More Tuesday Funnies

[Brisco 0]

A man was walking down the street one day when up ahead of him he spotted a little boy, dressed as a fireman, sitting a little red wagon being pulled by a large dog. As he got closer, he saw that the boy had the pull-rope tied around the dogs testicles. The dog was just plodding along, hanging it's head. Wincing in sympathy for the poor dog, the man said to the boy, "That's a nice fire engine you have there, but I think that dog would pull you much faster if you tied that rope around his neck!" "Yes, I know," the boy replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Brisco

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

[wlie 0]

Jacob (92)& Rebecca (85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding & on the way go past a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in and addresses the man behind the counter - -

"Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes"

Jacob: Do you sell heart medication? Pharmacist: Of course we do.

Jacob: How about medicine for circulation? Pharmacist: All kinds.

Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism? Pharmacist: Definitely.

Jacob: How about Viagra? Pharmacist: Of course.

Jacob: Medicine for memory? Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.

Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills? Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob turns to Rebecca - - "Sweetheart, we might as well register our wedding gift list with them!

My other ride is the relative wind.

[judedre 0]

A large German woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar
in
> >London. She raised her right arm, revealing a hairy armpit as she pointed
> >to
> >all the people sitting at the bar and asked,"What Englishman here will
buy
> >a
> >German lady drink?"
> >
> >The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end
> >of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk called Ross slammed his hand down on the
> >counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink.
> >
> >The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to
> >the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
> >hairy armpit, and asked,
> >
> >"What Englishman here will buy a German lady another drink?"
> >
> >Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
> >bellowed,"Give the ballerina another drink!"
> >
> >The bartender approached the drunk and said,"Say, old chap, it's your
> >business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling
> >her the ballerina?"
> >
> >"As far as I am concerned," the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift
her
> >leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

ps the joke above this one is Not very funny and nothin to do with me..

[JumpNFly 0]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so
glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker,slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!
You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack,or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

The key to walking on water... Is knowing where the rocks are