An Irish Woman's letter to her Son.

[TheBile 0]

Dear son,
Just a few lines to let you know I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come back because we have moved. About your Father : he has a lovely new job with 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetary. There was a washing machine in the house when we moved in, but it does not work very well. Last week I put 14 shirts in it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I don't know if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle. Your Uncle Dick drowned in a vat of whisky in dublin's distillery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body which took three weeks to put out.
Your father did not have too much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint and it kept him going 'til new year.
I went to see the Doctor on Thursday. Your father came too. The Doctor put a tube in my mouth and told me not to open my mouth for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it.
It rained twice last week. First four days, then three days. On Monday the wind was so srong that one of the hens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker to say if the last instalments were not paid on your Gran's grave, up she comes.
All the best.
Your Loving Mother
PS : I was going to put £30 in with this letter, but I have already sealed the envelope. Sorry.

---

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[Skitzo 0]

Thanks for the much needed laugh
-

"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?"

[wlie 0]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around!

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets

My other ride is the relative wind.