How do I know?

[Michele 1]

Some of you may recall back two months or so that I had Bitch Kitty at the vet's and that she had surgery. At 16, it was dicey with her being operated on. The vet removed several teeth, and scraped her jaw, dealing with the abcess there. Several weeks went by when I gave her oral antibiotics, and she started to respond. She was back to her bitchy self, feisty and cantankerous and cuddly.

Last week, her jaw swelled up and she lost her balance several times. Knowing I was going to get Esse-cat fixed today, I made an appointment for BK, as well. Esse went in, and is fine...and BK went in, and is about as far from fine as a cat can be.

The tumor has spread, and has lodged not just in her jaw, but is now in her sinus, her middle ear, and behind her right eye. She's lost nearly 2 lbs (which, when your starting weight is 9.9 lbs, is a significant amount).

The doctor has gently suggested that I consider putting her down. She is not in great pain yet, but it seems to be a fast spreading cancer, and she's too old for treatment. And treatment would make her life miserable. He is willing to try, but he cautioned me that if it worked, it wouldn't extend her life too long anyway - she is old as it is. Operations at her age are not very good, and he could only remove the jaw...which would allow her to live, but her quality of life would be very very bad.

But she's my girl. My littlest girl. My little black fuzzy feisty ball of demanding love, purring in my ear all night. She is my touchstone. She has been more faithful to me than any friend or mate I've ever had, more honest in her affections, more true. She's been with me for 16 years. I remember her as a kitten - curled in the palm of my hand, fast asleep. Trusting, content. She greets me at the door, and loves me up. She snuggles with me, pawing her way under the blanket, warm ball of purring fur nestled against my side.

How do I make this decision? How can I let her go, move on, when I'm not ready to do it yet? She is not in great pain, but how do I know when she is? How do I do this right, so that she and I have a small measure of time together, and then let her be free from her aged body. How do I know when it's time? How do I know??? How do I know that it's just me being selfish, and not wanting to let her pass away, that it really is her time, that it really is now, and that it's better for her to die gracefully and with dignity and pride intact?

How do I know? Is it gauged on how many hugs I can squeeze into these last few days, how many special treats and morsels of food she can eat? Is it judged on how many more nights she will curl up with me, or how many more mornings I will wake to find her purring in my ear? How do I know when it's time to let her be free, irrespective of how much it hurts me in my soul? How do I make sure I am not cheating her of a few days' life, but not causing her more pain and suffering? Is it based on how many tears I shed? Is it determined by how many hours she curls in my lap when I'm at the computer?

How do I know? My God, how do I know?

[ladyskydiver 0]

I'm so very, very sorry to see this, Michele! I wish there was something I could do to help. If you want to talk, feel free to call me tonight. I'll be home.

Many, many hugs,
Cora

[skymama 37]

I guess you have to ask yourself if you are keeping her alive more for you, or for her. Is her quality of life still good, or are you keeping her around because it's too heartbreaking to think of what you need to do? I know it's a really hard decision. I had to put my Siamese to sleep because he was suffering from congestive heart failure. It was the same scenario as BK; he was old, there wasn't much they could do for him anymore and it was just going to get worse. I guess we finally made the decision when it pained us to look at him suffering so much and we felt sorry for him all the time. I couldn't take him to the vet though, I made my ex do it. I hope you have someone who can be there with you when you make the decision. Hugs.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[hooked 0]

This will not be easy for you and I think the comments already made are good ones. You will know when the time is right and when you are okay with your decision. It won't be too long before I will have to make the same decision for my dog. He is getting old, has had a cancerous tumor removed on his leg and we don't know if it has spread. He is showing signs that he isn't doing too well. My heart goes out to you, Michele.

J

--------------------------------------
Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[wmw999 2,583]

You know what the answer is; good thing she isn't in pain right now, so that you have some time to learn it. Really. This is awfully hard; I've been very lucky with my pets, because the time's coming has always been quick and clear.

It would be an easy thing if she were if clear distress, right? So love her and cuddle her, hold her close, and do the right thing when it's time.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[mujie96 0]

Michele honey, I'm so sorry. I lost an 8 month old kitten, a little sweetie who took up permenant residence in my lap or on my chest in the 6 months I had him, two Christmases ago, after a 4 month fight with FIP. Love her while you have her and know that you are doing your best to make her as comfortable as possible. Know that sometimes loving a pet also means knowing when to let go, and listen to what your heart tells you to do. Trust that your love for your cat will allow you to sense when she's had enough, that's how I knew.
And know that there are tons of people who love you and are here for you if you need anything.

