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crapflinger2000

need a joke

By crapflinger2000, in The Bonfire

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towerrat    0

towerrat
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. the bartender says "hey! you've got a steering wheel hanging out of your pants!" the pirate replies " aaaarrrgggg it's been drivin' me nut's all day......."
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes!



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DYEVOUT    0

DYEVOUT

I thought some of these were cool.

These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:

1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms." (this spelling looks familiar JT:D)

2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."

8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

9. "I was working for my Mom until she decided to move."

10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping,' I have never quit a job."

18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."

19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."

21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

2. A room temperature IQ.

3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8. He's so dense, light bends around him.

9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.


----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

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Gawain    0

Gawain

Here's a good one, a little long though...

A Jewish lawyer in a near state of panic runs to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, Rabbi, thank God I found you. I don't know what to do. My son just called me and told me he is converting to Christianity. I don't understand, I raised him in the faith, gave him a good upbringing, he went to Yale. He's married, has two kids. How could this happen Rabbi?!!?!!"

The Rabbi, in a soothing manner, "Funny you should come to me. Just two months ago, my son also called me and told me he is converting to Christianity too. I didn't understand either as I raised him in the faith, gave him a good upbringing, he went to Harvard. He's married too with three beautiful children. How could this happen me?!"

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer." replied the wise Rabbi.

The lawyer perked up, "What did God say Rabbi?"

The Rabbi responded, "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' ..."

:P

Told this joke to a Monsignor and Priest in the Catholic church as well as some kind of Rabbi or teacher (at a friends wedding of all places!)...they were in tears holding their stomachs! :P

So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh
Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright
'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life
Make light!

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crapflinger2000    1

crapflinger2000
I know this has morphed into a joke thread, but thankfully I was able to escape having to tell any kind of stupid joke. The meeting was worthwhile because I was able to identify that the one other dude I started with is a total dumbass. He insisted on telling a joke, and of couse he made it some French joke. A short perusal of the org chart revealed several French sounding last names. The silence he was greeted with over the conf call thingy was amazing.

__________________________________________________
What would Vic Mackey do?

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