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Jayruss

monday funnies

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Dead Horses
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that: "When you discover that you are riding a dead Horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in the Federal Government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1) Buying a stronger whip.
2) Changing riders.
3) Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4) Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5) Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6) Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7) Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9) Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10) Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11) Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12) Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

__________________________________________________
"Beware how you take away hope from another human being."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

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You know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.
Back then, the state had no electricity. No money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

So it was just like California today only back then
the women had real breasts

__________________________________________________
"Beware how you take away hope from another human being."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

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Quote

You know what happened this week back in 1850?

California became a state.
Back then, the state had no electricity. No money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the middle of the streets.

So it was just like California today only back then
the women had real breasts



And noone knew what plastic was.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Halloween Related....

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween
party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days
later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you
will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and hereceives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really lo ok the
part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

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One more..

I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other
stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's
rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so
I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"

And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"

What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre
so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to
call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions, bye!"
I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, “Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?”
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why the hell do you want to live to be 80?

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

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Too old for this


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has
a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest
member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says
"not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again
the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the
mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do
we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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