Atlas 0 #1 October 11, 2003 Quick little joke.. A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?” The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.” The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says. “What myths are those?” “Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.” Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!” “Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.” OLD JOKE: Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it. He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.” Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.” On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?” Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gawain 0 #2 October 11, 2003 A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." "Men get laid, but women get screwed"-Quentin Crisp (english writer) "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows"-Frederick Ryder "Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place."-Billy Crystal. "I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?"-Berverly Mickins (American comedienne) "Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you."-Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress) "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what i'm doing, just show me somebody naked."-Jerry Seinfeld "We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation."-Jane Wagner "You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate."-Carrie Snow "Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last." -Remy de Gourmant (french writer) "A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses"-H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956) "When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment"-Warren Farrell (American Psychologist) "Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."-Lyndon B. Johnson "Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?" -Carrie Snow "God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question" -AnonymousSo I try and I scream and I beg and I sigh Just to prove I'm alive, and it's alright 'Cause tonight there's a way I'll make light of my treacherous life Make light! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
