AggieDave 6 #1 June 18, 2004 Yes boys and girls, children of all ages, its that time again! Know what time it is? "Its lame joke time!" Yup, time for some lame jokes. Share and share alike, just remember to keep them within the rules to keep this thread fun, relatively clean and not locked/deleted. Joke #1 Do you know why Snoop Dogg carries an umbrella? Fo Dizzle Joke #2 Do you know why Hellen Keller was a bad drive? She was a women! --"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #2 June 18, 2004 What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixieskydiver 0 #3 June 18, 2004 What does Snoop Dogg clean his clothes with? Ble-atch! Dixie HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez "Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 226 #4 June 18, 2004 When Hellen Keller fell in the well - and was yelling for help how come noone heard her? She had mittens on.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
seekfun 0 #5 June 18, 2004 Did you hear about the nurse that drowned???? They found her under the doc... , topher"...there is a there out there..." - Tom Robbins Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ChrisL 2 #6 June 18, 2004 Quote "Its lame joke time!" Jesus! Man you werent kidding were you?__ My mighty steed Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kellysalt77 0 #7 June 18, 2004 how can you tell if a guy is well hung? when there's no way to get your finger between the noose and his neck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #8 June 18, 2004 How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road! How do you Punish Hellen Keller? 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork. Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture! What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet. How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through! If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound? Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! no seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead! Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she! how did helen keller burn the side of her face? she answered the iron. how did she burn the other side? they called back. "how did helen keller hear the iron ring? SHE DIDN'T!!! cause shes DEAF!!!!!!!!!!" this joke may have been fabricated, we are currently researching the authenticity of this event.) what did hellen keller's room look like? she didn't know either what do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? endless love why does helen keller wear tight pants? so you can read her lips!! What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days. If helen keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense? What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking! whats the name of helen kellers new movie? silent scream. how did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries. How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls. Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine. Why did helen keller go crazy? she was trying to read a stucko wall. what did hellen keller get for christmas? polio! she had everything else. Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers why did helen kellers dog commit suicide? you would to if your name was mmmmmmmmmnnnnnn Why doesnt Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the shit out of her dog. Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going? What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off. How did Helen Keller breake her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph. Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team? Because she's a girl Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog was blind too. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap. how did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron what does Helen Keller call the closet? Disneyworld Where do Helen Keller's parents have her go when there's company over? Disneyworld Why was Helen Keller late for school? DUI ---------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #9 June 18, 2004 Why do elephants have 4 feet? Because 6" isn't enough. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mardigrasbob 0 #10 June 18, 2004 Q: Why was Helen Kellers belly button black and blue? A: Hey boyfriend was blind too What did Helen Keller say when someone handed her a cheesegrater? "That's the most violent story I've ever read!" Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper? So she could always find him. What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK"is that it?)? Helen Keller working the rubix cube. What was Helen Keller's speech impediment? Calluses. How did Helen Keller meet her husband? On a blind date! Helen Keller Web sitelookreachpull.com/hkp.html Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #11 June 18, 2004 QuoteWhy do elephants have 4 feet? Because 6" isn't enough. Happy, you're starting to worry me with your elephant-genital fetish...~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
happythoughts 0 #12 June 18, 2004 QuoteHappy, you're starting to worry me with your elephant-genital fetish... It's either this or blonde jokes. Besides, I think this is just part of the educational process. Most of us don't have elephants in our daily lives. How are people supposed to find out these things without my help? What did the elephant say to the naked man? "That's cute, but can you eat peanuts with it?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #13 June 18, 2004 You kill me. Geez, I didn't know so many 'adult' elephant jokes existed. ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #14 June 18, 2004 My all-time favorite: BON APPETITE!!!!!!!! TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you. NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes, are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: ============================================ "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili > > >Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. > > >Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild. > > >Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could > > >remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames > > >out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili > > >Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. > > >Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. > > >Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm > > >supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to > > >give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili > > >Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. > > >Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. > > >Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like > > >I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more > > >beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in > > >the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic > > >Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. > > >Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or > > >other mild foods, not much of a chili. > > >Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to > > >taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was > > >standing behind me with fresh refills That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look > > >HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover > > >Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly round, adding > > >considerable kick. Very impressive. > > >Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit > > >the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. > > >Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can > > >no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed > > >paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili > > >had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring > > >beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. > > >It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. > > >Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety > > >Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. > > >Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. > > >Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, > > >sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat > > >through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut > > >Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili > > >Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. > > >Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili > > >peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about > > >Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. > > >Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I > > >wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like > > >it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slides > > >unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my > > >shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've > > >decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any > > >oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili > > >Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold > > >but spicy enough to declare its existence. > > >Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor > > >hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell > > >over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's > > >going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili. Yeah it's long; bite me. ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
