SpeedRacer 1 #26 August 2, 2003 <> The proctologist called. They found your head. Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
guesswhere 0 #27 August 5, 2003 QuoteWhat's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a Spice Girl with diarrhea? The corn farmer shucks between fits... what's the difference between circus midgets and the UCLA womens track team? one's a bunch of cunning runts ------- ... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixFire 0 #28 August 5, 2003 Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls.Peace Be Da Journey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amazon 7 #29 August 5, 2003 A few years ago.. an Inuit hunter was found stabbed to death in Alaska with an icicle. On the coroners report the cause of death was stated to be that the decedent had died of cold cuts. Amazon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #30 August 6, 2003 Q. What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS? A. Lip gloss! Q. What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you! Q. What do you call an intelligent, beautiful, sexy, understanding woman? A. A rumor! Q. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A. About eight beers! Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean? A. Her chain is too long! Q. How is a wife like a diploma? A. You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you aren't really sure what they are good for. Q. How many men does it take to open a beer? A. None! It should be opened by the time she brings it! Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you! Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink! Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something really smart? A. When she begins a sentence with, "A man once told me!" Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't! There's a clock on the oven! Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? A. The dog, of course! He'll shut up once you let him in! Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A. A woman who won't do what she's told! Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? A. Divorced! Q. What food has been discovered to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%? A. Wedding cake! Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to! Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry her! Q. How do you turn a stallion into a pig? A. Marry him! Q. What do you call a man with a car on his head? A. Jack! Q. What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other? A. Ilene! Q. What do you call a man hanging on the wall? A. Art! Q. Why do they call it P.M.S.? A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken! Q. Why do men whistle while sitting on the toilet? A. Because it helps them to remember which end to wipe! Q. What is the difference between Mike Tyson and a rabid pit bull? A. You can reason with the pit bull! Q. What are the 3 fastest means of communication? A. Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman! Q. Why are married men fatter than single men? A. Single men come home, see what is in the fridge and go to bed. Married men come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge! Q. If a woman was hit by a motorcyclist, whose fault would it be? A. The motorcyclist, of course! He should never have been riding his bike in the kitchen! Q. What's the difference between teachers and wives? A. Teachers tend to get a little behind at work. Wives get a big behind at home! Q. How did the science teacher determine if his classroom's skull was from a male or female skeleton? A. If the jawbone is wore down, it's definately a female! Q. What is the longest sentence known to man? A. I do! Q. How are women like UFOs? A. You don't know where they come from, what their mission is or what time they're going to fly off!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #31 August 6, 2003 What's got 75 balls and screws old ladies? BINGO. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #32 August 6, 2003 One more and I'm going home. A man left work one Friday afternoon. Since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend at the Drop Zone and spent all of his paycheck. When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. For nearly two hours she let him have it! Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" The hung over husband replied, "That would be fine with me." So Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see his wife. By Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ranchhand28 0 #33 August 6, 2003 When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children" --Author Unknown "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Harksaw 0 #34 August 6, 2003 #### NASTY JOKE WARNING ###### Q: What do you call a Somalian with a yeast infection? A: A quarter-pounder with cheese ####END NASTY JOKE ###########__________________________________________________ I started skydiving for the money and the chicks. Oh, wait. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,545 #35 August 6, 2003 Oooooh -- you're gonna get it!!! That said: QuoteQ. What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A. About eight beers! Either that or two bits And, just to add to the general hilarity: ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?) *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!") *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Makes sense to me!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her mother at the same time. ( I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Is this near Bolivia?) *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Butterflies taste with their feet. (YUK!!) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?) Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedMonster 0 #36 August 6, 2003 QuoteHumans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. A funny way to prove this wrong: My sister's parrot likes to hump his rope toy. You ALWAYS know he is doing it because all of the sudden you hear his parrot voice start softly and get louder as he squaks "ohhh yeaaa... OHHHH yeahhHHH.. OOOHHHHh YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #37 August 6, 2003 Kinda like this........ www.computerpranks.com/download/media/wav/daffy.wav Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedMonster 0 #38 August 6, 2003 QuoteKinda like this........www.computerpranks.com/download/media/wav/daffy.wav OMG YES almost just like that! Last time I was there the little shit woke me up at 6 in the morning doing that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
