal with it effectively. I see the gentling of the day, sun not as brilliant, tinging the clouds pink salmon at their very tips, and I grin. This is not something people can know without jumping. This freedom, this unique experience of being in the sky as the day runs long, seeing the sundance shadows on the world's floor. Pilots, I think, may have a sense of it, but they are encased in a steel shell, while I am free - touching the face of the sky, soaring through the crisp clean cold; there is a knowing, a certainty, of this life which I find in the sky, and only in the sky. And I - if only for a brief moment, I am free and magnificent; I am me, perfect and whole, satisfied and peaceful.
I pull, and all is fine. I play with the gibbon moon, sliver of sliver sitting there, and fly with the wind. I watch to see the others land, and they are landing north to south, so I set up to follow them in. I am off, way off, because I don't know this pattern nor have any landmarks to gauge from, but I know I'll be fine. Far, but fine. I see the truck already coming out to pick some others off, and I realize I am going to land near the truck. I hope it stops moving. I near the ground, find the spot I will touch down in, and before I can think about it, my left arm is flaring, and my right is not....so I yank the right one down, but too late, I can feel the canopy pitch to my left, doing what I tell it to, but not meaning to tell it that, and I get ankles and knees together, still flying the canopy because I have not stopped yet, and monster plf - slide into second, spikes up, then rolllllllllllllll...and over to my feet in one motion, and up I go, and here I am and I am all bolluxed up in the lines, but fine except my bottom hurts a lot and I am standing there, shaking, because that scared me. I try to figure the lines out, to no avail, and I rub my bottom where I sat on the rock. But my heel hurts, too, and now one of the truck's passengers Dan (of Dan's Fault Skydiving) comes out to help me unravel myself, and he and his friend are asking me if I'm o.k., and I say sure. I guess it was a bigger scare to watch that then to do that, but I'm essentially fine.
I think maybe I have another jump in me, but soon realize that not today, I have mentally stopped, and although I want to jump with Captain Stratton, I think I had better just stay on the ground now. He understands, and promises me that this isn't the only time he'll offer. Which is good, because I want to jumo with someone who is better than me, I want to learn, I want to be better at this than I am...
I come home, mentally exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and now I am sore, and achy. I decide it was a good thing to stay down, and not do that last jump. It is a marvelous day, in many ways, and I think I am starting to understand myself and this fear better.
Thanks, as always, for reading my adventures, and mostly, for being supportive and helpful. You do not know just how much it is appreciated.
Ciels and Pinks-
Michele
If you really want to, you can seize the day; if you really want to, you can fly away...
~enya~

[Snowflake 0]

Very cool. now a suggestion no more solos until you start sitting. Do 2 and 3 ways with expirienced jumpers (500+), even if you have to sit and wait for a few loads. First it will help distract you on the ride up. Second and most important it will help your skills. One of my instructors told me don't waste your money and jump by yourself and don't jump with 100 jump wonders that want to swoop on you it's a waste of a jump ticket. You are not any diffrent then the people on the four way teams except they've been jumping longer then you. They really do want to jump with you and impart knowledge but it's hard when they are trying to improve their skills too. Next time out find one of your favorite jumpers ask them if they'll do a 2 way with ya, and if you have to wait a few loads so be it. As to the fear, one of the best jumpers at my DZ told me he still gets nervous before jumping. I had a hard time internally till around 50 and I'm still nervous at 134 so don't sweat it once your in the air it's all good and you know this.
"....and then the canopy opens and you float down to the ground like a multicolored snowflake"
JG
Rat# 27

[jbrasher 1]

Hi Michele,
You remind me so much of me :-)
I'll be hitting 30 years in another month. Let's try an get a jump in sometime in June.
I've got a Coach course June 1/2 so some time after that.
Red, White and Blue Skies,
John T. Brasher D-5166

[Donna 0]

Michele -
Enjoyed your story as usual. Thanks for sharing! Blue Skies,
D

[Albatross 0]

MIchelle my love,
I can't speak for everyone but I still get nervous. The thoughts disapear more quickly but still I have to chace them away even with 300 jumps inthe last 6 months. Anyway, as always I will jump with you anytime I can.
God bless us and God Bless America
Albatross

[nacmacfeegle 0]

Lovely prose, you have a real way with your writings.
I can't wait till you start describing the joy of jumping with other people.
Cya
D
Gravity Rat # 37
Remember, we can do everything right, and still get hurt.

[KATO33 0]

Is it me or does this girl have the makings of an Instructor She seems very aware of all parts of the dive. I always assumed "sky awareness" was a big key in being an Instructor or Coach. The only dive that I could recall that vividly would be My first tandem---(got it on video)
Blue Skies Black Death