CrazyIvan 0 #1 September 5, 2003 To keep things even. A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman... then... pow!... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh... my wife found out..." Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. If your wife and your lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to the cinema? Why have women got legs? To move between the kitchen and the bedroom. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. Why do women pay more attention to their faces than their minds? Because even thought men may, at time, be a little stupid, they aren't blind. Did you hear about the new home appliance? You screw it on the bed and it does all the housework. How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose? Her ankles swell when she farts. Did you hear about the big drug bust at the airport the other day? Yeah, they lifted up this ladies skirt and found 50 pounds of crack. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you change a woman's mind? Buy her another beer. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 4. 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group. Why did god invent alcohol? So fat women can get laid too. Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time. What is the difference between your job and your wife? After 20 years your job still sucks. What do you do if your boiler explodes? Buy her some flowers. Why has women got two holes? So you can carry them like a six pack. Why are women smarter while their having sex? They're plugged into a genius. What do you call a room full of women with PMS and yeast infections? A whine and cheese party. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" And I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin. Whats the difference between your wife and your washing machine? You don't have to hug your washing machine for twenty minutes after you dump your load in it. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. The Perfect Breakfast: You sit down for breakfast and proudly look at your All-American son's picture on the back of the "Wheaties" box, your mistress is on the cover of the new "Playboy" and your wifes photograph is on the back of the milk carton, "Missing". What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Some where I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported knickers. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."__________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Canuck278 0 #2 September 5, 2003 why did they call PMS....PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Steve Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rehmwa 2 #3 September 5, 2003 All I want is a women who: is great in bed is a good homemaker makes a great deal of money and I don't want these three to ever meet. ... Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #4 September 5, 2003 LMAO Vindication is sweeeeettt"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #5 September 5, 2003 You guys know what's the second best thing about a blowjob? She won't be talking for about 10 minutes. __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #6 September 5, 2003 QuoteYou guys know what's the second best thing about a blowjob? She won't be talking for about 10 minutes. It may be the first best thing. I saw a girls phone number in a mens restroom. "It said for a reasonably good time, call..." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #7 September 5, 2003 QuoteIt may be the first best thing. I saw a girls phone number in a mens restroom. "It said for a reasonably good time, call..." LMFAO!!! __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quack 0 #8 September 5, 2003 QuoteHow many divorced Women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 4. 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group. I heard it was *0* - they just sit in the dark and bitch! But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is the good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. - Serge A. Storms Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #9 September 5, 2003 How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. heh...this ought to stir them up.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkyPsycho 0 #10 September 5, 2003 why do women get yeast infections? so they are reminded what its like to live with an irritating twat too............ _______________________________ HK MP5SD.........silence is golden Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SkydiverRick 0 #11 September 6, 2003 My wife and I were happy for 20 years.........then we met each other. never pull low......unless you are Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
