miked10270 0 #1 December 17, 2003 For all of you who want to know what was really said... --------- BEGIN TRANSCRIPT --------- December 13, 2003. Soldiers from the 4th Infantry Division have found the "spider hole" in which Saddam Hussein has been hiding. SGT. MARK MURRAY: This is the United States Army. Whoever you are, we know you're down there. Come out right now or we will open fire! SADDAM: Don't shoot! I am Saddam Hussein. MURRAY: President Bush sends his regards. SADDAM: That's nice of him. How's Georgie been? MURRAY: He's good. The swelling’s gone down. He says he's sorry he hasn't called. SADDAM: He's not still sore about the time I tried to kill his dad, is he? MURRAY: Not at all. Jesus Christ, that is the filthiest shithole I’ve ever seen. SADDAM: It’s the maid’s day off. MURRAY: Are those rats down there with you all the time? SADDAM: They mostly come at night. Mostly. MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, we are taking you into custody. I need you to leave your weapon on the ground and come out of the hole. SADDAM: No! I am the President of Iraq and I wish to negotiate. MURRAY: We're not going to negotiate. SADDAM: If you will not negotiate, I will never come out. MURRAY: We'll see about that. SADDAM: What, do you plan to use force? Do you think you and your heavily armed infantry are any match for an old man in a hole with a pistol? MURRAY: [Under his breath] Shit! He's got us by the balls. [To Saddam] Mr. Hussein, I need to talk to my C.O. SADDAM: Don't try anything funny! I've got you cornered! MURRAY: Just don't shoot. I'm putting down my weapon. SADDAM: I want to see your hands! [Murray exchanges a few words with his commanding officer, Capt. Roger Kozlowski, and then speaks again to Saddam.] MURRAY: All right, Mr. Hussein, you win. If you come out, we will spare your life and give you full immunity from your crimes against humanity. SADDAM: What crimes? I haven't gassed anybody in years. MURRAY: Didn’t you build weapons of mass destruction with the intention of using them on innocent people? SADDAM: Yes, but it's all right, I had – MURRAY: – yeah yeah yeah, you had Subway for lunch. SADDAM: How did you know? MURRAY: And didn't you also torture thousands of Iraqis in order to intimidate your enemies and maintain your iron grip on power? [Pause.] SADDAM: That depends on your definition of "torture." MURRAY: We're willing to forgive all that, but we want you to tell us what you did with those weapons of mass destruction. SADDAM: I sold them to North Korea. I gave the profits to a mysterious and powerful figure who supports my cause. He is a dangerous and terrifying man who will one day destroy America. [Pause.] MURRAY: Howard Dean? SADDAM: Enough! If I agree to come out, what will I get in exchange? MURRAY: I told you, we’re offering you immunity. We promise that you won’t be tried and executed. SADDAM: Unacceptable! I want $10 million and a villa in the south of France. And a razor. [Pause.] SADDAM: Gillette Sensor, if you please. With the comfort strip. MURRAY: Out of the question. SADDAM: I'm warning you, I have a cell phone. Shall I call CNN? I'm sure they'd love to film this little debacle. MURRAY: Go ahead, call them. SADDAM: I see that you are wearing an arm patch. What does it say? MURRAY: Um, it says "Arizona Cardinals." It’s a football team. SADDAM: I see. And you would want all the television viewers in America to know that you are a Cardinals fan? MURRAY: Damn you, Saddam Hussein! SADDAM: You have a patch on your other arm, too. What is the meaning of 'Pacino Division?' MURRAY: It's not important. What do you want? SADDAM: If you want me to come out, you will have to make more concessions. I wish to be on a reality TV show. MURRAY: Which one? SADDAM: The one with the porn star. [Pause.] MURRAY: There’s one with a porn star now? SADDAM: And I want a guarantee that I'll win and get to marry her. MURRAY: No way. We’re Americans. Every contestant deserves an equal chance to nail the porn star. SADDAM: I've got bin Laden on speed dial. I'm sure I can talk him into attacking the United States. He has operatives in New Jersey with an explosive device that can reduce the entire state to a heap of smoldering rubble. [Pause.] MURRAY: And? SADDAM: I can also call the New York Times and take out an ad giving away the ending to "Lord of the Rings." MURRAY: You wouldn't dare! SADDAM: Wouldn't I? MURRAY: You don't know how it ends. You're bluffing! SADDAM: After Frodo makes it to the top of Mount Doom, Gollum tries to - MURRAY: Stop! [To Capt. Kozlowski] He'll do it, that crazy bastard. We're in over our heads here. KOZLOWSKI: We’d better call the boss. MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, I'm going to contact the White House and tell President Bush about your offer. SADDAM: Go ahead. And tell him I want my ‘Sex in the City’ DVD back. [There is a long pause as Murray speaks to President Bush via satellite phone.] MURRAY: Mr. Hussein, the President has rejected your offer. We are giving you two options. Either you come up and surrender unconditionally... SADDAM: Or? MURRAY: Or we leave you here, bring the entire Army home, and leave you in charge of this fucked-up, steaming shitpile of a country. [Pause.] SADDAM: Hang on, I'm getting a ladder. --------- END TRANSCRIPT --------- Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable. Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
souleh 0 #2 December 17, 2003 lmao.. very good 'buttplugs? where?' - geno Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
