ladyskydiver 0 #1 May 19, 2003 One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied."What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... _______________________ A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" the woman says, "I'll miss you." _______________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. _______________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. _______________________ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror. _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #2 May 19, 2003 MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. LAYING A CARPET Laying a carpet is . . . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay. HANGING WALLPAPER Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork. PUTTING UP A TENT Putting up a tent, is . . . very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag. WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. BEING IN THERAPY And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money. BEING IN A CRASH Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible. GOING FISHING Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or grunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diablopilot 2 #3 May 19, 2003 Funny! This isn't a joke but I thought it was worth a snicker.... Quote If you lived as a child of the 50's, 60's, 70's and even early 80's it is amazing that you have lived to tell about it, based on what we believe now in this country. Children of today will read this and wonder what kind of society we grew up in*and most will be insanely jealous. *We would ride in the back of pick-up trucks on warm summer nights *We rode bikes without wearing helmets *We drank water from the garden hose, not from a bottle or a purifier *We built go carts from scratch, only to realize when we got to the top of a hill that we forgot the brakes. *We jumped our bikes and skateboards off of ramps*and fell. *We had "rock wars" *We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one could reach us*no cell phones. *We played dodgeball*and sometimes the ball would hurt. *We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. *We would light off fireworks in our yard, not watch them with 10,000 people in a park. *We walked to school. Alone. *We would ride our bikes to the corner school. A mile or two away, just to get ice cream *We ate dirt *Girls made fun of boys and boys made fun of girls, and it was ok. *We got spanked *We would cry, and our parents would respond by saying "I'll give you something to cry about*" and we knew how much they loved us. *We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it *We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda, but we were seldom overweight because we were always outside playing *We shared one soda with four friends from the same bottle and lived to tell about it. *We had no playstations, X boxes, 99 cable channels, Movies on tape, surround sound, personal cellular phones, pagers, personal computers, or internet chat rooms*we had friends next door. *We ate dinner as a family. *No phone calls or TV we permitted during dinner. *No one left the table until everyone was done eating. *We ate worms *We played tackle football *People pitched the baseball to us, rather than having us hit off a tee *We had Little League tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. *Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat. *Tests were not adjusted to accommodate certain people from certain backgrounds *We made fun of short kids, fat kids and weird kids*and they were told they had to learn to deal with it, because it was an unfortunate fact of life. *Our actions were our own - Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of*they actually sided with the law. *We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to. ---------------------------------------------- You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #4 May 19, 2003 Those are great. So, based on what you've said...I want a man who can MAKE COFFEE Quote MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk. And knows how to WASH A CAR. Quote WASHING A CAR Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge. Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #5 May 19, 2003 I like them, JP. Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #6 May 19, 2003 A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" > > As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one wike that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" > She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit." Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BoobieCootie 0 #7 May 19, 2003 You've been teaching your niece some bad bad things lately haven't you? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FliegendeWolf 0 #8 May 20, 2003 In the words of Billy Joel, "The good old days weren't all that good; tomorrow's not as bad as it seems."A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
