Wednesday Funnies

[Muenkel 0]

THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just
so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Chris

_________________________________________
Chris

[happythoughts 0]

All righty... with all of todays headlines, camoflage is gaining acceptance as a personal skill to be honed.

Let's play... "Where Is She Hiding?" The newest game sweeping the MidEast...

[slim 0]

Men's Speech Patterns

1. "I can't find it"
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely
clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you Marry me?"
MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and
there's no peanut butter left.

4. "It's a guy thing . "
MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have
no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the
first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing
a bikini thong.

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: she refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake
it well enough, so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of
toilet paper.

24. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without anyone's help.

<<<>>>
A good friend will bail you outta jail... A true friend will be sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!!!'

[slim 0]

THE CURE FOR A BAD DAY!

Hmmm, what to do for a bad day....

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on
my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"

It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced
caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the
asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice,
"Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just
calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID
program?"

"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

(Keep reading this, it gets better!)


An old lady at the shopping center really took her time pulling out of a
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great," I thought,
"she's finally leaving."

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the
wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started
yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, "This guy's
another asshole; there sure are a lot of assholes in this world."

Then, I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the phone number. Then, I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!" (It's really
easy since I have his number on speed dial now.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk
and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings, someone
answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure..."

"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.

Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a
while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a
problem I had two assholes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them,
it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with this solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial asshole #1.

A man answered nicely, "Hello?"

I yelled, "You're an asshole!" but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me asshole."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

So I told him, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out
front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole."

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole." And I hung
up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my
way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down on West 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing. Glorious satisfaction! Watching two assholes kicking the
crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a
news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day???

<<<>>>
A good friend will bail you outta jail... A true friend will be sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!!!'

[slim 0]

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This
actually
> happened at Harvard University in October last year.
>
> In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels
> found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,"If I
> understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar,
in
> semen?""That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add
> statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why
doesn't it
> taste sweet?"
>
> After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The
poor
> girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what
she had
> inadvertently said (or rather implied),
> she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class,
never to
> return.
>
> However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was
classic.
> Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste
sweet
> because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue
and not
> the back of your throat. Have a good day."

<<<>>>
A good friend will bail you outta jail... A true friend will be sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!!!'