weegegirl 2 #1 September 16, 2003 wow, long time since i've been on dz.com... it's my birthday and i'm stuck at the office - bored as hell and wishing i was jumping. somebody please tell me a joke!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #2 September 16, 2003 SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman. "According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebecca 0 #3 September 16, 2003 Happy Birthday to you!!! It's my birthday, too! Number 29 and holding... and I'm stuck at the office, too. Hope you have a great day! you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weegegirl 2 #4 September 16, 2003 sweet! the Second Degree is the best one by far. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weegegirl 2 #5 September 16, 2003 Hey, alright! Happy Birthday to YOU! Sweet. Virgos rock. Especially skydiving chick virgos! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rebecca 0 #6 September 16, 2003 You're darn tootin' we rock! Yeah! I plan to live forever- so far, so good... you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #7 September 16, 2003 Happy Birthday you two..I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juanesky 0 #8 September 16, 2003 Hppay b-ady to btoh!!! Sewet ins't it?"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #9 September 16, 2003 A salesman knocks on a woman's door. He finally talks her into letting him do a demonstration for a new vacumn cleaner. He starts dumping ketchup, eggs, chocolate sauce, and grape juice in big pile on the floor. All the while telling this woman what a great carpet cleaner this is. He turns around. Opens his case and says "Oh shit.....I'm selling encyclopedias today." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QuickDraw 0 #10 September 16, 2003 Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that this wasn't the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. > > > "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. > > > "How long will this take?" she asks. > > > "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. > > > The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" > > > He shrugged and said, "Worked for your arse, didn't it?" > > > He lived, and with extensive therapy, he may even walk again !! ------------------------------------------------------ A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of this ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!"" -------------------------------------------------------- A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." His daughter screams.. "Don't eat it Jimmy!.. It's a fu*king asshole. -------------------------------------------------------- Hope they help. -- Hope you don't die. -- I'm fucking winning Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nutz 0 #11 September 16, 2003 QuoteHppay b-ady to btoh!!! Sewet ins't it? Geez, I can read it, but I see that it is all jumbled up. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robskydiv 0 #12 September 16, 2003 An airliner is going down over the mountains. The Capt. announces this to the passengers and adds that things aren't looking so good. In a moment of craziness, a woman stands up, takes off her shirt and says: "Is there any man here who can make me feel like a woman one last time?" A soldier stands up, removes his shirt and hands it to her and he says: "Here, iron this!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #13 September 16, 2003 7 times A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment." Quote Upset Eve Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
PhillyKev 0 #14 September 16, 2003 A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope the hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" The loan was approved. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #15 September 16, 2003 LOL...good one philly... Here's one more... You’ll be fine A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils outI'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
weegegirl 2 #16 September 16, 2003 here's a poem for everyone... THE POEM: First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. 'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflir29 0 #17 September 16, 2003 QuoteThen he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing. It's not so bad if you keep it....ummm...filled. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cava 0 #18 September 16, 2003 Here's an absolutely filthy joke for you... What did the cute fluffy boy bunnyrabbit say to the cute fluffy girl bunnyrabbit? A: (my nose is wiggling) I guess it's only filthy if you speak bunnyrabbit. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #19 September 16, 2003 QuoteHere's an absolutely filthy joke for you... What did the cute fluffy boy bunnyrabbit say to the cute fluffy girl bunnyrabbit? A: (my nose is wiggling) I guess it's only filthy if you speak bunnyrabbit. *Wiggles nose at weegegirl*I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
