Thursday Funnies (Northern football vs. Southern football)

[AggieDave 6]

Subject: Northern vs. Southern Football
Women's Accessories:

NORTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.

SOUTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass
interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Archie &Peyton Manning

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiits up north.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.

Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[craichead 0]

Having grown up in Knoxville, home of the University of Tennessee Volunteers, I can verify that every statement in that post about southern football is true.

So glad I'm not there anymore...

Although, I'm kind of proud to say that in high school I was friends with Chad Pennington, current starting quarterback for the New York Jets! A possible reason to attend my 10 year reunion, I suppose.

-P

__
"Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC)

[jfields 0]

The BBQ and bourbon sound good. Just skip that football crap.

[happythoughts 0]

"Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America. "

Hey Dave, how many of the last Miss Americas have been from Texas?

The problem with the north is they don't have a culture.

[AggieDave 6]

3, I think. I can't remember.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[mouth 0]

This will be the scene:

Buses arrive at 7am sharp (my Dad is driving so he best be on time)

7 buses for the band
2 for the football team
8-10 (I missed the last count) 55 pax buses for fans
1 bus for cheerleaders Varsity and Junior Varsity

Enough green and yellow paint on the windows of each to blind traffic for a mile. Everyone (drivers included) dressed in green and gold with shamrocks everywhere.

The local TV station and radio stations are ALL setting up to do live remotes from the Dome.

I have my various noise making yelling helpers already packed. Enough food to feed the entire bus in my fridge. The coaches passed out cool cups commemorating the big event today so all the teachers would have one. Last weeks full color program folded to fit in my back pocket just in case they don't have our Boys numbers correct...not that I don't know most of them anyway.

Dublin has closed the schools along with many businesses (including the dance studio because all of the cheerleaders also are members of the performing dance company and will be at the game)to make the trek to Atlanta to the GA Dome for the semi final Ga High School Playoffs Game.

EVERYTHING you said about Southern football was correct. Wish the Irish GOOD LUCK!

PS...got my chapstick and $20 already in the pocket of the jeans I'm wearing tomorrow.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[quatorze 1]

Yup, even when the team has a losing season we still do this... Let's go GAMECOCKS

I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle

[AggieDave 6]

An example, in Aggieland we have Kyle Field (the football stadium). Our record attendance so far is over 92,000! 90% of which were die hard Aggies, decked out in Maroon t-shirts, with 2,000 in uniform (the Corps of Cadets). Every Friday before a home football game, around 15,000 gather in the stadium at Midnight for yell practice, 15,000! That's more then a lot of football games outside of the state of Texas get for their entire game attendence...

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[quatorze 1]

Have you ever seen the movie, the Program, filmed in our very own Williams-Bryce Stadium, nothing like hearing one side of the stadium yell GAME only to be answered by the other half of 80,000 and COCKS

Win or lose, we are there

I'm not afriad of dying, I'm afraid of never really living- Erin Engle

[lowpull 0]

Being a FSU fan(even in the shitty years) I truly thank whatever passes for God in your (and my)particular world for Friday nite and Saturday football.


"Dadgum It!" St. Bobbie

Ralph