Ever wonder what is like to be deployed?

[jb092 0]

I got this in an email today. Being in the military and having been deployed I found this funny.


1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Two hours after you go to sleep, have someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your everyone vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your friends that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously go buy Gatoraid.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

What could possibly go wrong?

[Dumpster 0]

Gave me flashbacks to the Gulf War

Funny, but so much of that rings true!

[PhillyKev 0]

Gave me flashbacks to following the Dead.

[freeflir29 0]

Sounds like a pretty decent simulation.

[DShiznit 0]

I had my fun in Kuwait. I also did enough field time to last three lifetimes.... No wonder my son doesn't like the fact I never want to go camping...

[Hooknswoop 19]

#41 Pack up everything in your garage and load it up on a truck. Let someone else drive as you ride in the back and have them drive crosscountry at night with no headlights for 4-5 hours and then set everything back up in someone else's garage. Do this every 4-5 days.

Derek

[DShiznit 0]

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#41 Pack up everything in your garage and load it up on a truck. Let someone else drive as you ride in the back and have them drive crosscountry at night with no headlights for 4-5 hours and then set everything back up in someone else's garage. Do this every 4-5 days.

Derek

LMAO!!! Too true!!

[jb092 0]

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#41 Pack up everything in your garage and load it up on a truck. Let someone else drive as you ride in the back and have them drive crosscountry at night with no headlights for 4-5 hours and then set everything back up in someone else's garage. Do this every 4-5 days.

Derek

LMAO
It should be every 2 days!

What could possibly go wrong?

[Zenister 0]

ROTFCMEO... all too true...

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[bshl 0]

#42. Don't let anyone in your family go anywhere alone. Also, everyone must carry a broomstick with them for protection. The only time they're allowed to be without their broomstick is when they're running into the yard for a shower.

Thanks for the laugh, Jack!

Blue skies and happy landings!

[LouDiamond 1]

While they all are valid descriptions of being deployed I'll say that they are from a support perspective. I can remember all 2 times I slept on a cot, when I got there and when I was leaving, the rest of the time it was in a hide site we had dug into the ground. Showers, what are those? 35 + days with out a shower beyond a whore bath out of my canteen cup. I could go on for hours but I'm in Eloy waiting for load 2 to go on call so enjoy what you have right now and don't take anything for granted and be happy that you're at home etc and not deployed right now. If you're one of the many deployed then Charlie Mike. Merry Christmas

"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

[sdgregory 0]

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I had my fun in Kuwait. I also did enough field time to last three lifetimes.... No wonder my son doesn't like the fact I never want to go camping...

Funny I have the same feeling about camping now too. Must be deployment related


One thing to add to that list:

Take a wooden ammo crate and use it as a toilet out in the open where the whole world can watch you wipe your ass and do that only using a small 4 inch square piece of that tissue paper you wrap presents in.

Do not forget to fold it in quarters and rip off the corner. Save the corner to clean the poo out from under your fingernail and later eat with the same hand



edited for poor typing skills

[DShiznit 0]

You ever try to sleep on the side of a hill in 30* weather while it's raining hard on you and windy as hell?? That is one night I will never forget......

I remember when we started air strikes on Iraq, we all found out about it while being in the field on Ft Hood and were taking a pool to guess how soon we would get deployed.

[freeflir29 0]

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While they all are valid descriptions of being deployed I'll say that they are from a support perspective.

That was my first thought....but considering the percentage of "Combat Support and Combat Service Support" personnel this tends to be "Most" people's experience.

[DShiznit 0]

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While they all are valid descriptions of being deployed I'll say that they are from a support perspective. I can remember all 2 times I slept on a cot, when I got there and when I was leaving, the rest of the time it was in a hide site we had dug into the ground. Showers, what are those? 35 + days with out a shower beyond a whore bath out of my canteen cup. I could go on for hours but I'm in Eloy waiting for load 2 to go on call so enjoy what you have right now and don't take anything for granted and be happy that you're at home etc and not deployed right now. If you're one of the many deployed then Charlie Mike. Merry Christmas

Great post. I can relate. Have fun jumping while I am sitting here at work.

[sdgregory 0]

Very true Lou!

Anybody remeber Dry Shaving cause the water buffalo was nowhere to be found?

[DShiznit 0]

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Very true Lou!

Anybody remeber Dry Shaving cause the water buffalo was nowhere to be found?

Unfortunately. I also remember caking on the camo so I didn't have to shave, but that really didn't work. I never wanted to shave with ice cold water......

That's another thing. Using the issue camo sticks, try put some of that shit on when it's below freezing outside... That is some fun stuff!

[flyhi 24]

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5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

Complete the shower in 20 seconds because, despite the fresh water they are pumping over the side, you are short on fresh water.

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20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

Install a pre-Civil War lock on it with a forty pound handle which you must open and close every trip. Ensure it jams every third trip, unless you are in a hurry then 100% of the time.

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[tunaplanet 0]

Funny shit.

Forty-two

[mjosparky 4]

Spend 3 weeks living off of what you are carrying on your back. Do not take a shower, eat any hot food, sleep on the ground and always, always be very, very quite. Just another wonderful, all expense paid vacation to beautiful South East Asia.

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[Hazarrd 1]

did anyone else think of "deployed" in the sense of a parachute when they read this at first? what does it feel like to be deployed from a container...???

.-.

[freeflir29 0]

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what does it feel like to be deployed from a container...???

Probably something like a static line jump out of a C-17.

[skreamer 1]

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For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

No, take a spade, dig a hole in your neignbour's garden and crap in that. Fill the hole in. Repeat process every time you need to crap (but using a different neighbour's house every time
Also not on the list - in addition to not washing, deodorant and toothpaste are not allowed.

[mjosparky 4]

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did anyone else think of "deployed" in the sense of a parachute when they read this at first? what does it feel like to be deployed from a container...???

I take it you have never been in the military?

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals