Bar Mitzvah Questions

[skymama 37]

My son got invited to his first Bar Mitzvah morning service and evening party. Since we're not Jewish, I'm at a little bit of a loss as to the proper protocol. I believe it's going to be a pretty fancy affair, the invitation is nicer than any wedding invitation I've ever gotten and the father is a heart surgeon.

Background...the child is someone on my son's soccer team, and not really someone he hangs out with. I'm sure the whole team got invited. There is also a local tournament scheduled for that weekend and most likely during the service. My questions:

Is it acceptable to only go to the party, and not the service? He got separate RSVP's for both occasions.

What is the appropriate gift if it is not someone in your family or a close friend? Someone told me the number 18 is significant in the religion and a guide for gift giving.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Unstable 9]

I dated a Jewish Girl for a number of years and I had to learn (ofther the REALLY hard way) some of this stuff.

Bar or Bat Mitzvah's are tricky things. Depending on the area you are in and the family, it could be anywhere from a black tie event to a polo shirt & Khakie kind of thing. I wish I could help you more with this, but This is going to be a kind of thing You'll have to feel out on your own. I would personally just make an appearance to the party afterwards. At least in my experience, the ceremony itself is a very personal family event, and if you are not fluent in old Hebrew, this is going to be a very confusing (**AHEM** BORING) thing. The congregation will have reading where everbody will stand up and read selected scriptures. Even with the Hebrew Phoenictically (spelling?) spelled out, I still made a jerk of myself. Oh yeah, and it's long....

about gifts... Here is my humble opinion for this thing. It is a celebration of growing from a boy to a man. Maybe something very mature (Nice Pen Set) or something..

I hope this helped, feel free to PM me if I can do anything else for you...

Blue skies,

=========Shaun ==========

[Nightingale 0]

If he can go to the service, he should try to go. Its a very interesting experience.

When I went to friends bat mitzvah's, there were, however, many people who attended the party but not the synagogue.

Most of the gifts my friends received were things such as savings bonds.


from about.com:

The Invitation?!
Many people feel confused when invited to a bar mitzvah. They ask what present to buy, when to give the present, how to dress... It helps to think of the bar mitzvah as a special birthday - special in that it has religious significance. Any present that is appropriate for a 13 year old boy will also work for a bar mitzvah present (gift certificates, books, music, software, tool box, electronics, room decorations, ....) Dress for the religious service like you are going to a religious service (modest, formal attire), and dress for the party according to whatever party is being held. It is best to bring the present to the party (rather than the religious ceremony). Mazel Tov or congratulations are appropriate greetings. You have been invited because the bar mitzvah boy wants you to join him in celebrating his "coming of age" - so enjoy the celebration!

[wmw999 2,593]

Well, I'm no authority, but there aren't any answers yet, and I've been to some...

He can go to the party and not the service. On the other hand, the service is meaningful, and they generally try to keep it short so that all the guests don't get too antsy.

Becoming bar mitzvah means that the young man is responsible for his own good actions now, and can participate fully in his religious life. So any of the traditional "now I'm a man" gifts are OK, like a book. But money is always in good taste for young teens. Always. And very easy.

It's a party, and there is likely to be a huge amount of food, some games (appropriate to teens), and some music and dancing. Unless, maybe, if the child is extremely orthodox, but if that were the case, he probably wouldn't be playing soccer...

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Unstable 9]

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He can go to the party and not the service. On the other hand, the service is meaningful, and they generally try to keep it short so that all the guests don't get too antsy

Now that I think about it, I've only been to Orthodox Bar & Bat Mitzvah's. I think you might have a completly different experience if you are going to one from a Reformed/ more liberal Jewish family.

=========Shaun ==========

[skymama 37]

They're a pretty laid-back family, so they might be rather liberal. Since they are on the team also, I hope they'll understand if the team decides to compete and not go to the service. It's not just a game they have scheduled, it's a 3 day tournament.

As far as the dress goes, they did send along a sheet saying it's more formal for the service and party attire for the evening. I was more concerned about the appropriate gift. I may just go with money or a gift certificate. That's all my own kids ever want anyway and we don't know him well enough to know his tastes.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[Unstable 9]

Sounds like you're a woman with a plan....

=========Shaun ==========

[FallinWoman 1]

I worked at a Jewish middle school for two years, so I got invited to several bar/bat mitzvahs. I enjoyed the ceremony because it showed me a side of the child that I didn't get to see in a math or science class.

IIRC, the words for eighteen and life are the same in hebrew, so a gift of $18 is what I usually gave. However, any gift that your son would enjoy would be ok to give...this is a birthday party of sorts, after all.

If you or your son have committments during the service, attending the party is fine. This is why two separate RSVP cards were enclosed!!!

Above all, have fun and learn.

~Anne

I'm a Doll!!!!

[pilotdave 0]

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IIRC, the words for eighteen and life are the same in hebrew

Close... If you assign a value to each letter, ie A=1, B=2, C=3, etc, with the hebrew alphabet, the word for life has a sum of 18.

It's very common for cash gifts to be $18 or multiples of $18, depending on how much you want to give.

Otherwise, teens like video games and stuff.
Dave

[Deuce 1]

I'm thinking a smoked ham would be bad.

It's a coming of age thing, so a cool man-type present would be good. Depending on what you want to spend, a nice pocket knife engraved with his name and his Bar Mitzvah date would be super-cool.

[Nightingale 0]

Please talk to the parents before giving a child a weapon to get their okay and make sure the child is properly educated on safe use.

After that, I think its a great idea!

[Muenkel 0]

Andrea,

Since you already know the answer to what attire should be worn, I'll try to answer your other two questions.

First: No obligation to attend the ceremony, especially since it is just an acquaintance. Hence the reason for the two RSVP's.

Second: The gift. Once again he is just an acquaintance. Trust me he will get mucho bucks from his relatives. The idea of a gift certificate is a great one and you can make it in a multiple of 18. Considering his age, perhaps Circuit City or other store that sells video games/cd's etc.

Have fun,
Chris

_________________________________________
Chris

[Michele 1]

This is a very funny thread...

My father, shy and small, managed to first vomit and then pass out at his Bar Mitzvah. Thumpbang, and everything he hit on his way down collapsed, including the Rabbi. He didn't go into Synagogue for about 20 years after that.

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Maybe something very mature (Nice Pen Set) or something..

This had me laughing out loud. My father did a well received and special short film called "Today You Are A Fountain Pen", about a boy and his bar mitzvah preparations and service. The premise - because it's a common gift - is the young boy didn't want a pen set, he wanted a bike...and his Grandpa (my father) gave him a violin instead of either pen set or bike.

Perhaps something other than a pen set would be good....

And yes, as Pilot Dave said, the sum of life = 18. A gift certificate is a wonderful idea, but to a place like Circuit City, or one of the popular stores for electronics would be fine.

And yes, going to just the party is all right, although it can be very special to watch a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, unless they get sick and pass out.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[skymama 37]

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My father did a well received and special short film called "Today You Are A Fountain Pen", about a boy and his bar mitzvah preparations and service.

LMAO...well, that settles that then. I'm going with the money!

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[pilotdave 0]

Your dad doesn't like performing in front of large audiences, huh?

Dave

[Michele 1]

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Your dad doesn't like performing in front of large audiences, huh?

Well, he did eventually get over it. Although he still gets horrid stage fright, and if it's a live performance, he doesn't want to know if anyone he knows is in the audience.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~