Wed. funnies

[hobbes4star 0]

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the
shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the
hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a
light flashes on them---it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," he answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says the cop.

"Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[wlie 0]

While enjoying an Early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona café, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."

My other ride is the relative wind.

[ScottishJohn 25]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have lemons?"
the bartender says, "No, we don't have lemons!" Disappointed the duck
leaves.

Ten minutes later he comes back and asks the bartender, "Do you have
lemons?" Slightly annoyed, the bartender says, "For the second
time, no we don't have lemons!"

The duck turns around and leaves, only to return ten minutes later
and once again asks the bar keep, "Do you have lemons?"

The bartender is pissed, " If you come in here one more time and ask
if I have lemons, I will get my hammer and nail your little webbed
feet to the damn floor!" The duck flies out of the bar quacking in
fear.

Ten minutes later, the duck walks in, the bartender in astonishment
listens as the duck asks, "Do you have nails?"

Confused, the bartender says, "No." The duck replies, "Good, do you
have lemons?"


Burger King, Not
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR JOB AT BURGER KING ISN'T WORKING OUT:

16. Your incessant "Heh, heh, he said, 'Buns.'" is really getting on
your supervisor's nerves.

15. What you thought was an innovative way to keep both you and the
meat patties warm turns out to violate several health code
standards.

14. Your salary just can't support that $200-a-night hooker habit.

13. Nomination as the Republican Party candidate is just one big
time conflict.

12. Boss fires your slacker butt after realizing that you're not
"Herb" after all.

11. Flame broiled, my ass!? (No really, I flame broiled my ass!)

10. Latest inventory shows chocolate shake supplies usage has tripled
since you were hired and you need a bigger uniform every three days.

9. Those "special orders" not only upset you, they make you postal!

8. You get caught asking customers in the men's room if they'd "like
to supersize that?"

7. Supervisor's insistence on hairnets for your armpits was the last
straw.

6. Some young punk with just three years on the job steals your
assistant fry boy position.

5. Just no fun anymore to get liquored up, head for the arches and
kick some McButt.

4. Arrested one too many times for using your "built-in organic onion
ring circumference measuring device."

3. "No shake for you, Lard Ass!" doesn't really reflect your sincere
concern about the customer's health.

2. You deep-fry your right arm, hoping it'll make you more
"presidential."

And the Number 1 Sign Your Job at Burger King Isn't Working Out...

1. When you hand out paper crowns to kids, you say, "Here you go!
Now you're the King of the Snot-Nosed Little Bastards!"


Wee! Higher!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the
door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past
three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he
thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the
door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in bed!" screams the
man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife
what happened.

She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids
up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to
get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to
get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," explains the wife. "He needs our help and it
would be nice to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes
downstairs. He opens the door but he can't see the stranger anywhere
in the dark, so he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.

The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your swing."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[skybytch 273]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.


JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "They" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.

I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this Abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.


DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!


ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.


MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?


CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?


FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.


EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?


GEORGE W. BUSH

I don't think I should have to answer that question.


LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


THE BIBLE

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?