Jokes please people....

[skydivejersey 0]

I've got a mear 2 hours to go until i get out of the shithouse I call work.. anyone got any jokes to help kill the time till beer.

[turtlespeed 226]

Sick Jokes, Bad jokes, Religious jokes, what's your pleasure?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[skydivejersey 0]

do i care.. anything has to better that typing out another fucking letter to some spoilt bastard about the size of his arsehole bill.

[Casie 0]

Just something to read:

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twice are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as"lunch". There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-Mart parking lot with no one in it, no mater what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (Note: In the portion above, "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19 Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world".

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.

~Porn Kitty
WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts!

[skydivejersey 0]

er.. ok thanks. note to self - avoid texas.

[JeffD 0]

Late at night ~ 2am the local bar closed so all the drunks had to leave the bar. The local police knew this so they had an officer sitting across the street watching the drunks leave the bar. His eyes came across this one individual who couldn't walk 2 feet without falling down. So the officer decided that this was who he was going to arrest for DUI, but he had to wait for the man to get into his car and attempt to drive off. So the cop waited and waited, By this time all the other drunks had left the bar and this one man finally made it to his car, got in, and started to drive off. The officer quickly pulled him over and asked the man to step out of the car. The man asked in a completely sober voice "whats wrong officer," the officer replied "I am going to give you a sobriety test because I think you are drunk" to which the man replied "you aren't going to find anything" "why not" said the officer, and the man turned and smiled at the officer and said "Because I am the designated Drunk"

[AggieDave 6]

I've read that list I don't know how many times, but I still really enjoy it.

I guess the sad part is I'm going down the list going, "yup."

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Ron 10]

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er.. ok thanks. note to self - avoid texas.

You needed a reason?

I saw a bumper sticker the other day...

It said "Proud Native Texan"....Now this was in FL....

I can't help but wonder....Why are they in FL if TX is so great?

But then again I think the same thing when I see Doninican Republic or other countries flags on stickers that say basicly the same thing.

If it was so great...why leave?

I left Memphis...and while it was nice I don't really want to go back..If I did, I would have never left.

Ron

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[skydivejersey 0]

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In Reply To
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er.. ok thanks. note to self - avoid texas.

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You needed a reason?

not really. its not that hard on a day to day basis now i think about it... it is like 8,000 miles away.

[skydivejersey 0]

1 hour to go. No jokes but plenty of reasons to avoid texas. Help me out here people.

[turtlespeed 226]

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I can't help but wonder....Why are they in FL if TX is so great?

He musta got lost and thought he was in Galveston.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Ron 10]

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I can't help but wonder....Why are they in FL if TX is so great?



He musta got lost and thought he was in Galveston.
________________________________________________

Damn I knew TX was big.....But geeze

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334

[livendive 8]

A couple I heard on Bob and Tom this morning, that probably started out as blonde jokes:

What did the Spice Girl say when she woke up under a cow?
"What are you guys still doing here?"

What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a Spice Girl with diarrhea?
The corn farmer shucks between fits...

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[Sebazz1 2]

It is always better to have a bottle in front of you than a frontal lobotomy...

[CloudOnMyTongue 0]

well there is this one joke I remember from the tasteless joke forum.

It's kind of bad so don't read it....











What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics?


Not being retarded.

[jlmiracle 7]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from San Francisco to Baltimore.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked,"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, figured she'd pass the buck and told her son to ask the stewardess.So the
boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded,"Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did". "Well, then,
tell your mother that There are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on
time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

[turtlespeed 226]

How do you get a witch pregnant?
















Fuck her!

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[robskydiv 0]

Why don't witches wear panties?

To get a better grip on the broom.

[turtlespeed 226]

why do women wear tampons when they skydive?






So they don't whistle on the way down......I n c o m in g !

Sorry ladies...just kinda had to.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[BlueEyedMonster 0]

Quote

Well, then,
tell your mother that There are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on
time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Ha ha ha ha ROTFLMAO

Quote

There ain't no such thing as"lunch". There is only dinner and then there's supper.

THANK YOU!!! I move to the city and all these people think I am nutz for eating breakfast, dinner, and supper. Lunch is what you eat at school or work!

[FrenchyDiver 0]

The national poetry contest had come down to 2 finalists, a Yale graduate and a resident of Newfoundland. They were given a single word then allowed 2 minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was Timbuktu.
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the podium and recited into the microphone:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination- Timbuktu.

The crowd roared with applause. The sentiment in the crowd was the there was no way the Newfie could top that poem. The Newfie made his way to the stage and approached the microphone. He cleared his voice and recited:

Me and Tim and huntin went,
Met tree hookers in a pop up tent.
They was tree and we was two,
Si I bucked one and Timbuktu.

The Newfie won hands down

Hispas Brothers President
HISPA #2,

[GigaBuist 0]

From memory... The Arkansas High School Reading Test:

Guy 1: MR SNAKES
Guy 2: MR NOT
Guy 1: SMR SNAKES C DEM I D B D Is?
Guy 2: L I B MR SNAKES!

Translation:

Them are snakes
Them are not
Yes them are snakes. See them itty bitty eyes?
Well I be! Them are snakes!

There's more, but I forget it.

[tbrown 26]

GINA MR. YOU, WEDDING


(Gina mister period. You comma wedding.)

Your humble servant.....Professor Gravity !

[GigaBuist 0]

Q: What's the difference between a white plastic bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One's white and dangerous to childern. The other's a plastic bag.

Did you hear about the midget with 40 pound balls?

He's half nuts.

Two nuns are painting a room and decide to remove their clothing to prevent paint splashes. Somebody knocks on the door and they ask who it is and he responds, "Blind man." They figure, what the hey -- it's blind so he can't see anythign and open the door. The man stands there, says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everybody's been on a 747.

A young man is at a bar with his friends when a drunk walks up to himi and says right to his face, "Your mother is the best lay in town!" The young man waves him off as his friends shit in amazement that he didn't knock the guy out. The man comes back 10 minutes later, gets his the young man's face and says, "Your mother gives the best blow jobs in town!" Again the young man just waves him off and his friends sit amazed that he's taking this. The guy comes back again and tells the youngster, "I'm gonna screw your mother tonight, whaddya think about that?" The young man finally snaps back, "Go home dad, you're drunk."

Bah-doom-chink.

[robskydiv 0]

Why are freefallers the greatest lovers on earth?
Because skydivers go down faster.