Michele 1 #1 March 5, 2003 I've been thinking a lot recently about my life. Am I where I want to be? How can I get there? And on and on, to the point where it's almost redundant, and my self has gotten lost in the thinking...and then yesterday happens. And I am forced to actively re-assess, immediately re-evaluate myself, and my perspective on myself. An unexpected generosity, a gift, is sent to me at my office. While it is not wholly unexpected, it is utterly surprising and makes tears well up in my eyes. A few words on a piece of paper, and my life is suddenly changed. I walk through my day, handling business and working hard, and in those quiet seconds between ringing phones and buzzing faxes, I return to the startling moment. And I am in a bit of a dither, almost confused. It's not the gift itself which has sent me spinning, I finally figure out, it's the concept, the very idea that someone sat down and thought about me. Thought about me enough to send a gift to me. I get home to a cold and dark home, and grab the phone. I call a dear friend - not the one who has graced me this day, but someone who I am decidedly close with and who understands me quite well. I tell him that I cannot accept this gift, I simply cannot. I don't know the giftor, I don't deserve it, and while the thought is amazing and the gesture beyond words, I cannot let this incredible thing stay with me. My friend's response is "why not?" I stammer and blither, unable to articulate anything of substance and demonstrating just how ineloquent I am. "Why not?" he persists. "How come you can't accept it? Strings attached? Obligations? Why not?" "No," I answer, "no strings, no obligations, nothing along those lines. It's a gift from a friend, nothing else," And while I am searching for the words to articulate my undeservedness, while I am searching for the right phrase to explain to this friend that I am not special, that other people get this kind of thing and not me, never happened before so why is it happening now, how inappropriate it would be for me to keep this, he breaks into my muttering. "Michele, you accept all the shit that the universe gives you. You accept all the insults, the slams, the heartaches, the abuse. You accept all the crap thrown your way. Why can't you accept the good stuff, too?" And he's right. And so I've been thinking. Re-assessing. I do accept all the crap. I hold onto it like it has value to me. And in a way it does - it confirms my opinion of myself, this universe shit-shoveling. I mean, I am a mass of insecurities, and whenever someone says something cruel or unkind, for some inane reason I hold their opinion higher than those who have complimentary opinions. They have to be correct, don't they? After all, it confirms my opinion of myself...I look for the flaws in myself, and see them as the only thing about me which is apparent to the world. And yet, when the world shows me the kinder side, the generous side, the gracious side, I turn my face from it, and hide away. When the universe sends some goodness my way, I can't see it for what it is - I search for the trap, for the chink in the wall. "It's a trojan horse", I think. I look for the downside, instead of enjoying the upside. I look for the rain in the rainbow, instead of seeing the sun and the colors, and imagining the pot of gold is within my reach. I have long known that night turns into day, that there is balance and cycles in the world. I have not known that in a concrete way. Rarely have I sat in the sun, and just enjoyed it's gentle warmth on my face; instead, I fret about the dark night ahead of me, knowing this sunshine is temporary, that night will claim the world, and we shall be thrust into dark again. And sit in the false sunlight of electricity in the cold empty night, not remembering that the dawn will come, too...there will be sunlight again, there will be warmth. I have not looked for the dawn, because, in my world, the dawn means nothing more than dark will be coming again...and this expectation and anticipation of dark erodes my joy in the sun. There has been little acknowledgment of the natural balance, the cycle, which comes in all ways, with all things, at all times. It is only the night I see. Until I received this gift in the mail. And I wonder now, if I anticipate the dawn with the same ferocity that I anticipate the night, will it last as long as the darkness? Can this be a fundamental shift in my perceptions? Will this be the seed of understanding the balance, and finding the light when I need it most? Someone's kindness, simple and exquisite idea-thought-action, may just have changed my world. And while I don't know this man, I see his heart, and bask in it's warmth and sunlight...for in me he finds value, and, following his lead, I find the seedling of value-ing myself. Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
blewaway5 0 #2 March 5, 2003 You know, Michele, it's always the people I don't know who amaze me the most. I don't think I could put it quite so eloquently as you have here, but they can awaken so many good things in a me. They can restore faith in humanity, and when they see something good in you it's like a sunrise. Hold on to it, accept it, and more than anything else, learn to look in the mirror and see it. That's the tough part, but it's the best service we can do to the people who point it out. That probably makes no sense, but it's my thoughts and ramblings. Truman Sparks for President Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kris 0 #3 March 5, 2003 Michele, I know of no one more deserving of a slice of happiness. It is harder to take the good compliment because of how some aspects of society just "are". But that doesn't mean that they are always false when offered. Thank you for bringing a smile to my face by letting all of us vicariously share your wonderful day. KrisSky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RevJim 0 #4 March 5, 2003 A door cracks open, allowing in a sliver of light. One small, squinting, tiny eye peers out, surveying a whole new world. Welcome to the outside Michele. I think you're going to like it here.It's your life, live it! Karma RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
misskriss 0 #5 March 5, 2003 Thanks Michele.....you have no idea how much I needed to hear that story...You are incredible.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QTPi 0 #6 March 5, 2003 Wow Michele, that was amazing. Remember that movie "Pay It Forward"? Now it's your turn. I think you've just done it here. Thanks! -- A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions. -Oliver Wendel Holmes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #7 March 5, 2003 Was going to PM you with this, but thought I'd post it here. You are a very valuable person. I have not known you long nor had the pleasure of meeting you in person (yet), but what I have gotten to know about you is that you are a very warm, sweet, and caring person. Someone who lifts people's spirits and gives others the gift of yourself - who you are...your words. Someone who is made happy by the little things in life - a phone call, PM, a gift, a visit. People see the value in you, and it's great to see that you are starting to see the value in you. Cherish all - the day and the night - for it is the journey through life, the people you meet, the experiences you have that make life so very valuable and enrich who you are as a person. And, I (as well as many others) are glad to have you in this world. Many, many hugs, my friend! Cora Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sarge 0 #8 March 5, 2003 Self-image can be a most curious phenomenon, especially when it contradicts what others see > darnitt!! I tried to make that 'clicky!'