Hangovers

[TequilaGirl 0]

Hangovers suck - I know not to go out with my friends during the week.......and half of the little hussies I went out with last night are still at home in bed........

[ScottishJohn 25]

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject
in the known universe. You know you know everything and you
want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At
this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are
talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument
when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person
in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a
perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk
to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the
room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because
of course you are still CLEVER so naturally, you will always win.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the
knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone,
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you
can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and
challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear
of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are
CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than
them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on
a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of
the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the
face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE
to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through
the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can
see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know
all the words.

THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache,
the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that
you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the
ability to concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now
STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror
first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now
become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible.
Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection
of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather
probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to
shamble out the door when you discover that the money that
was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.
Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the
traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you
might have treated everyone to a takeaway at somepoint.
Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you
might have given the taxi driver a fifty pound note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID
and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe
hat you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all n
ight and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently
FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE
physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if
anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone
can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they
can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that
you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them,too
POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

AND TO FOLLOW...

Hangover Rating System

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed
and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there
with you. You are still able to function relatively well on the
energy stored up from all those vodka redbulls. However,
you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched
as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger
and side of fries.

2 star hangover * *

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.. You may look
okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity
of a stapler. The coffee you hug to try and remain focused
is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a
full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour
about the office, you are costing your employer valuable
money because all you really can handle is some light filing,
followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover * * *

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space
cadet and not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by
you gag because her perfume / aftershave reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer kicked you out at 3:45 a.m. Life would be better right
now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre
of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet
you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover * * * *

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and
you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew. Your
boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like
you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems depending
on your gender). Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.
Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you
look like a reject from the second-grade class picture circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following: home time,
a doughnut and somewhere to be alone or a time machine so you
could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 star hangover * * * * *

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour
is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still
have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death
seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad
at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died
because you look so pathetic. You should have called in
sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe......
very gently.

6 star hangover * * * * * *

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly,
as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You
get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head
wake you up. You notice that you bed has been cleared
for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is
in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the skirting
boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures
you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before
you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house
up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies cuddling the
only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly
continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back
to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach
totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back
to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself
inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile
out your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting
up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She /He abuses
you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice
and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the
hospital. Work is not an option. The whole day is spent
trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again,
like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and
who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might
even succeed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
If you think my attitude stinks you should smell my fingers

[Vallerina 2]

Alka Seltzer morning relief worked pretty well for me. I know there aren't any magical ingredients in it except for aspirin and caffeine, but I think the carbonation without much of a taste to it helps (the taste of pop sometimes makes me feel sicker.)

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[jessefs 0]

I'm right there with ya, I think Mr. Morgan and Mr. Daniels are still swashbuckling in my head over who is going to be Captain!

[TequilaGirl 0]

I was fine until somebody said we needed shots......

[Luminous 0]

Yup, Kiss of Death. And it's always those that don't have to be at work that suggest it.

Now that avatair fits.

'In an insane society a sane person seems insane.' Mr. Spock

[pop 0]

Quote

I was fine until somebody said we needed shots......

Shots?!? I'll take one!

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[TheBile 0]

Tens of dollars are not the only price you pay for getting drunk. You have to be willing to pay the consequences for it too.

Fortunately I don't suffer from Hangovers, just a furry mouth. Yay me ! Poor you.

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[nacmacfeegle 0]

Sheeesh Gerb, its been a while since I got drunk for ten bucks....

Cyndi, every time I hear about your drinking expoilts I can't help but recall the waiter's tie, your expression of glee, his expression of horror, and much associated nig noggery..

Hehe have a good one folks.

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[TequilaGirl 0]

I am sorry - that tie was ugly and it had to go......I can't believe he wouldn't let me light it on fire......

[ChileRelleno 0]

Thank you so very much! Nothing better than great big bellylaughs first thing in the morning, practically in tears.
I could relate so well, been there, done that, have the T-shirts.

ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414
Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868

[skycat 0]

Damn I miss going out for dinner with you.....like the night you thought the tortillas were frisbees

Fly it like you stole it!

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

its been a while since I got drunk for ten bucks....

Think Ripple or Night Train....

[Deuce 1]

In Jamaica they sold this great product that was like half Vivarin and half Vicodone. So go to Jamaica.

H0oo-whah!

Uh, shots of tequila?

[TequilaGirl 0]

Geez - that was a long time ago......I got in trouble for dancing on a table too at dinner.....but you would have been proud - I had spotters.......

[sunshine 2]

Quote

I was fine until somebody said we needed shots......

There's always room for shots!!

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[TheBile 0]

Quote

Sheeesh Gerb, its been a while since I got drunk for ten bucks....

I said TENS of dollars. The only way you could get drunk on $10 is to use the old Scottish tradition of buying one pint and relying on everyone else being generous, and then leaving the pub 10 seconds before it's your round.

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[freeflyz 0]

I feel your pain!! Nursing a hangover right now!!!!!Ther is a live heavy metal band playing in my head!!!!!5 bottles of wine after dinner!!Was not a good idea,but at the time sweet,bring them on!!!!!!

[sunshine 2]

Quote

The only way you could get drunk on $10 is

I can get drunk for less than $10. I'm a lightweight.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[outofit 0]

it is noon on the east coast which translate into beer thirty-----just a little something for ya to think about

It is better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool!

[outofit 0]

what put it (hangover) in u will also take it out of u.
translation, the best thing to do for a severe hangover is to wake up and start drinking the same thing u ended with the night before. that is what alcoholics do so what the hell.

It is better to be dead and cool than alive and uncool!

[AggieDave 6]

The only way for me to get drunk on $10 is to buy that $10 30-pack of Keystone Light and drink all of them. Or buy a 3-4 bottles of MD 20/20 and take the remaining $5 and get a hamburger.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[freeflir29 0]

Quote

Or buy a 3-4 bottles of MD 20/20 and take the remaining $5 and get a hamburger

Kinda like sitting under bridges when it's raining. Millions of homeless people can't be wrong.

[sunshine 2]

Quote

Kinda like sitting under bridges when it's raining. Millions of homeless people can't be wrong.

Ask Sebazz. He's homeless now, unless you count his cardboard box a home.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[novacaine 0]

OT I know about whats the difference between a dog and a fox? For me its about 10 beers