Friday fun

[ScottishJohn 25]

Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a petrol station near Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner,
unaware as to who the golf pro. is...

"Top of the morning to you sir."

Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey Son?" ask the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.

"What're they for?" enquires the Irishman.

"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods.

"Jaysus", says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of everyting!

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If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[Skystorm 0]

hahahahahaha, good one.

I thought this picture was really funny...

Oops... I can't figure out how to save it as a jpeg file. Help anybody?

Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool, NOW!!!"

caution(TwistedHumor.com)

[ScottishJohn 25]

try doing a right mouse click on it or just post the URL of where the pic is

Here's another one for ya.

BEDTIME PRAYER (for women)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong.
He's not afraid to admit when he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Knows just what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
Thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
for I know You will send him before it's too late.
Amen


BEDTIME PRAYER (for men)

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen

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If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late

Thats what I'm sayin!!!!

[flyhi 24]

THE GOLF MATCH
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ehud Barak, then the leader of Israel (since assassinated), sent back a message to the College of cardinals.

The proposal was for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.

The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish our image to the world."

The Pope thought about this and as he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

None that plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Barak as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.