friday funnies

[hobbes4star 0]

After much soul searching and having determined the husband
was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial
insemination. When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was
told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and
place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when
the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the
sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the
hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into
a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all
out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for
what's on tap."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[Ricx 0]

These are great!!! sent to me by a bird!


A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they
both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, and the man on
the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says,"
I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you

could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a
glint in his eye, says, "I've got better idea ..... Let's pretend we're
married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good", he replies. "Get your
own f***ing blanket."

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Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage.........I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak
up the stairs, I get undressed in bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?" ------ His
mate looks at him and says," Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my
wife's bum and say, "How about a blow job??".... and she's always sound
asleep."

================================================================
A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favourite bar in
Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things
progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant interlude he
asked with a smile, "So my darling...you finish?" She paused for a
second, frowned, and replied "No." Surprised, the young man reached for
her; and the lovemaking resumed. This time, she thrashes about wildly;
and there are screams of passion. The love making ends; and again, the
young man smiles, and asks, "Dis time you finish?" Again, she returns
his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No." Stunned, but
damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches
for her. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it; but they
climax simultaneously, screaming, clawing and ripping bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn
his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "So, you
finish?" "No!" she shouts back, "Stop asking, I no Finish, I Sveedish!"

================================================================
An 80 year old man hobbles into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren.

Last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls. I made love with
both of them ...twice." The priest said, "Well my son, when was the last

time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!?
Then, why are you telling me?" asks the priest. "Telling you...I'm
telling everybody", says the man.

================================================================
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with

a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He
responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he
replied Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone".

================================================================
A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang .It
was her husband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of
them!"

[hobbes4star 0]

Thirty Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our
relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and
I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something
meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell
her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't
look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's
Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?