Friday Funnies

[Cajun 0]

After a hard day at work, philosopher and math guru Renee Descarte goes to his local drinking establishment. He sits down at the bar as the bartender asks him "Hey Renee, how about a beer?" Descarte replies with "I think not" and disappears.

[kinney29 0]

I had to read it a couple of times but I got it finally.
I feel smarter now.

Go Big or Go Home

[Marz 0]

I guess my four years of social science and philosophy finally paid off!!!!

_________________________________________
Did I just kill another thread?

[Guest]

Quote

After a hard day at work, philosopher and math guru Renee Descarte goes to his local drinking establishment. He sits down at the bar as the bartender asks him "Hey Renee, how about a beer?" Descarte replies with "I think not" and disappears.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[ScottishJohn 25]

can't remember if i've posted this one. Sorry if it's a repeat.

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his
dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used
to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached
to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and
place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point
tool and his four point tool.

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp
was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious
tool.

First he came upon the lion.

"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No."
Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No."
Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!"
replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool." "Well where is
it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would
you do that?" Cried the chimp. "Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a
four point tool eater jaguar!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[dterrick 0]

(best cheesy German accent please...) Two peanuts were walking down the road and one of them was assaulted....

Killer joke?
Obsure reference?
Neeh!

the Dave

Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting my friend (Lennon/McCartney)

[bvsdjumper 0]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, what's with the long face?"

Sky-div'ing (ski'div'ing) n. A modern sport that involves parties, bragging, sexual excesses, the imbibing of large quantities of beer, and, on rare occasions, parachuting from aircraft.

[Sebazz1 2]

What did the bra say to the hat?



"You go on a head I'll give these two a lift"

[Cajun 0]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.

[happythoughts 0]

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 10-year-old son standing at the barn door with wide-eyes, soaking in the whole event in complete awe. The farmer thought to himself, "Great, he's 10 now—it's about time I started explaining the birds and bees to him. But no need to jump the gun by getting too complicated. I'll just let him ask the questions and then I'll answer." The farmer continued helping the calf out of the birth canal and then toweled him down. When everything was over, the farmer walked over to his young son. "Well, son," said the farmer, "do you have any questions?" "Just one question, Dad," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[mujie96 0]

Heehee, god I'm such a nerd.
Jess

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

[SpeedRacer 1]

So, Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender says, "Olive or Twist?"

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[flyhi 24]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?


She's a woman.

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[Thanatos340 1]

A mushroom walks into a bar and says, Bar-keep.. A round of drinks for everyone, on me.
The bar-keep replies, you sure are a nice guy.
The mushroom replies "No, I am not a nice guy, I am a Fun Guy!!"

[happythoughts 0]

A dylexic walks into a bra...

[Jessica 0]

A guy walks into a bar lugging a huge chunk of asphalt with a broken yellow line painted down the middle.

"Gimme a drink," he says, "and one for the road."

Skydiving is for cool people only

[Thanatos340 1]

Dyslexic’s of the world Untie!!

[Thanatos340 1]

This String walks into a bar. The bar-keep throws him out because they don’t serve Strings. So the string rolls himself up in a ball and messes up his ends and hops back into the bar.
The Bar-keep says, "Hey, aren’t you that string that I just threw out?"
"No" the string replies, "I am afraid not".

[SpeedRacer 1]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?











-He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Speed Racer
--------------------------------------------------

[flyhi 24]

At Notre Dame Cathedral a few fortnights after the death of Quasimodo, there is a knock at the door. The senior priest opens the door to a man standing there, holding a copy of a classified ad. The ad says the Cathedral is searching for a new bell ringer.

The man says, “I am here to answer this ad.”

The priest says, “Okay, let me see your stuff.” (It sounds a lot classier in French) Since it is almost three o’clock, the pair climbs to the top of the bell tower and the man positions himself opposite the bell. At the prescribed time, the man runs across the bell tower and smacks face first into the bell. BONG He then backs up and again runs face first into the bell. BONG He proceeds to position himself for the last of the triad of bell ringing. This time, however, as he runs across the bell tower, he slips and falls to the pavement below.

The priest hurries down just as the local gendarme turns the man over. As he lay there face up, the gendarme says, “Father, do you know this man?” The priest looks at him and says, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

The next day, there is another knock on the door. This time when the priest answers the door, there is a young man there who says he is the brother of the bell ringer killed the day prior. He would like to ring the great bells of Notre Dame in memory of his brother. It just so happens that three o’clock is again approaching, so the pair hurry up the bell tower.

The young man employs the same technique as his brother, running face first into the bell. BONG BONG However, on his third attempt, he also slips and falls to the pavement below. The same gendarme arrives just prior to the priest and again asks, “Father, do you know this man?” The priest looks at him and says, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[happythoughts 0]

A man is driving along and loses control of his car. He veers into a construction site where a piece of iron decapitates him. They take the body to the morgue. They call his brother to come down and verify the identity of the body. The brother picks up the head by the ears. He turns it left, then right, and sets it down. "No, that isn't my brother." The coroner asks "Are you sure? How do you know?" "He wasn't that tall."