Friday Funny

[PhillyKev 0]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary.. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years! my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[FliegendeWolf 0]

I don't get it.

Edit: Bwahahahaha! Much better!

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All

[alanab 0]

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I don't get it.

me either, i just sent a pm... but now i know im not the only one! thanks

[rehmwa 2]

That did finish a little flat.

Here's a nerd joke -

Anyway there were three Indian Squaws - all three were pregnant.

One squaw always wore deer hide
One squaw always wore buffalo hide

the third squaw only wore hippopotamus hide

eventually:

the squaw with the deer hide had a boy;
the squaw wearing buffalo also had a boy;

the third squaw, though, had twin boys so she had as many as the other squaws



so it just goes to show





THE SONS OF THE SQUAW IN THE HIPPOPOTAMUS IS EQUAL TO THE SONS OF SQUAWS IN THE OTHER TWO HIDES

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[PhillyKev 0]

Doh...forgot the punch line.....editing

[AggieDave 6]

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Doh...forgot the punch line.....editing

You've been watching too much Leno. Really lame jokes with no punchlines.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Tonto 1]

let me guess.. Goes along the lines of "Do you still believe in Genies?"

I worry about you guys... not sharp as tacks, are you... mind you, it is early your side of the pond..

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[AggieDave 6]

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it is early your side of the pond..

Dude, Its 8am and i haven't had my coffee yet.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Tonto 1]

And its 17h00 here, I'm going home, and the DZ is open for 4 days! I'll only be back at work on Wednesday - in time to close for Christmas in a week.

There's no wind - tempreture is about 90 deg F... Summer time.... Doncha Love it?

Have a great weekend!

t

It's the year of the Pig.

[AggieDave 6]

Forgot it was summer down there. You suck. Its winter up here, damn 55F outside right now, with low clouds and its supposed to storm. Oh well, atleast its not balls cold like it ususally is this time of year.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[diverdriver 7]

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Forgot it was summer down there. You suck. Its winter up here, damn 55F outside right now, with low clouds and its supposed to storm. Oh well, atleast its not balls cold like it ususally is this time of year.

Whaahhhhhhhhh...... It's fucking 10 degrees F up here!

[FallingILweenie 0]

If he was doing a Leno he's forget the punchline AND laugh at his own joke.

[BASE813 0]

What do you call a room full of women with PMS and yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.


There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?" Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he'll come home and thank you appropriately..." So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:
Man: Take Your clothes off!
Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!
Man: Stand on your head!
Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!
Man: Spread your legs apart!
Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!
The man then gets a small mirror and places it inbetween her legs. Woman thinks: This is a new one!
Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.

[PLFKING 4]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing
all the bickering. Finally, God said in two hours will judge who does the
better job. So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports. They made cards.


They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured,
and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen
and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just
sighed.


The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's
all gone! I lost everything when the power went out." Meanwhile, Jesus
quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan
observed this and became even more irate.


"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"


God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."


Don

"When in doubt I whip it out,
I got me a rock-and-roll band.
It's a free-for-all."

[PLFKING 4]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw
a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. I'm on the
7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on
the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back
nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same
request. "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must
be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his
play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he
knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played
the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales
profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?" "I'll tell you, but
you're going to laugh," she replied. "No, I won't." "Well, if you must
know," she answered, "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard
he almost fell off the bar stool. "See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."


Don

"When in doubt I whip it out,
I got me a rock-and-roll band.
It's a free-for-all."

[flyhi 24]

Three guys standing around talking.

First Guy: "I'm glad I'm married and have four kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

Second Guy: "I'm glad I'm married and have eight kids. One more and I'll have a baseball team."

Third Guy: "I'm glad I'm single. One more girlfriend and I'll have a golf course...and you should try playing the back nine."

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[n2skdvn 0]

Q: Why do they the area between a woman's breasts and hips a waist?


A: you could put another set of tits there.

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
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