The Chili Contest

[bshl 0]

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Doc, who was visiting Texas:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cookoff, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

DOC: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

DOC: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

DOC: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

DOC: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

DOC: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

DOC: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally the barmaid.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

DOC: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

DOC: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Blue skies and happy landings!

[akarunway 1]

Where's Ivan when you need him?

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[airtwardo 7]

DIARY OF A YANKEE IN TEXAS

April 30th:

Texas is fantastic! Just got here and love

it already. Now this is a state that knows how

to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy

evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset

from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.

I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a

problem, live in an air-conditioned home,

drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning

into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th:

Had the backyard landscaped today. Lots

of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain.

No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING

SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but

I love it here.

July 1st:

The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week,

not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes

we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used

to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though.

I'll have to remember not to leave anything made

out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers,

Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what

burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)

Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing

to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect

the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car

when I left this morning. By the time I got out

to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the

size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the

door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of

leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.

The car now smells like Kibbles and poop.

No more pets in this heat!

July 25th:

Ocean breezes, my rear. Hot is hot!! The home

air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive

by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break

in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three

nights now. Swatting the mosquitoes that are

as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments

and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:

100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and

gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as

much as the house payment. And two redneck

drivers almost ran me off the road.

I hate this state.

Aug 8th:

If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear

his head off. Darn heat!

By the time I get to work the radiator is

boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and

I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a darn

recording: Hot and sunny.

It's been too hot two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might really

warm up next week. And who came up with the

statement "it may be hot, but at least you

don't have to shovel it" should die from heat

exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this God forsaken place??

Aug 13th:

Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102

today. Forgot to crack the window and blew

the windshield out of the Cadillac. The installer

came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1,500 house

payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 14th:

Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the

house. The rains finally came and all they did

is to make it muggier than Hades and drove the darned roaches out of the

ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The Cadillac is now floating some-

where in the Gulf with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we're moving back to New York

where all you have to worry about is getting mugged.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~