<-- I'm done with the personally meaningful and philosophical sigs!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #9 March 5, 2003 Clicky Sarge, The only thing you left off was the closing "[ / url ] " and that would have made it clicky.Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,560 #10 March 5, 2003 Michele, you deserve every good thing that comes your way. Really. You are good, exactly the way you are. And the next time you're pissed at yourself, remember that the pissed-off-ness goes away just like the night does. It has no more permanence than the night. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sarge 0 #11 March 5, 2003 LOL!!! -- I'm done with the personally meaningful and philosophical sigs!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #12 March 5, 2003 Is anyone else wondering what the hell the gift was?Chris _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jumpergirl 0 #13 March 5, 2003 Wow, Michelle. That was written so wonderfully. You've put a bright spot in my life today. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hooked 0 #14 March 5, 2003 Quote Is anyone else wondering what the hell the gift was?Chris Me, but I'm too polite to ask. I'm just glad it had such a positive effect for Michele. She deserves all the good things that life has to offer. J -------------------------------------- Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #15 March 5, 2003 Well, I did show up on her door step dressed only in a cowboy hat and boots... j/k I'm curious too, but wouldn't outright ask. --"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #16 March 5, 2003 Quote Me, but I'm too polite to ask I'm not asking what it was, I'm just asking if anyone else was wondering what it was. I thought maybe I missed a paragraph. Even Stephen King ties up all the loose ends.Chris _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Michele 1 #17 March 5, 2003 As to what the gift was, that's not important...although it was welcomed and is perfect. The point, to me, was that someone took the time to think about me, and send something from his heart. The gift was the giving, I guess, and the greater gift was the unanticipated result of looking and seeing things about myself and how I am - both to myself and to others. That was the gift...as for divulging the actual gift, it's not necessary -I know, you all are curious, it's kewl, and I am not telling!. And Aggie, you showing up at my door unexpectedly would earn you a hug and a beer, but that's the limit....Thanks for the notes, guys...like Rev said, the door cracks, a tiny eye peers out...like a timid and shy child, I am venturing onto the porch, into the sun...I'm learning. Boy, how I'm learning. Hugs to all! Ciels- Michele ~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek While our hearts lie bleeding?~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Muenkel 0 #18 March 5, 2003 Bitch.j/k, you know I love ya Michele. I am truly happy for your experience and I want you to start seeing yourself as the incredibly awesome person you are. You're kewlio!Chris _________________________________________ Chris Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jessd 0 #19 March 5, 2003 Quote The gift was the giving This is how I feel about gifts. It just makes me feel really good about myself knowing that someone was thinking about me enough to send or write something. I love sending my friends who have moved away small, little gifts and letters sometimes from time to time. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #20 March 5, 2003 Quote And Aggie, you showing up at my door unexpectedly would earn you a hug and a beer, but that's the limit.... Sounds great to me!--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
steve1 5 #21 March 5, 2003 I really enjoyed your story. It's surprising how many people out there are feeling the same stuff inside, but never talk about it. Your story reminded me somewhat of another one that I heard a college counseling class. Our professor was also a clinical Psychologist. Actually this story is hundreds of years old, but is still just as accurate today. It deals with dysfunction in a family. Anyway, once there was a group of people who lived in a deep dark cave. These people were chained to a wall and life was cold and dark and terrible. Life went on endlessly for them untill they finally died. Once in a while they would get a fleeting glance at the outside light and the world outside, but all they really knew was the darkness inside the cave. One day, with a great deal of courage, one of the people broke his chains and went outside the cave into the light. But he wasn't used to the brightness of the light, and it hurt like hell. After a while his eyes began to adjust to the light and he saw the world anew. In the valley below him was a beautiful village with happy people doing good things for each other. He could hear laughter and see smiling people. The fields were green and the Mountains were beautiful. A while later he returned to the inside of his cave and told his friends of the wonderful world outside. He told them to break their chains and escape with him to the outside. But instead they chose to remain chained to the wall and tried to get him to stay with them chained to the same wall. He said no, that he could no longer do that, and left never to return again. This story fits my family to a tee, and it pretty much tells what many people go through to recover from the effects of a troubled childhood. Many things that happened way back when still haunt me today, and it's hard to look into the light and see the good things around me, or to even let those good things into my world. But I'm learning and there's no way I'm going back into the cave. Steve1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snowbird 0 #22 March 5, 2003 Michele ((((HUGS)))) It is a huge thing to choose your direction instead of drifting with old (outdated/incorrect) perceptions. Re-write your personal script! It may be the hardest piece of writing you ever do, but I know you're up to it.Thanks for sharing. I think that many of us are prying open that door, and it's good to know that we're all in the battle together. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RevJim 0 #23 March 6, 2003 Quote Quote And Aggie, you showing up at my door unexpectedly would earn you a hug and a beer, but that's the limit.... Sounds great to me! Sheez, them Texicans will do anything for a beer. It's your life, live it! Karma RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Iflyme 0 #24 March 6, 2003 Michele -- you deserve good things. You give and give ... now it's time to get a bit back. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
12bhi 0 #25 March 6, 2003 Michele, You should really start writing books.I think you could lend the world some valuable input..My interpretation of what you just wrote pretty much defines the core of human suffering,and I think alot of us can relate very closely to that.... Inspiring Post Michele Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
