whocares 0 #1 September 10, 2003 First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that. All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end. The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 2 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin, O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!" If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period. First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you better be armed. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is not ornamental. The Congress expressway (Ike) is our daily version of NASCAR. The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap." If it's 100 degrees, It's Taste of Chicago. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, It's opening day at Comisky Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round. If you go to the Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. Chicago, there's no place like it! You might be from Illinois if.... * You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. * You become irate at people who do. * You measure distance in minutes. (SO?) * You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines." (You got it!) * Your school classes were canceled because of the cold. * Your school classes were canceled because of the heat. * You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. * Stores don't have sacks, they have bags. (DUH!) * You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with," (is there something wrong with this)? * You can locate Illinois on the United States map. * Your idea of a great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice. * When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say "It was different." * You carry jumper cables in your car. * You drink "pop." (Exactly) * You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads. * You refer to any interstate highway as "the tollway". * You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy,Eisenhower, Dan Ryan. * You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois". * You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake". * You refer to Chicago as "The City". * No matter where you are, when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago. * You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers. * You buy "The Trib". * You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog. * You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is. * You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City". * You understand what "lake-effect" means. * You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. * You have ridden the "L". * You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, & 815. * You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet. (588-2300 E M P I R E!!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #2 September 10, 2003 That was great! My favorite: Quote* You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet. (588-2300 E M P I R E!!) Hehe! Also, (3 different people asked me about this over the summer) the Sears Tower tends to be one of the easiest landmarks to find.There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
txblondie 0 #3 September 10, 2003 * You measure distance in minutes. (SO?) * Your school classes were canceled because of the cold. * Your school classes were canceled because of the heat. * You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. * Stores don't have sacks, they have bags. (DUH!) ----------------------------------- Texans also measure distance in "time" rather than miles, but it's more like hours than minutes due to the size of the state. Texans cancel school because of the cold, but the heat is something that we live with. In Texas, during the two weeks of spring, three days of fall, and 4 months of "winter", it is a daily thing to switch from heat in the morning to a/c during the day and back to heat at night. And of course stores have bags! What the hell are sacks?! Funny, I thought we had nothing in common with anyone "up north"!!! ***************************************** Blondes do have more fun! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildblue 7 #4 September 10, 2003 ? People have problems finding the Sears Tower? Another driving tip: If there's more than 1/4 of a car length between you and th car in front of you, be prepared for someone else to merge into that space. If you see a silver grand am being piloted by a blond woman - get out of her way immediately.it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH 0 #5 September 10, 2003 although many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. *** hell yah!! And if you're only goin 85, please get in the right lane!! There is no can't. Only lack of knowledge or fear. Only you can fix your fear. PMS #227 (just like the TV show) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FallingILweenie 0 #6 September 10, 2003 oh, and 85 miles an hr is a requirement except for the one jackoff who always rides in the left lane doing 60. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #7 September 10, 2003 QuotePeople have problems finding the Sears Tower? Yes, three times this summer I pointed to that really tall, black building and said, "That's the Sears Tower." Also, for people coming into Chicago to do the touristy thing...take public transportation! QuoteIf there's more than 1/4 of a car length between you and th car in front of you, be prepared for someone else to merge into that space. Only if their car is worth more than yours! QuoteIf you see a silver grand am being piloted by a blond woman - get out of her way immediately. Your damn right! There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #8 September 10, 2003 Quotealthough many north/south freeways have un-posted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. *** hell yah!! And if you're only goin 85, please get in the right lane!! Sigh...I wish I could do 85 on the Dan Ryan....stupid traffic.There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kallend 2,146 #9 September 10, 2003 QuoteIf it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, It's opening day at Comisky Park. That's as out-of-date as a Naperville road map... It's been "US Cellular Field" all year. jk - daily Dan Ryan driver.... The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
whocares 0 #10 September 10, 2003 That's as out-of-date as a Naperville road map... It's been "US Cellular Field" all year. *** To a true Chicagoan it is and always will be Comisky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
