Hugs and Flight and Peace

[Michele 1]

Hoping that I have remembered enough from the canopy class to land relatively safely, I pack up my car in the dark with my gear bag (woefully shy of actual gear), and the cardboard box that currently houses my beautiful and friendly canopy (my canopy deserves something much more appropriate than a cardboard box). I leave my house at 6:15, sleep deprived and nervous. Stopping for a Starbucks treat, I get onto the road, driving through the still, quiet morning. Dawn is coming, and I can feel the city around me start to wake up as I make my way down to Perris. Hitting a dense damp wall of fog as I near the DZ, I wonder - will it actually clear? I can't see more than 50 yards around me, and, as I park in the lot and greet Shivas Das, he excitedly announces the fog will lift by 9, and our first load will go shortly thereafter....but I think it will be more like 10:30 am. I am in no hurry though. I know the sky is there, blue above the fog, waiting. It'll be there later, and I will taste the sky again today.

I toddle over to Square1, rent my gear, and get back out into the grey morning. I strike up a conversation with a trio that I discover have lurked here, and are from the Ranch - Mary, Howard and Joe. I see Albatross and get a hug from him, and then the trio and I go off and get some coffee, and chat nonstop about jumping. Sitting there, just hanging out, YahooLV comes in, wraps his arms around me, and hugs me tightly. What a great way to start the day! As the gloom begins to lighten, the NY trio and I go back over to manifest, where Jack orients them with the photos. They ask me about a vidiot who might be around for them to bring along on a jump. Quade's working, but Lori seems free, so I suggest her, and point her out to them. I catch up to Lori, and let her know about it too, hoping they can work something out. It's a DZ.com kinda day, it would seem. I know FallnAngel and Landmissle are due, as well, and it can only get better from here!

The sun starts to peek out, a glowing transparent ball through the fog. I spot Glen ("Vectorboy"). He and I hug (another great hugger), and we chat. I promise him that I will jump with him today, and although it's been forever since I've had any extended freefall, we start talking about doing a sit. I know I will be all over the sky, so I decide that I want a few jumps in before that, just to refresh myself. The Bytch comes walking up, and we go get breakfast and, as we watch, the entire first load, and the next, slide in on their bottoms. The grass is still very damp from the fog, and I decide that I will not be aiming for the grass today - still not sure about my landing skills, and I'd really rather not add a slide distance attempt to my few adventures at this point. As we sit there, enjoying the sun, this beautiful lady walks up, kinda staring at me. As I sit there feeling odd, she approaches me and asks "Are you Michele from DZ.com?" I jump up and say "Karen!!!" and hug her. (I am getting my quota of hugs today, which is good. I squirrel them away for those days I don't get hugs at all, you see...).

Lisa gets going, she's off to Vegas. Karen, and Steve (Landmissle) get squared away over at manifest, and we decide to make a jump. We manifest, and dirt dive a very simple, easy jump - designed especially for me. A linked exit, Karen as front float, me as rear with the count, and Steve latched onto my chest strap. We are to form up in a 3-way star, and then do release/regrips one way around, with me going last. O.K., I can do this. Even if I can't do this, I can try really hard. Well, at least I can fall stable. Oh, they are gonna hate jumping with me. We go over what to do if the exit funnels, and if there's something wrong with gear in the air. I am already sweating, and nervously tie and retie my shoes. There is no wind, but I can handle that - well, sorta - and it doesn't scare me as it has in the past. Gear up, get on the plane, rearrange the exit order, rearrange it again, and then...I feel the plane lift off. We are free. I notice my hands trembling when I check my alti against the others around me. Just a minor, almost imperceptible shake, but still. It's been so long! I go over and over the dive in my head, and shut my eyes and try to imagine it perfectly. It's amazing, being in the sky again. I look out the window, and watch the world retreat - all my problems and difficulties are there - away from me, down below, somewhere else. For now, for this brief time, I am free, away. Green light, jump run, to the door...Karen's out, I'm out, Steve's ready, all set, breathe, out-in-out....free cold wind thump whack I will not go over...my job is to be base, to be stable, so I thrust hips down, relax. Karen comes in quickly, and Steve gets here at about 8K, and keys Karen's release. She goes, backs up. Steve and I regrip. She comes in at the right spot, and now it's Steve's turn to leave and come back...and now, it's 5.8K, no more...5K, turn and track...but I don't track well, more like a dive than a track, and it's very quickly 4K, and I clear airspace really fast and wave off, reach and deploy...

