The Holiday Cranberry Horrors

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My father sent me a recipe for some kind of holiday cranberry
glop which included, among other horrors, cooked celery.
I thought I would take a moment to share my views on this with a few folks.

Cranberry dishes and sauces are evil and should all be destroyed utterly.
To add cooked celery to the thing clearly indicates
that it has come directly from Satan and should be avoided
at all costs. This is kinda like combining a big ol hunk of weapons grade
plutonium with yet another big ol hunk of weapons grade plutonium
and then imploding them.
The results are just plain bad all around.
In the case of the plutonium you get one amazingly hot place. It gets that hot REAL fast
which in turn creates a big ol VERY fast moving pressure wave to go along with all
that heat. So hot, in fact, that (in conjunction with that big ol fast moving pressure wave)
it pretty much completely destroys everything for miles around and
leaves the whole area pretty much uninhabitable for a long long long time.
Oh yeah, and radiation too. Unstable atoms flying apart and their protons, neutron, and
electrons hurtling off in all directions, poisoning the very earth and destroying any life
unfortunate enough to get in its way.

The cranberry thing is just like that but instead of the heat, shockwave, and residual
radiation, you have a great big yukky feeling inside that can last minutes and minutes
and a general feeling of "What else is there to eat besides this cranberry junk?" that
can last for several hours.

I strongly urge all right thinking people to band together and
drive this scourge from the face of the earth.

Cranberry juice is ok though and quite good for the urinary tract.