guess who

[diverdriver 7]

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Relationships are about compromise. A lot of posters think she is allowing him too much. It is her life.

I do have to agree with this. I'm not even sure why people are freaking out...it's her hair. If turning my hair blue made my grandma happy, I'd probably do it (hmm...okay, maybe not anymore since my work would fire me)...it doesn't mean that she has some all powerful control over me, it's just that I'm willing to compromise something that doesn't matter much. It's hair people!!!!! Who cares if her husband likes it better blonde/brunette?

Ummm.......Val, it's this comment from her:

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If were not for hubby I would not done blonde in the first place and I would have already of gone back brown if I were not affraid of his response.

She's afraid of her husband? That comes across as pretty onerous. Maybe it's a poor choice of words on her part. Care to clear that up Freebird?

[Vallerina 2]

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She's afraid of her husband? That comes across as pretty onerous. Maybe it's a poor choice of words on her part.

Well, you haven't met my grandma! I'm afraid of her, too!

I think Bill hit the nail on the head....maybe she's afraid of him not finding her attractive.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[Zennie 0]

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I assure you that the problem lies within me not my husband

We've talked a bit about this kind of stuff Tiff & IMHO what you're saying is both true and not true.

Your mindset is very similar to what mine was when Liz & I first split off...

"My problems are my fault."
"If only I was better, if only I did more, if only I was more attractive, (s)he might love me."
"(S)he is the victim, all of my problems are my own doing."

Guilt is a very powerful emotion... more powerful than love in some ways. Some of us are consumed by it (because some of us also have a conscience we can't ignore). We assume responsibility for everything because we believe that if we didn't make mistakes X, Y & Z, none of these problems would have surfaced. After all, that's what (s)he is telling us, right?

Wrong.

You're blaming yourself for so many things that aren't your doing. You're hating yourself for qualities you don't have. You believe you can change, and that by changing things will get better.

The problem is, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how much you change, that won't be good enough for certain people. They will always find something else that you're doing wrong.

You'll find yourself constantly trying to change to make them happy, because you live under the illusion that by making someone else happy, you will be happy too. That's the curse of a giving person.

Unfortunately, all that sort of behavior does is make you more and more miserable as you sacrifice more and more of your identity to make someone else happy. You're molding yourself into someone else's image, not your own.


I went into a severe depression (that I'm still recovering from) and nearly lost myself trying to do the very same sort of thing.

If you want to be happy, be what YOU want to be. Follow the goals in life that YOU set for yourself, not what others set for you.

Follow your conscience. It will never steer you wrong. But don't confuse guilt with your conscience, because sometimes they are very different things... particularly when someone else has control of your guilt, not yourself.

So what I'm trying to say it is that some of the problem does lie with you because you are incorrectly analyzing yourself... that you are allowing others to control your destiny.

But your problems don't lie with you for a much bigger and more important reason... anyone that truly loves you... YOU ... will accept you for who you are and encourage you to pursue your dreams.

I made this mistake once, I won't make it again. And if that means I'm single the rest of my life, so be it.

- Z
"Always be yourself... unless you suck." - Joss Whedon

[blewaway5 0]

Ok, freebird, I almost pm'd this to you but then I figured, no, maybe I'll feel better to spread my opinion to everyone that has the chance to read it. To get right to the point, are you happy in the relationship you are in? From where I sit it seems that way. Is the relationship perfect? I'm yet to see a perfect relationship, BUT I think if a person is happy in the relationship despite whatever imperfections there may be, so be it. On top of all that, if you aren't being hurt then I don't think your relationship is mine or anyone else's business.

I dunno, maybe I'm way off base here, but that's what I think. Don't let all the people who barely know you get you down if you can't think of a reason to be down on your own.

Truman Sparks for President

[freebird 0]

She's afraid of her husband? That comes across as pretty onerous. Maybe it's a poor choice of words on her part. Care to clear that up Freebird? ***
I'll clear or sum up my life.

I had a beautiful daughter when I was 20. I was married for 2 years and divorced at 22. He was a drinker and cheat Did not really care I was not hurt when I divorced my first husband because my feelings for him had been gone a long time.

I as a person am a person that does seek perfection but it will never come.

I moved back to Houston with my mother and worked and went to school. Yes I had to take a 3 year old to a physical geology class a few times
(don't ask why I took that class)

My dad and mom did not live together. No wonder. My mom yelled MOST of the time. i think she loved the sound of her voice. She was doing things daddy did not need know. Myself and my daughter posed a problem in her little private world.

I was doing good in school and wanted to get a degree in aerospace industry. (don't laugh) Im in nursing now. But I always admired the fellows at NASA and really wanted to be part of the space program.