There it is, my beautiful canopy. I haven't seen it etched against the bright blue in sooooo long, and I admire it. As I stow the slider, I look past it, and there, ahead of me but really far away, an AFF is deploying...the canopy is blooming, and the jm's are leaving, and what a moment to observe. How excellent! I think, and then look around. There are canopies all over. Like 53 million of them, it seems, and I realize that I haven't been in the air with other canopies for a long time. This will be interesting. I check out my canopy, and get into the approach pattern. I have decided to land parallel to the grass, beside it. I am not ready to try to dodge people standing on the grass, as well as dealing with the slippery green. It's fast, really fast. No wind, nothing...so I of course flare too high and too fast, but smoothly and completely...I feel it lift when I am about 10 feet up and know I will have to ride this out. No releasing toggles, just stay...reach, slide, heels digging into the dirt, and blam onto my bottom. I look around, and there I am, great placement insofar as the actual spot, and think about what I did - too high, a little short, but it's all good nonetheless. I wiggle - it's been a great jump, and I landed safely, and had fun. I am grinning.

We debrief, and take a short break. We three decide to do this again, and go manifest. I gear up, and get a gear check from Steve and Karen, and they both comment about my closing pin - it's at an odd angle to them, but they both think it will be fine. But I think about what that could mean (nothing out, mal, reserve ride, uh, no, not today, thank you very much!), and because I'm scared, I go try to find my packer or someone I know knows my stuff. I spot Clint, and ask him to check the pin. It's fine, so we're good to go. I see Emily in the loading area, so we chat for a few minutes. She's got a flashsmile - huge and bright and contagious. We get up fast because we are a light load, and so I can relax a little bit. Green light, door open, air washes in. Wave at Emily as they go out somehow linked together, and then the next group goes, and it's our turn. I am a little faster taking my position this time, and everyone's set, so out-in-out and present reach for Steve's hand on my chest strap but it turns and slides away but Karen has stayed here, and Steve's gone somewhere. Karen and I get grips, and steady ourselves, handling fallrates and balancing with each other. I see Steve coming. He makes it in, and we start the round of release/regrip. Karen goes. And then it's Steve's turn. They are so easy in the air, such small moves, so relaxed and quiet in their bodies. I am still not resting in my column of air today, haven't managed to find that sweet spot, but we are stable, at least. At 6K, I think, it's too close to break-off time for me to release/regrip. When Steve keys me to release, I do...but turn and track away. As I start to track, it occurs to me that break-off was at 5K, not 6, and I wasn't supposed to leave yet...but I can't turn around and come back, no time. Keep tracking. I clear airspace and deploy, far better than before. I look around, and see their canopies open and clear, and now the air is full of others again. This bright rainbow canopy comes zooming at me, and I freeze. Does he see me? Do I shout? Kick my legs? Oh shit, what? And then I realize it's a canopy I know, and he's under control. He knows what he's doing. I look at him, and he's looking right at me as he passes me at about 1800 feet up and about 50 feet in front of me. My heart thuds as I pass through his wake, but it's time to start the pattern, and set up. I do a much better one this time, again not grass but behind it, a little crosswind, and still a bit high, but control it better and then forget to take any steps so bang down onto my knees. As I gather my gear, I think about that landing; what was right and what could I do better, and I am pleased. While not on my feet, and while far from perfect, I am near where I want to be, and much more in control than before the class. YAY for me...kinda. Pat McGowan hollars over "I buzzed Michele!!" and I go over to him and start talking. He mentions that maybe I should have turned to the right, to create distance, avoid him, and I agree. I should have. I didn't because I knew it was him, and because we had eye contact, but I should have...'cause what if it wasn't him? I love learning. This is a lesson I will remember...

