thursday funny

[bluefingers 0]

With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a
more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours,
thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1) On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22
toilet trip credits, which may be accumulated.

2) Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the
toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first working
day of the following month.

3) In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll
extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an
alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will
retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open
automatically.

4) If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a
security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.

5) Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip
credits.

6) Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo
counselling by a clinical psychologist.

7) Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any
injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into
the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.

We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if you
have any problems with this policy, you should make more use of your own
toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts content.

SIGNED
MANAGEMENT

Kerry

[Phil 0]

"How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition:
a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic
embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log
hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink,
to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET
POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of
coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-
up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A
subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that
creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of
diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to
become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom."

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how high can you fly with broken wings ...
life's a journey not a destination