quatorze 1 #1 November 23, 2002 BUMPER STICKERS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE - SOME NEW ONES 1. Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 2. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings" 3. The proctologist called, they found your head. 4. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 5. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! 6. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 7. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 8. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 9. Hang up and drive. 10. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you! 11. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends 12. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. 13. Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself. 14. Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me," 15. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. 16. Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. 17. Welcome to America...Now speak English I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #2 November 23, 2002 A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. you got a Arkansas license?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert." I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #3 November 23, 2002 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made mybig mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. " Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that!" I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #4 November 23, 2002 oh jeez, Quade I don't care if this is true or not don't tell me, this is too funny... > >Fromt the Associated Press: > >ARKANSAS CITY (AP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after >leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best >escribed as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses. > >Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted >from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced >that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into >the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was >Jesus. > >"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of >the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, >husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the >scene. > >"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams >said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus >as gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say. > >"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," >said Paul Madison, first trooper on the scene. Madison questioned the man >who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and >was on his way to a toga costume party when he tarp covering the bed of >his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled >with helium which floated up into the air. > >Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his >friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the >air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car >passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up >into he sky as they passed by him. According to her husband, who says his >wife loved Jesus more than anything else. > >When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied >"This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to >happen." I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quatorze 1 #5 November 23, 2002 just one more Three women die together in an accident and go to > heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, > "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on > the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, > there are ducks all over the place. > It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, > and although they try their best to avoid them, > the first woman accidentally steps on one. > > Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever > saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, > "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend > eternity chained to this ugly man!" > > The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on > a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss > a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. > He chains them together with the sameadmonishment > as for the first woman. > > The third woman has observed all this and not > wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, > is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages > to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one > day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome > man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. > St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word. > > The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve > being chained to you for all of eternity?" > The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck." > I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #6 November 23, 2002 Quote " Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that!" Roflmao -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
