JJohnson 0 #1 May 8, 2003 Well, now that I have been cigarette free for coming up on 3 weeks, I can say that my senses are quite heightened......I notice things now that I never did before....or at least more shit irritates the living hell out of me...... During my 1 hout 10 minute jaunt to work in the morning I have begun to notice certain kinds of people, some of which really should not be behind the wheel of a vehicle. I submit to you my humbel observations and encourage you to add to the list: 1) The Indiana Jones Driver. This is the person with that intensley focused look on their face. Teeth grinding together, sweat pouring over the upper lip and an absolute death grip on the steering wheel.....hands of course locked into the text book 10 and 2 o'clock position. Bottom line, every excursion into traffic is a fucking adventure for these people. They think going over 35 mph will peel the paint off their car from the wind force. Public transportation was invented for this class of sub-humans. 2) The I'm so God Damn important, my car is my second office people. You see them all the time. Suit and tie, yuppie pristine BMW or Mercedes. Cell phone plastered to the ear and obviously totally engrossed in selling whatever junk bond is popular that day. They normally have a laptop balanced on the passenger seat as well, followint the market. If you follow this person, invariably they will pull into Starbucks and go to the train station..all without ever getting off the cell phone....and continue their conversation (loudly) all they way to work. If this person is as wealthy as their suits and ego cars suggest, I think in the matter of public safety they should hire limos ot taxi cabs. 3) Barbie Doll..... You have all seen this chick. All five mirrors on the car (both side views, rear view and both sunvisor mirrors) are facing her. She even has custom lighting installed in the car to simulate whatever conditions that have at her work. She's got the mascara brush going a mile a minute, the lipstick painting away in the other hand...... I personally enjoy watching the paramedics at the scene of the accident..surgically pulling the brush out of her nose and lipstick out of her ear. On a good one, you can watch them remove the portable curling iron out of her ass.... 4) People over the age of 175....... These people would not be a problem if we mounted flashing beacons to their cars. We could all take preventive measures in advance......... 5) Mario Andretti the truck driver...... Here's the guy driving a truck the size of a football field and weaving in and out of traffic like he is delivering a donor heart to the operating table...C'mon dickhead, the construction sight is not going out of business cause your load of bricks s going be 15 minutes late. Pick a fucking lane and stay there so the rest of us can get around you. By the way, have lots of fun trying to stop that monster when the old lady pulls out in front of you. 6) Mr. I'm too cool to drive. Here we have the idiot in the pricless classic Cutlass or Vette or Porsche....and he is so cool he doesn't have to check mirrors or obey signals, image is everything...just stare straight ahead with those raybans on....don't blow the look dude, We are all supposed to predict where dickless is going.... I also love when these same fucknuts take these beautiful cars out in rush hour traffic during a snowstorm. No respect for the car.... And my personal favorite: 7) The enraged ex-smoker. You can spot this asswipe easily. He's the one turning eight shades of red, flipping off the priest while punching the roof of the car in frustration. Did I miss any??JJ "Call me Darth Balls" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #2 May 8, 2003 So you're the asswipe who blocked me from changing lanes and missing my exit by 6 miles Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #3 May 8, 2003 I'll tell ya, your penchant for writing some humorous observations is growing since you stopped smoking! Keep it up and take it on the road doing stand up. Funny sh*t!!!So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chivo 0 #4 May 8, 2003 Ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster than you is a crazy mutha f@#$er? This proves that you're always driving at the right speed! ~Chivo Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Katzeye 0 #5 May 8, 2003 Here in Hawaii we have a couple that piss me off to no end (along with those above): 1. The "I'm too stoned to know I'm in a car" They travel in up to 2 lanes at a time going a whoppin' 35 mph on the freeway. 2. "Drive with Aloha" These suckers cut right in front of you at any speed, then flip you off and proceed to slow down to #1 above. As you slam on your brakes to miss them, you can read their bumper sticker "Drive with Aloha." Of course, they probably stole the car from the hey-bra who actually does drive with Aloha. And of course there's me - the frustrated skydiver who will go into work at o'dark early so I can get my car up to 80 mph for a whole mile just to feel some speed. Is a chicken omelette redundant? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #6 May 8, 2003 Quote4) People over the age of 175....... These people would not be a problem if we mounted flashing beacons to their cars. We could all take preventive measures in advance......... Incidentally this happened near my neighborhood yesterday Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JJohnson 0 #7 May 8, 2003 I will also add: The Top Gun driver. This yo-yo is convinced he is Maverick and his 82 Ford Escort is frigging F-14. He is wearing the flight jacket, Rayban Aviators and even has that dashing scarf wrapped around his neck. (I'd like to tighten it a few notches) Look here Mav, you ain't scoring kills, the smoke from the afterburners is really the oil your engine is consuming.......SO GET OFF MY TAIL ASSHOLE BEFORE I HAVE YOUR BUTT FLYING A LOAD OF RUBBER DOGSHIT OUT OF CHINA!!!JJ "Call me Darth Balls" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DYEVOUT 0 #8 May 8, 2003 What about the feeble-minded dildos that start to pass a semi, and then apparently become hypnotized by those big, shiny 20" wheels - and proceed to match their speed to that of the rig, effectively sealing off the fast lane. These same retards NEVER look in their rear view mirror to see the several miles of traffic they are holding up. Excuse the "run-on" sentence, and yes, I'm a little bitter. ----------------=8^)---------------------- "I think that was the wrong tennis court." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #9 May 8, 2003 I think I'm the only driver in the world that pays attention to his rearview mirror...if I see someone coming up behind me faster then I am, I look for an opportunity to pull out of that lane to let them pass. I may not be the only one who does this, but by god I feel like it! Another is how oblivious people are to truckers (big rigs). I guess since I've spent many hours chatting with truckers on my CB on road trips, I've learned a lot about driving around them, etc. Some people are fucking worthless. --"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #10 May 8, 2003 apparently the concept of "slow traffic move right" has completely missed the Pacific Northwest.. anytime your being passed on the right side you really should get whacked with the clue stick..____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #11 May 8, 2003 Quote Ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anybody driving faster than you is a crazy mutha f@#$er? This proves that you're always driving at the right speed! Never noticed...I'm always passing people...Incidentally, there was a news report in California. People on I-15 and I-10 are apparently having trouble driving slower than 100MPH (I-15 southbound from LV and I-10 somewhere well east of LA towards AZ). Sh*t...I hit 100 on Rt 91 express lanes on my way to the DZ.So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robskydiv 0 #12 May 8, 2003 J Johnson, I enjoyed reading your post. Congrats on the non-smoking. Keep going. It's worth quitting. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Meathorse 0 #13 May 8, 2003 Quote I think I'm the only driver in the world that pays attention to his rearview mirror...if I see someone coming up behind me faster then I am, I look for an opportunity to pull out of that lane to let them pass. I may not be the only one who does this, but by god I feel like it! Thought I was the only one, too . I need some of that kick ass Spy Hunter oil slick stuff. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billvon 3,120 #14 May 8, 2003 Factoid of the day - 90% of drivers think they're better than average drivers. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #15 May 8, 2003 uh maybe you shoulda moved to the right lane as he was approaching before his license plate vanished under your trunk ____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billvon 3,120 #16 May 8, 2003 >Actually I'm just trying to avoid being tailgated, though. Not possible in some places. Either they're on your tail or they drop back a bit, in which case someone else cuts in front of them. It works from the other point of view too. I've stuck within a carlength of the car ahead of me pretty often solely because if I don't someone will cut in front of me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AggieDave 6 #17 May 8, 2003 You know, I don't mind if cars are that close to me (if I'm unable to move out of their way) because my hitch is right about at their chest level when sitting in a car. I'll let them decide if it'll reach them or not if I have to hit my brakes.--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TequilaGirl 0 #18 May 8, 2003 I am better than the average driver - and if the other drivers would just stay out of my way we wouldn't have anymore problems...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skybytch 273 #19 May 8, 2003 Quote anytime your being passed on the right side you really should get whacked with the clue stick.. One of these days I'm gonna get a bumper sticker made - "If I just passed you on the right, YOU'RE WRONG!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jerry81 10 #20 May 8, 2003 Here's some you missed; -impatient overpotent rich fucks; driving an enormous german monster or a jacked-up city car, they usually catch up with you just as you're passing a big truck, slow down from whatever insane speed they were travelliing at at the last possible moment and then drive behind you at a maximum distance of 10 feet, flashing their headlights. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice you're about to rear-end me. Here, I'll just jump onto the green belt so you don't lose valuable milliseconds." -Italians; can be confused with the above-mentioned fucks, since they, too, flash their headlights frantically before they pass you. This, however, has little to do with them wanting to get to their destinations a bit earlier and everything to do with the fact that in Italy, flashing your headlights while still half a mile away is the only way you can hope the driver in front noticed you, since they otherwise don't look in rear-view mirrors. Ever. -the shit-I'm-gonna-be-late-for-the-load skydiver; passes you by before you even know what's going on. A few moments later, you realize that, according to laws of physics, a car like his can not go that fast and a few moments after that, you think you imagined the whole thing, since the car is already out of your sight. If you happen to be riding with such a person, you'll notice a little warning light flashing the message: 'Are you insane?' on his dashboard. Nevertheless, you'll probably catch the plane and be thankful that the most dangerous part of the day is behind you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sunshine 2 #21 May 8, 2003 Very funny Jeff. This is why i drive in the bonus lane as much as possible. ___________________________________________ meow I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #22 May 8, 2003 Quote Very funny Jeff. This is why i drive in the bonus lane as much as possible. You mean you scream down the break-down lane? So I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #23 May 8, 2003 "Q-Tips" That big blue car with 4 white, fluffy heads peering above the dash. It looks like your are following a box of q-tips. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2fat2fly 0 #24 May 8, 2003 Quoteif I see someone coming up behind me faster then I am, I look for an opportunity to pull out of that lane to let them pass. I live in the mountains and I go by the 3 mile 5 minute rule. If you're behind me for 3 miles or five minutes, I'm looking for a place to pull over and let you by. I couldn't tell you how many people have followed me at 60 then slowed to 50 when I let them get in front of me.I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,589 #25 May 8, 2003 QuoteThat big blue car with 4 white, fluffy heads Bwahahaha! Thanks for the drivers post. Don't forget the folks who don't understand that turn signals are to let others know what you're going to do, and not what you've just begun. Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