Jess

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

[jceman 1]

Michele, our hearts go out to you.

As others have said, you will know. Enjoy her now, pamper her, love her, pet her, spoil her.

One day you will see that she's not enjoying herself; she'll look at you with less light in her eyes, almost like she's waiting. That will be her way of saying it's time; say goodbye and let the vet ease her pain. It won't ease your pain, but you will know that you did right by her, that will ease your pain.

Faster horses, younger women, older whiskey, more money.

Why do they call it "Tourist Season" if we can't shoot them?

[Push 0]

Remember, having a pet means being responsible for them. The greatest responsibility, and the hardest to accept, is when to let them go. Make her final days comfortable. Enjoy her company. But when she begins to suffer without hope of recovery, it's time to let her go. Anyone who has ever owned a pet knows how difficult this is, but it is a part of the responsibility you accepted when you took her in. It is your last, and perhaps greatest, duty to that animal.

We are Gods to our pets. This is the moment when we find out what kind of a God we make of ourselves.

Remember her, but when she's gone there are a lot of little kittens in your nearest animal shelter that are very hopeful that you will take them in.

-- Toggle Whippin' Yahoo
Skydiving is easy. All you have to do is relax while plummetting at 120 mph from 10,000' with nothing but some nylon and webbing to save you.

[Muenkel 0]

Michele,

Trust me, what everyone else said about "you will know" is true.

My family had to make almost that decision in regard to my uncle this past May. I told you his story before so I won't give all the details. Anyway, after his heart attack, the doctors were keeping his heart rate up thru meds. However, there was a catch: The meds would do one of two things; strengthen his heart and give him more time or destroy his other vital organs. He could only be on the meds for so many days. A few days later, the doc told us we were at the end of the line. The meds were not working and they had to take him off them, because continuing them was just going to kill him. The hardest part was the fact that he was completely lucid and himself. He was laughing, smiling and truly believed he beat the heart attack. The doc talked to us and told us that whenever we said the word, they would begin to ween him off the meds, make him comfortable with morphine and he would just go to sleep. This decision seemed impossible. Well about 12 hours before he passed away, he fell into a deep sleep and we could see he was suffering as his lungs were filling with fluid. He was basically drowning to death. That's when the decision was made. As they weened him off the meds, they made him comfortable. He was totally at peace. He drifted into a coma and quietly died.

Michele, the thing was, we knew it was time. We had the few days to accept it. We knew the alternative was a gruesome death for him. Their were many tears, but no regrets. I know to this day, he had a very peaceful death and that I stayed with him through it all. We knew when it was time.

I am praying for you, my friend.
Chris

[Keith 0]

Michele:

I'm sorry to hear about your little one. Something tells me you already know the answer to your question. I know it's a tough decision.

Keith

Don't Fuck with me Keith - J. Mandeville

[wingnut 0]

michele,

i sorta know what your thinking.... my parents had to deal with this about 2 weeks ago when they had my first dog put down after she most likely had a stroke in the night..... my advice..... when she can't function and seems to be in pain you;ll know when it's the right time.......


p.s. if need a jumpr for an ash dive let me know...i'd be there in a heart beat.....

______________________________________
"i have no reader's digest version"

[billvon 3,107]

>How do I make this decision?

You'll know. We've had to put down several pets, and when the time comes, you'll know.

>How do I make sure I am not cheating her of a few days' life?

Animals don't seem to hang on to life as tenaciously as we do. Even in the wild, most animals seem to know when it's time to walk off and die. It sounds like she's had a good life, a better (and longer) life than most cats. You won't be cheating her out of anything.

[f1freak 0]

Ouch, what a desicion to make....
I know, all i can say is go with your gut.....
Sorry Michele....

HAVE FUN...
...JUST DONT DIE

[freefallfreak 0]

Treat me kindly,
my beloved master,
for no heart in all the world
is more grateful for kindness
than the loving heart of me.

Do not break my spirit
with a stick,
for though I should lick
your hand between the blows,
your patience and understanding
will more quickly teach me
the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often,
for your voice
is the world's sweetest music,
as you must know
by the fierce wagging of my tail
when your footstep falls
upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet,
please take me inside,
for I am now a domesticated animal,
no longer used to bitter elements.
And I ask no greater glory
than the privilege of sitting
at your feet beside the hearth.

