jumperconway 0 #1 February 14, 2003 Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Good Southern Ass Whuppin. Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites: 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your a$$. 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your a$$. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's patottie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever...it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an a$$ kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your a$$. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her a$$. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your a$$. 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your a$$. 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your a$$. 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your a$$ kicked. 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your a$$ on home before it gets kicked. 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your a$$. 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your a$$ all the way back to Boston Harbor. 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your a$$ just like they did ours. 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore, or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your a$$. 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your a$$ shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box ... minus your a$$! DISCLAIMER: This is a JOKE. It is not intended to offend anyone. If you cannot take it as a joke -- we'll kick your a$$! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #2 February 14, 2003 Quote 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her a$$. WorldCom, Turner, MTV, Clinton, Gore, Duke -- Small lapses?! LMAO!!! ROFLMAO~~~~ So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #3 February 14, 2003 16) Don't use Y'all to refer to one person. It is a contraction of you-all. Plural you, not singular. That is a nerve grater. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kingbunky 3 #4 February 14, 2003 i thought y'all was singular, and all y'all was plural. "Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart." MB4252 TDS699 killing threads since 2001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dreamsville 0 #5 February 14, 2003 Yes, you are mostly a courteous bunch. I am also glad that you don't carry a chip on your shoulder. I don't drink during the day, so I don't know what it is about this airline. I keep falling out the door of the plane. Harry, FB #4143 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #6 February 14, 2003 Quote i thought y'all was singular, and all y'all was plural. Blasphemer. What do Canadians know aboot English grammar anyway, eh? Plural you. Ain't you got no learnin' ? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kingbunky 3 #7 February 14, 2003 i'll have y'all know i were edjumakated at the comoonity kollej rite hear in moncton, noo brunswik. i got book learnin' up the wazoo! kollej, where the k stands fer kwallity. "Hang on a sec, the young'uns are throwin' beer cans at a golf cart." MB4252 TDS699 killing threads since 2001 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #8 February 14, 2003 Exactly! Although you left out the fact that Texans have a HELL of a lot of pride, we were a country first and we charish and prize our history. Go visit Goliad and the Alamo!--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #9 February 14, 2003 Quote None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently LMAO -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
