txblondie 0 #1 August 6, 2003 > Attending a wedding for the first time, a > > little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the > > bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color > > of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her > > life." The child thought about this for a moment, > > then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?" > > #################################### A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" ########################################## Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ########################################## Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. ########################################### An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. ########################################### A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." ############################################ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." ############################################ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." ########################################## Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad." ***************************************** Blondes do have more fun! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casie 0 #2 August 6, 2003 One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally the farmer decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So, he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing ... He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off. The Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less. O.K., enough of that B.S. ....The donkey later came back, caught the farmer out in the field, and kicked the living crap out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbors' farms and kicked the crap out of them too for helping. The REAL Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to haunt you.~Porn Kitty WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casie 0 #3 August 6, 2003 MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Just remember : if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them~Porn Kitty WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Push 0 #4 August 6, 2003 -- Toggle Whippin' Yahoo Skydiving is easy. All you have to do is relax while plummetting at 120 mph from 10,000' with nothing but some nylon and webbing to save you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TEB6363 0 #5 August 6, 2003 The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to make any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the! person who doesn't get it. 8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub inthe fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. Once the plane takes off, you're gonna have to land - Might as well jump out!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GARYC24 3 #6 August 6, 2003 A well-known football player played exceptionally well one game..after the game the coach asked him what was up with him playing that hard. He replied..you see my Dad was blind most of my life and he died yesterday..So today was the first day got got to see me play. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
