You Can't Win with Me

[Eiley 0]

I'm not usually one for sappy poems, but this one describes how I feel so precisely I need to share it. I didn't feel right inflicting it on my email list, so I thought I'd post it here, where people can read it or ignore it as they wish.

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You Can't Win With Me
---------------------------------------------

by Jane Warland 1996


If you say to me,"How are you doing?"
with such sympathy and meaning in your voice
I reply,"I'm fine," and brush you off,
because to talk about my loss with you
is just too painful.

If you see me
and don't mention
the loss that is consuming my thoughts,
I think you don't care enough,
or are too scared to mention it
for fear that you might upset me.

You can't win with me.

If you say,"I'm sorry the love of your life died,"
it is hard for me to reply to that.

What do you expect me to say?

I want to say,"I'm sorry too!"
or "It's Awful!"
I want to scream,"It's not fair!!"
But I won't
because I don't want to upset myself today,
not in front of you.
So I reply, "Thank you."

That thanks means so much more than that.
It means thanks for caring,
thanks for trying to help,
thanks for realizing that I'm still in pain.

If you don't know what to say to me
that's okay
because I don't know what to say
to you either.
If you see me smile or laugh
don't assume I must have
forgotten him for the moment,
I haven't,
I can't,
I never will.

Tell me that I look good today.
I will know what you mean.
I'm getting good at picking up
unspoken cues from you.
If you see me and think I look upset or sad,
you are probably right.
Today might be an anniversary day for me,
or some event might have triggered
a wave of grief in me.

If you don't say anything
I'll think you don't care about me,
but if you do say something,
it might make me feel worse.

You could try asking if I want to talk,
but don't be surprised if I say no.

You can't win with me.

Don't give up on me,
please don't give up.
I need your attempts however feeble,
however trite you might feel they are.
I need your thoughts.
I need your prayers.
I need your love.
I need your persistence.

I need all that
but most of all
I need to be treated normally,
like it used to be
before all of this happened.

But I know it's impossible.

That carefree, naive person
is gone forever,
and I am mourning that loss too.

So you can't win with me.

======================

Eiley
Missing Paul Nov 8 1975 - Nov 22 2002

nothing to see here

[Vallerina 2]

I can't imagine how much you miss Paul, but I know all Hinckley jumpers (including myself) keep you and Paul in their thoughts and prayers.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[Eiley 0]

Thanks Val.

nothing to see here

[EricaH 0]

I never know what to say to you, but I do care & I hope you know I & everyone else cares. You and Paul are forever in the spirit of Hinckley life. Many things bring back memories of both of you; one instance is every time I pack I think of him. I only hope that my hormones aren't out of wack that day... otherwise I end up fighting tears while trying to flake/cocoon/fold my canopy & shove it into the bag. Also, I can't stand to go to the bunkhouse... I expect too many people that aren't there to come out of a door or around the corner @ any moment.

I have no idea how you handle day to day life & that makes me feel bad;

No one wins when someone's love of their life dies. And when that love touched so many peoples hearts... everyone grieves.

There is no can't. Only lack of knowledge or fear. Only you can fix your fear.

PMS #227 (just like the TV show)

[craichead 0]

Eiley,

I wish we could all give you big hugs right now! As Erica and Val said, we at Hinckley miss you and Paul so much. This past Sunday, I had a refresher packing course, and I kept thinking to myself, "But...but...Paul taught me a different way!" I guess it was my way of hanging on to my memories of Paul.
Sending you lots of good vibes and love,
-Piriya

__
"Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC)

[VanillaSkyGirl 6]

Eiley, I don't know you, but I feel that I can maybe somewhat understand what you are going through. About five years ago, I lost my closest friend, who was like a sister to me. She died in a freak car accident. It took me a very long time to get over that as I loved her so much. It sounds strange, but outside of my family, there was no one else...not even close. My world shattered with one phone call. I also broke up with someone that I was living with a few months after my friend's death and was suddenly out of work. (Bad things something happen in threes!) It was the only time in my life that I was depressed. Dealing with death can have this effect on anyone.

I understand your poem.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are able to find small moments of comfort. It sounds sappy, but I swear to you that you will eventually feel almost normal again someday. Time has to pass, though. There is no easy way around it. You are probably still in the midst of struggling with a depression that is caused by this traumatic loss. It will be like a roller coaster...when you think that you are almost out of it, you may go all the way down again. It will get to the point when it's you or the depression. Think of Paul, and do everything possible to work out of the perpetual sadness. In the end, you will feel triumphant to had made it out. It sounds like a cliche, but it will undoubtedly make you a stronger person.

I send you all my love, hugs and good vibes. I hope that you are able to feel some comfort. Keep shining, my sky sister.

Edited to add: Please feel free to PM me, anytime.

[skymick 0]

Hey, just wanted to say sorry about Paul. Don't think I ever said that to you since you got back, figured you wouldnt want some bozo who barely knew you guys when you left to bug ya about it and been feeling kinda bad about not saying anything since.