Friday funnies

[SpeedRacer 1]

Male Sex Test
Gentlemen Please Take the Following TEST
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times,
check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times,
check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times,
"YOU DA MAN!"
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

A West Virginia joke:
Two West Virginians, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going
anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get
ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math,
history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own
a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied
the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you
have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, 'AMAZIN?!!!!!!
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume the you
are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing
I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
Into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what
classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[Slappie 9]

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second black hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull
dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
My New Website with 24hr Chat

[SpeedRacer 1]

People were telling redneck jokes so I thought I'd bump this one back up.

Speed Racer
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