Though had you no home,
I would rather follow you
through ice and snow
than rest upon the softest pillow
in the warmest home in all the land,
for you are my God
and I am your devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water,
for although I should not
reproach you were it dry,
I cannot tell you
when I suffer thirst.
Feed me clean food,
that I may stay well,
to romp and play
and do your bidding,
to walk by your side
and stand ready, willing and able
to protect you with my life
should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master,
should the greater Master
see fit to deprive me
of my health or sight,
do not turn me away from you.
Rather hold me gently in your arms
as skilled hands
grant me, the merciful boon
of eternal rest
and I will leave you knowing
with the last breath I drew,
my fate,
was ever safest in your hands.

FFF

P.S. Of all the people I know - your's it the most tender heart of all...and for that - I love you.

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[n2skdvn 0]

well put FFF

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[Michele 1]

Jim, thank you. Oh my goodness, thank you.

And while I sit here, reading through all the responses, tears yet again tracking salt lanes down my cheeks, falling onto my beloved kitty's head, I thank all of you. For all the posts, for all the pm's, and the phone calls. For the support, the comfort, the sincerity, but mostly, for showing your hearts here. It's a huge comfort knowing you all are here.

It will be hard, letting her go when it's time. And it will be harder to ignore it, prolong her life for death will come to claim us all. It just hurts so badly. 16 years.

She's nagging me for dinner right now - sometimes, she doesn't seem ill. And sometimes, you can see it so plainly...I talked to the vet a while this afternoon when I picked up Esse, and he thinks it won't be tomorrow, but it also won't be 2 months.

Jim, can I give that to my vet? MissKris, I gave him the website "petloss" and the poem "Rainbow Bridge", and I think maybe it will help someone else who's in my shoes.

Thank you guys. Thank you so much, from the bottom of a bruised and aching heart tonight, thank you.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[phatcat 0]

I admit it FFF- that one always makes me want to cry.

When I was growing up we had quite a few pets and a few we had to put down. It's never easy. It's not supposed to be. I feel for you, Michele.

[suz 0]

Awwwww....you got me crying!!! What a dear old thing. Such a shame, isn't it?
I'm sorry Michele. I'm going to cuddle my Chloe as much as I can. Even if she does bite my ankles first thing in the morning.

Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after

[freefallfreak 0]

Michelle,

That was written by Beth Harris. I found it in the form of a greeting card, so I guess you can give it to anyone you want to...it just seemed so appropriate. And yes, I not only cried the first time I read it, I still cry everytime I read it.

FFF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[Michele 1]

Jim, thanks. It is powerful, to say the least. And perfectly what I needed to see and read. I will copy it, attribute it to Beth Harris, and send it over to Dr. B. I think he could use it as much as me.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[skybytch 273]

Quote

Awwwww....you got me crying!!!

Me too. I couldn't even post to this thread when I first saw it while at work today, it just hurts too much.

I'm looking at Molly, one of my dogs, right now; over the last couple of weeks she has developed a big scary looking bump on her back. It hasn't affected her much; she eats and plays and acts just the same, I could touch it and she didn't seem to mind, until this morning when for the first time I noticed that she's been chewing at it. I know that I have to take her to the vet to find out what it is. I'm so worried that it's something really bad...

Michele, I don't know what to say other than hang in there and I'm sending you a big hug. Give me a call if you need someone to cry with.

[Michele 1]

Quote

And, beloved master,
should the greater Master
see fit to deprive me
of my health or sight,
do not turn me away from you.
Rather hold me gently in your arms
as skilled hands
grant me, the merciful boon
of eternal rest
and I will leave you knowing
with the last breath I drew,
my fate,
was ever safest in your hands.

It's time.

As much as I don't want it to be, as much as I will miss her so very desperately...as much as I don't want it to be, it's time. God I hate saying this. It makes it so fucking real.

It's time.

Ciels-
Michele

[Gawain 0]

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

[wmw999 2,583]

Oh, Michele. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you've had these last couple of months, even if you knew they'd end. She'll be able to jump and play with strings again.

I wish there were a crying icon; a sad face just isn't enough

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Kris 0]

Michele, I am so sorry to hear about BK. Just know that you are doing right by her.

Remember her as she was.

*hug*

Kris

Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and
Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™