Let me sum up. My mom and I lived togehter she hated me loved my daughter.

My eyes got a bad and I went to the eye doctor. ( met hubby).
He ( hubby) was not ready to have a girlfriend at the time. I did not date at the time however for some unknown reason I e-mailed him to ask a question. We ended up going on a date.

He wanted only sex he told me if we had sex it was just sex. Im like ok ,thinking he does not mean this.

Anyway our first year he hated me and told me to not call him EVER again after a while.He was not nice the first year.Very horrible, he is opposite of that now.

Things happened I moved out of my mothers house. (don't have time to explain the custody stuff nor do I want to)

I lived alone . I saw an ad in the paper one day about skydiving and remembered on our first date he mentioned it. I called him and he agreed to go to Spaceland and do a tandem with me( after I coaxed him and had to keep reminding him). He was only civil and that is all during this time.

I liked it he did not basically.He still does not listen when I get excited about my new canopy or my new container( G3) ( Triathlon) He strated to date me again but I knew it was not real. I was right he had a 19 or 18 year old chic he was seeing too.
He was so cold and mean. Telling how pretty this girl was ( his best friends girl)

I left his apartment one day and said this is it, OVER. I drove to the drop zone 6 months later I got my A-license. I was REALLY happy.
I met this dude we had been students together and I liked him alot . I needed to e-mail him one night. I did not have a computer seeing I was living at the DZ. ( I worked full time, yet somehow I was living at the DZ, jumps. Anyway I called my him back t(he one I said I would never see again.) (hubby) I really only wanted the computer..I really liked this skydiver dude at the time.

I was welcomed over at my now husbands apartment.

He said I had changed and he liked the way I looked yada yada yada..........3 weeks later I had a key to his apartment.
a year later we were marreid.

I do not think he is proud of me. I try to please him when I can. I think as far as husbands go hes awesome. We always say we will always be togehter.
Deep down I do not let myself think anything so wonderful can be forever. Never know , never say never.

I am affraid to tell my husband things yes. I do not tell him things that may upset him. if I get a bad grade on a test I always say I got an A. I usally get a B. I got a C a couple of times and there was no way I would tell him. Anyway There is more to everything I have said but that would be a whole book.

[DJL 235]

Dye it purple just to let him know who's in charge.

And watch some Oprah-esque self empowerment stuff.

Edit: And you look smokin' as a brunette.

"I encourage all awesome dangerous behavior." - Jeffro Fincher

[freebird 0]

I should just say who the skdiver is right.

[misskriss 0]

You say you are afraid to tell him things..that he isn't proud of you...etc... You were afraid to tell him that you spent money fixing the vacuum way back when. I understand that you love him b ut do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are afraid of being yourself with?

[Iflyme 0]

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If were not for hubby I would not done blonde in the first place

Would hubby change his hair colour for you if you asked???

[freebird 0]

It is me not him. Its me. I was taught this and Im trying to change.

I think all of us are only on this planet a shot time. We have a gift which is life and intelligence and the ability to love. We should follow our heart and this in turn can ,one by one ,make peace.

[freebird 0]

Would hubby change his hair colour for you if you asked??? ***
nope.

[meatmissile 0]

Good Luck .

--
ZZZzzzz....

[Push 0]

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It is me not him. Its me. I was taught this and Im trying to change.

I told that to one SO. Violent (not literally) breakup ensues. I told that to another SO. Breakup ensues. Now I'm not telling that to anyone, and I'm happy. Under what circumstances would he be wrong and you right? Are there any such circumstances? If yes, my nose is in the wrong place for it. If no, maybe that's not a good thing.

-- Toggle Whippin' Yahoo
Skydiving is easy. All you have to do is relax while plummetting at 120 mph from 10,000' with nothing but some nylon and webbing to save you.

[FallnAngel 0]

It's ok for your hubby to be disappointed in you on some things, Freebird....like getting a B instead of an A on an exam, or changing your haircolor to one they don't prefer. In a close relationship, you don't always have to like everything the other person does and that's ok!

I've been married for 18 years, coming up quickly on 19. I've disappointed Steve more than a few times, but he never stopped loving me...and same here - he's let me down as well. If you give the other person a chance, they usually will rise to the occasion!

Hope things work out for you,
Karen

[Iflyme 0]

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I've been married for 18 years, coming up quickly on 19.

Hey! Me, too ... well next October we'll celebrate our 19th... ain't it great!!!

[TequilaGirl 0]

Hey Freebird - the way you talk about your husband reminds me of people usually talk about their father.....

[freebird 0]

He is almost just like my dad, accept my dad would never cook dinner every night. My husband likes to cook. Its his hobby.