And now, it's time for last load. We manifest on sunset load, and Glen will be joining us this time. It will be fun to see his face in the air, I think, but it won't be a sit attempt; it will be the same jump but with one more person. He will be rear float, and I am gonna squeeze in the middle. I can do this, thinks me, and this time, I will be first to let go and regrip...into the plane, sardine style. Breathe, relax, practice the jump in my head. It's a long ride to alti, and we get an extra thousand feet. A large group goes, and then it's our turn. Glen and Karen go, I check the spot and I go, Steve's ready, and count and go and Karen is off but Glen has a good grip on me and Steve, so we stay together. We sort out fall rate, and stabalize. Karen comes in, regrips. We are together, all four of us, at 10.5 or so. I look around and I am grinning. I can't tell if they are, because they have full faces on, but they're having fun, you can see the body language. How great to be in the air with three other people, holding hands, joined in a circle in the gloaming, sunrays reaching out, signalling the dwindling day. How special to see faces with me in the air, how inclusive and exclusive an experience this skydiving thing is. Steve keys me to leave and regrip, so I let go, lift my chest, and slide back. And back. And back. They are higher than me now, too. I finally stop about 150 feet away, and think "well, now what? How the fuck am I supposed to get back there?" I think about tracking, but decide not to, because tracking at a group just doesn't seem right - I'll clobber them if I can't stop in time. I see them trying to get on a level with me, and I try to bubble and get back up to them, but no joy. I can cup the earth all I want, but it's not working right now. I turn my back to them, thinking maybe they'll get the message and go on with the jump...but no, they remain in place, watching me. I turn back to them, and wave...I feel forlorn, an air orphan, out here. Like they got to go to the party and I wasn't invited. It's lonely up there when you've been separated from your group. Lonely and scary. I get my arms down and back, trying to move forward, trying, trying, trying, and not accomplishing a damned thing. I am not sure what to do...and then I remember...plan the dive, dive the plan. No-one said that if it screws up, go do your own thing...so at 5K, I turn and track, and pull at 4, just as planned. The canopy opens, and here I am, resting, above the desert, in the twilight. I circle slowly, and see the snowcapped mountains to the north, tinged coral and glowing. Eastward I see the arms of the night, reaching upwards to claim it's time. In the west, I look over the mountains, gauzed with a thin veil of mist, muted and indistinct, and hear the silence of the world. I see the night extending, stealing the warmth and light from the sky, and the melting sun balancing on the rim of the hills. It is peaceful here, in a way incomparable to the ground...no noise except my own breathing, a silent movie in full color, nature at a moment of surrendering day to the night. I am awed; I am witness to a daily cycle in a way few know.

I land a little short, and a little farther out than I had planned, but it's o.k., because I have just been given a gift few know - a peace instilled in my heart, a quietness in my mind, and a joy in my soul which is not given to most humans. And I know this peace will be here for me when it gets too much in my world, too much to bear, to handle, to contemplate. A full canopy, a sunset, and peace can always be achieved no matter what else is occurring. I can just shut my eyes, and be there again. How grateful I am for that!

And as I come back to the packing area, I realize just how much my canopy fear has been holding me back. I hadn't been able to progress in freefall at all - and actually regress in some areas, because I had been so concerned about the canopy part of the jump. Every time I left the plane, I dreaded opening and thought about that most of the freefall time. I wouldn't take any kind of chances in freefall, because it was enough of a challenge to get landed without hurting myself. And now, as I realize this, I feel that understanding lift me, lighten me, and free me from that fear. I grin. I wiggle. I have challenged that fear, and have made major inroads into it, and will continue to whittle it away until there is nothing left of it to impact me. It has been an amazing day, full of friends, hugs, flight, and peace.

