miked10270 0 #1 June 17, 2004 Enjoy: Thought you parents and grandparents would appreciate the humor in this..... This comes from an elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ * In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. * Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. * Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. * The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. * Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. * Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. * The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments. * The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. * Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol. * The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. * David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. * Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. * When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. * When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. * Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. * Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." * It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. * The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. * One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. * St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. * Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the bad apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're wonderful. They just have to wait for the right man to come along -- the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples - even those who have already been picked! And remember . Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. +++++++++++++++++++++ http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/britneys_breasts.asp +++++++++++++++++++++++ A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy ask"How will I recognize Him?" Thats easy,He's a midget with a speech impediment" So,the midget shows up,and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. Nith lookin horth.Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. Nith eyeth,can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again and shows him the ears. Nith earzth,can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin pretty ticked off be this point,but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. Nith mouf,can I see her twat"? Totally mad as fire at this point,the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far up as he can up the horse's twat'pulls him out and slams him on the ground.The midget gets up,sputtering and coughing. Perhapth I should rephase that;Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?? ++++++++++++++++++++ A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks: "Is it still requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father,is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi! then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" +++++++++++++++++ A middle aged women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says "Okay, how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "Of course.", she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." ++++++++++++++++++++ Scrabble: DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS +++++++++++++++++++ Men are like ........Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like ........ Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough. Men are like ........ Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like ........ Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like ........ Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are like ........ Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. ++++++++++++++++++++++ There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's office receptionist who insists you describe what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter. ++++++++++++++++++++ A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils. The whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walks away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!" ++++++++++++++++++++ A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill. Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. Butterflies taste with their feet. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself. Now you know everything! {Or at least "almost" everything!} ++++++++++++++++++++++++ Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who loaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs,and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time: "I HAVEN'T MADE THE #@%#X @ PORRIDGE YET !!! ++++++++++++++++++++++++ A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream. The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room. After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door. "Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?" "Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?" "OK," says the mother. "How do we play?" "You go upstairs and lay down on your bed." The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs. Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throughout the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt. After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs. There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your ass out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!" ++++++++++++++++++++ (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' ++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures." 2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns." 3. Maxine on "Housework" - "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible." 4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." 5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head." 6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." 7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." 8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice." 9. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita +++++++++++++++++++++ Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks,"What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." ++++++++++++++++++++++ God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache" +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Are Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen 18 yet? http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/outkast_olsentwins.asp +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it." -- "The difference between erotica and pornography is simple. Erotica is what I like; pornography is what you like, you pervert". Mike (& Iona for the last one). Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable. Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dougiefresh 0 #2 June 17, 2004 Quotethou shalt not admit adultery Now THAT'S a religion! Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
