juanesky 0 #1 August 28, 2003 George W. Bush The White House, USA Resumé Past Work Experience I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; the company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With my father's help and name, I was elected Governor of Texas. Accomplishments as Governor I changed pollution laws in favor of the power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any Governor in American history. I became U.S. President after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes with the help of major Enron money and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court. Accomplishments as President I attacked and overtook two countries. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. My record for environmental issues is the least of my concerns. I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one year period. After taking-off the entire month of August, I then presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I am supporting development of a "Tactical Bunker Buster" nuke, a WMD. I am getting our troops killed, under the lie of Sadam's procurement of Yellow Cake Nuke WMD components, then blaming the lie on our British friends. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. president. In my first year in office over 2-million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any president in U.S. history. I set the record for least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television. I signed more laws and executive orders effectively amending or ignoring the Constitution than any president in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use national reserves as past presidents have done. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families — in war time. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people) shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. I've dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history. I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I am the first president in U.S. history to have almost all 50 states of the Union simultaneously suffer massive financial crisis. I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in history. I am the first president in U.S. history to order a pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community. I created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States. I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in history. I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Elections Monitoring Board. I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history. I rendered the entire United Nations viewpoints irrelevant. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" (detainees) and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first president in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election). I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation) presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history. My political party used the Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most resented country in the world, possibly the largest failure of diplomacy in World history. I am actively working on a policy of "disengagement" creating the most hostile of Israel-Palestine relations in at least 30 years. I am the first president in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I set an all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling their huge personal investments in corporations bidding for U.S. contracts. I failed to fulfill my pledge to capture Osama Bin Laden, dead or alive. I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the U.S. Capitol Building. Even after 18 months I have no leads and no credible suspects. In the past 18 months following the World Trade Center attack I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States. I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any president in U.S. history. In a little over two years, I created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided since the Civil War. I entered my office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and have turned every single economic category downward — all in less than two years. Records and References I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine. My Texas driving record has been erased and is not available. I was AWOL from the National Guard. I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use. All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed, and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review."According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #2 August 28, 2003 Hillbilly Dayvorce A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres." The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said,"No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.""According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casie 0 #3 August 28, 2003 D'you ever wonder? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's rear end." Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in you? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?~Porn Kitty WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #4 August 28, 2003 WELFARE OFFICE A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year!" The man said, "You're bullshi tting me man!" The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it.""According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #5 August 28, 2003 A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then? The husband says," I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book"."According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Casie 0 #6 August 28, 2003 LMAO! That's hilarious!~Porn Kitty WARNING: Goldschlager causes extreme emotional outbursts! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