whocares 0 #11 September 10, 2003 oh, and 85 miles an hr is a requirement except for the one jackoff who always rides in the left lane doing 60. *** You will like the new Illinois law then. If you are in the left lane and someone is coming up on you, you must change lanes for the car to pass or you will be ticketed. Goes into effect next year..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diverdriver 7 #12 September 10, 2003 And don't ever expect to understand a word the traffic reporter says because you can't. There are no breaks, pauses, or clearification of WTF they are talking about. Just know that if you are on the road you will get into a traffic jam and there is no alternate route so don't bother. But they do have spiffy helicopters that hover over.Chris Schindler www.diverdriver.com ATP/D-19012 FB #4125 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #13 September 10, 2003 QuoteAnd don't ever expect to understand a word the traffic reporter says because you can't. I have to understand it! If I wake up late, miss my train, have to drive in, and the Dan Ryan is 35 mins from 95th to the circle, I'm taking the Skyway! If you have the ability to block out what you don't need finely tuned, traffic reports are helpful.There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
whocares 0 #14 September 10, 2003 I have to understand it! If I wake up late, miss my train, have to drive in, and the Dan Ryan is 35 mins from 95th to the circle, I'm taking the Skyway! If you have the ability to block out what you don't need finely tuned, traffic reports are helpful.*** I have come to the conclusion one must be on the road by 6am and leave the office after 7pm.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildblue 7 #15 September 10, 2003 ... and they're especially useless for people form out of town, because the traffic reporter calls everything by its name (Stevenson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Dan Ryan) which no one from out of town even knows. I think that's intentional though - that just makes less people on the alternate routes, so the natives can actually get where they want to go.it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
diverdriver 7 #16 September 10, 2003 Exactly! I've been in the Chicago area since 1997 and I'm completely lost listening to the radio reports to this day! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildblue 7 #17 September 10, 2003 Good example of how all Chicagoans firmly believe the world does in fact revolve around their beloved city: QuoteYou know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet. I know that god-forsaken jingle, and I'm just a 'country bumpkin'. Empire Carpet is nation-wide, and I'm pretty sure they use the same commercial and same phone number in every market. Don't get me started on their incessant whining about the Sears vs. Petronas Towers And who could forget the arrogant "Well, we don't want our shit in our own backyard.... oh I know! Let's reverse the flow of the river!" And really, has any other city's professional sports team decided to do anything close to a "Superbowl Shuffle"?! Arrogant, combative Chicagoans.... it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vallerina 2 #18 September 10, 2003 QuoteDon't get me started on their incessant whining about the Sears vs. Petronas Towers And who could forget the arrogant "Well, we don't want our shit in our own backyard.... oh I know! Let's reverse the flow of the river!" Sigh....don't use your knowledge from a boat tour for evil! QuoteAnd really, has any other city's professional sports team decided to do anything close to a "Superbowl Shuffle"?! Yes, (not that I keep up with sports too much) but another football team tried to recreate the magic that was the Superbowl Shuffle. QuoteI know that god-forsaken jingle, and I'm just a 'country bumpkin. You are more than a country bumpkin. You're a country bumpkin who has obviously been to a big city with tall scary buildings if you know that jingle. QuoteGood example of how all Chicagoans firmly believe the world does in fact revolve around their beloved city: It doesn't?There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChileRelleno 0 #19 September 10, 2003 OOOOHHH TOO FUNNY! whats really bad is I've been up there so much in my truck (I'm a longhaul trucker) that I already knew all that and could relate ChileRelleno-Rodriguez Bro#414 Hellfish#511,MuffBro#3532,AnvilBro#9, D24868 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fast 0 #20 September 10, 2003 Quote? People have problems finding the Sears Tower? Hmm, I seem to find it pretty easy... from wisconsin at 8000 feet. H'n'p from alt is nice on a clear day, can see downtown milwaukee and chicago. And to think people can't find the sears tower when they are up close ~D Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll find me. Swooping is taking one last poke at the bear before escaping it's cave - davelepka Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WFFC 1 #21 September 10, 2003 Quote* You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City". Now that's a good trivia question... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ira 0 #22 September 10, 2003 -- When you hear the traffic guy talking about LSD, he isn't talking about a drug. -- You know what the Loop is. -- You know that the best view of the city isn't from the Sears tower, it is from the Hancock -- The coach only means one person ---Ditka -- You might actually Believe that Sammy only had one corked bat.. -- And finally the deceased still vote in all elections.. along with several pets and anyone who has ever lived in the city even for just a day. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wildblue 7 #23 September 10, 2003 Quote-- You know that the best view of the city isn't from the Sears tower, it is from the Hancock From the ladies' restroom no less... QuoteNow that's a good trivia question... I wonder how many people that live in Chicago know the actual answer to that (as opposed to what everone just assumes it's refering to)it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WFFC 1 #24 September 10, 2003 QuoteQuoteNow that's a good trivia question... I wonder how many people that live in Chicago know the actual answer to that (as opposed to what everone just assumes it's refering to) That's why I asked...If you know, give the unknowns a chance to answer first... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
whocares 0 #25 September 10, 2003 In Chicago you do not need a map. If you can see the top of the cock or the sears tower you will find your way. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