Ciels-
Michele

Photo: Steve(landmissle) me, Karen(fallnAngel)
~~Edit: O.K., we'll try it this way ~~

http://www.perriscam.com/Images4/dsg44969.JPG

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[pds 0]

i am so proud of you, michele. next time i get out there, you must join me for a sunset clear and pull.

luv ya.

p.s. image seems broken.

namaste, motherfucker.

[jceman 1]

Very nice, Michele.

As usual, you have turned the phrases masterfully, I was with you on all three jumps. Congratulations on your breakthrough.

"Twas a nice start to the new year, no?

Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money.

Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them?

[Gawain 0]

Michele...

You really, really, really, really, really, really, need to send some of these essays to Parachutist and Skydiving mag. And when you're writing about something else, you should send it to the LA Times for their Sunday Life edition. Hell, send it to the Boston Globe (whose Sunday edition is a friggin monster). Good story!

I've decided that I am going to continue pestering you about this and I'm going to make a point of making sure either you and I connect at Elsinore or Perris before spring...

That's all I have to say about that!

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[skybytch 273]

Glad you had a great day even though I flaked on ya....

Aren't hugs from friends great? Been months since I was out there on a weekend day; sure was great to see (and get hugs from) everyone.

[wingnut 0]

michele, once again...... you are awsome!!!! i felt like i was there!!!!! you know you got a jump on me when i'm at perris next......ya up for a fruitloop???? take care.... blu skies and soft landings......

______________________________________
"i have no reader's digest version"

[dropdeded 0]

Wonderful reading Michele.I'd love to get ahold of your logbook

dropdeded
pcss#26

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The Dude Abides.
-

[hooked 0]

Michele,

You told of your experience, beautifully. I felt as though I was up there too, ha! Great day for you, and keep writing and keep sending stories to everywhere!!! They will be published!

J

--------------------------------------
Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[ladyskydiver 0]

Hey, Michele!

As promised in your PM, an absolutely wonderful story. I felt like I was there with you on those jumps. And the vision of jumping with the mountains in view....wow! I can not wait to jump at Perris and see that.

I'm looking forward to the day we jump together.
Aren't hugs the greatest?

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[FallnAngel 0]

Hi, Michelle!!

We've just arrived back home...what fun to read about our jumps together from your perspective!
I've only been to a few dropzones, but I can honestly say that Steve & I were made to feel like family from the moment we stepped onto the dropzone, and I've never felt that welcome anywhere so quickly. This truly is a skydiving family

Blue skies, Michelle!

Karen

[Muenkel 0]

Michele,

You have no idea how I have benefitted from your gift of writing.

Thanks, I really needed to read that.
Love ya,
Chris

_________________________________________
Chris

[Michele 1]

Quote

I'd love to get ahold of your logbook

Uh, Ed? DZ.com is my log book - LOLOLOL!!!! The actual thing really isn't that interesting.

Gawain, yes, we need to jump. I wanna try Elsinore again, maybe sooner rather than later, but it will depend on some other things which are working.

Jan, I am sending stuff, but haven't heard yet from anyone. Seems that I can't send the stuff I post here - something about first rights or something, so dunno what I'll do about that. But who knows, things seem to have a way of working out for the most part (hey, remind me of that when I slammed by depression again, o.k.?)

Quote

We both had such a great time jumping with you, and jumping with others for the remainder of the week. Although it may take us a few months, we'll definitely be back down.

Let me know - I would be tickled to jump with you both again...and maybe by then I will have learned to stay with the group I leave the plane with. Or maybe not. But a girl can hope, right? LOL

Gawd, I can't wait to get into the sky again. May be a few weeks, but then, who knows - maybe I'll be actually ordering my container...still lacking a reserve and cypres...but it's coming together...slowly, but coming together.

Hope all had great weeks, and even better weekends!

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~