tunaplanet 0 #1 January 7, 2004 Things to do at Wal-Mart Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals. Walk up to an employee and tell them in an office tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Leave small sacrifices of gifts in the hands of the mannequins, like Preparation H, bottle nipples, tampons... Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-men. Add items to other people's carts while they're not looking. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a 'test drive'. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from the other aisles. Things not to say to a cop after he pulls you over Back off Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen? Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. How to get rid of telemarketers If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and could use some money. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, the companies name, where it's located. Continue asking personal questions or about their company for as long as necessary. Ask what they're wearing. Say "NO" over and over, varying the sound and pitch, even as they are talking. Let them go through their routine and when they're done, ask them to marry you. Ask them to repeat what they said, you weren't paying attention or tell them you're hard of hearing. Ask them to hold and put the receiver down. Eventually they'll hang up. Answer the phone and when you realize it's a telemarketer, hold the phone up to the TV. If they clean rugs, ask "Can you get blood out?" If they say yes, "How about goat blood or human blood?" Still yes - "Well, there's A LOT of it - what about off the walls?" Still yes - "Well, you'll have to work around the dead bodies." Tell them you're busy and if they leave their phone number you'll call them back. If they say they aren't allowed, ask for their home phone number and that you'll call them at home. Things to do on a driving test When the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. Beep your horn at everything. When you come to a complete stop - play 'jingle bells' with your horn. Swear at everybody on the road. Ask where they got their license from. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off, slap his/her hand. Rev the car, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!" When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake. Fill your car with empty beer bottles. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light. Half way through the test, pull over to a gas station and put a stocking over your head. Ask the examiner, to reach into the glove box and hand you the gun. Things not to say during sex Do you accept Visa? Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? Did I tell you my Aunt Edna died in this bed? And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend. Haven't you ever done this before or are you trying to be funny? On second thought, let's turn off the lights. You're almost as good as my ex. This would be more fun with a few more people. I want a baby! (or Did I remember to take my pill?) I have a confession... Bad romance novel similes His body was hard, not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee. Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore. He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried. Her embrace made his manhood swell like week old road-kill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun. ...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn. With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign -- yet she could NOT! He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize. Like the wind, she ran, her breasts lurching like a motor boat over a wake, and then, as fluid as a fine imported transmission, she whipped out her man-organ and pissed away his dreams. Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal. With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner. Excuses offered to why you found a condom in your MacDonald's bag 10. We were test marketing the new "McTrojan" 9. Condom, Condiment - what's the damn difference 8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe 7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake 6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true 5. We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal 4. So what - a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway 3. Employees too embarrassed to say "Would you like condoms with that" 2. Drive-thru speaker broken- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "Prophylactic device" 1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful. Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
selbbub78 0 #2 January 7, 2004 quite amusing, good for a wednesday morning..."Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone "The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote) "The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
