Letter to the bank...

[Ducky 0]

Ya probably seen it before, but still funny to me....




This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United
States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to
have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival
in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer,
of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account in the
amount of $50. by way of penalty for the inconvenience I
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No
more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003,
taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct
of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will
be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be
advised of the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I
am confronted by the impersonal, ever changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at
your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that
it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an "Application Contact Status" which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details
of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing
you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is
very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank,
the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may
call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice service:

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options
1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of
my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.

This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody
Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble,
With a guard at every door,
And the vaults are filled with silver,
that the miners swatted for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
your bank often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick
to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back.

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send
me ths I will read for a fee of $20 per page.

Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5
per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account as, for example, in the matter of
the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back
to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be
well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous,
day?

Your Humble Client,
I.M. Pistoff



kwak

Sometimes your the bug, sometimes your the windshield. Sometimes your the hammer sometimes your the nail. Question is Hun, Do you wanna get hammered or do you wanna get nailed?????

[beemertec 0]

I like it. Think I'll send one to my bank.

Blue Skies
Steve
Ok, so it's pink, but I'm secure in my manhood, and I still look cool coming in under it!