Deep Thoughts

[NeedToJump 0]

Just thought I'd share some of my favorites:

Quote

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

-Jack Handey

ahhh, there's too many of them, gotta stop...

Wind Tunnel and Skydiving Coach http://www.ariperelman.com

[airann 1]

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up." - "DEEP THOUGHTS" by Jack Handy

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas." - "DEEP THOUGHTS" by Jack Handy

~AirAnn~

[MochaSkyChick 0]

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

PMS #62
Zarza R[red

[downwardspiral 0]

If trees could scream,
would man be so cavalier
as to cut them down?
Maybe if they screamed
all day for no reason.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

www.FourWheelerHB.com

[BGill 0]

...some of my favorites...

For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

I'll never forget the time my friend Stew went skydiving. Boy, what a mistake that was! First of all, his parachute didn't open. Second, we didn't have the right address, so before we got there we got lost and went driving all around for almost an hour. And third, when we finally did get there, Stew tried to back out and we had to talk him into going.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

jack is definately the man...

[sinker 0]

great... just spit milk on the screen...

-the artist formerly known as sinker

[CrazyThomas 0]

Sometimes I laugh when I stomp on ants on the ground. But then I think...what if I were an Ant? Then, it wouldn'tbe so funny. --J.H.--

Thomas

[drewboo 0]

How do they get the little M&M on each little M&M?