Tuesday funnies

[hobbes4star 0]

DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to
celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked
himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell
me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been
dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will
fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night.
He said, this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us. I think
this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other
than his mood.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper.
He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not
everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . .
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wicker.
Sore as hell . . . .
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard
cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
I feel tacky all over . .
Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning
blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Brining in
Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my
armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.
Day 12.
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with
a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to
the bed.
Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep
saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even
yawning has become dangerous . . . .
Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my
eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud
missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100
days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.
Day 15.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy"
makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.
Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he
want to. . . . stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the
casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are
afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I
told him to fuck himself. . . . he did. He must die.


Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join
up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless
at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.,
but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch,
mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham
steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you
get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If
he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the
city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The
country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a
schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school
board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near
as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at
you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie
there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son, Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and
ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:

"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age
and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking
girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding
in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love
cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and
watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home
from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm
yours."

Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.

The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was
an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643
calls in two days.

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[PLFXpert 0]

There's a Saturnight live commercial that all the men are excited and screaming, "My sex life is so much better. THANKS VIAGRA!" And then the camera pans over to the wives, who look worn out and are frowning and sarcastically say, "Yea, thanks a lot Viagra."

HA HA H AH AHA....such a shame, such a shame...who needs viagra as long as your girl can work her mouth?