Helpful Parking Rules:

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Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the
middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally
to prevent others from passing.

Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots
as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.

Rule No. 3: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space
ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to
take it, pull though and take it from him.

Rule No. 4: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so
that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze
into his or her car.

Rule No. 5: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent
vehicle with your door really hard.

Rule No. 6: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the
painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a
high rate of speed.

Rule No. 7: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for
a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are
stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to
picking up and discharging passengers.

Rule No. 8: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is
signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car
so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.

Rule No. 9: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a ped-
estrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of
opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 10: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road,
exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose
of the car into traffic, and wait.

Rule No. 11: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly
between parked vehicles.

Rule No. 12: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping
center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the
garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting
in the back seat from breakfast.

Rule No. 13: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull
out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust
the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window,
light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through
your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.

Rule No. 14: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a
shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and
send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if
the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle
and let it go.

Rule No. 15: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping
center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make
them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then
walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.

Rule No. 16: When walking back to your car, if you notice other
shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the
buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes
a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.

Rule No. 17: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the
mall's parking lot, there isn't any!

Rule No. 18: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't
with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is
especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of
paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They
think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?